How do I deal with widower's adult children?
261 answers - active on Feb 18th 2022
Anyone have any advice for me on how to deal with my husbands adult children after the death of their mother?
Their mother dropped over dead, unexpectantly, in her early 50's.
I've tried to be supportive to them, respecting their loss, knowing that I will never take the place of their mother (nor would I want to) but I would like to be able to get to know them better and be their friend. Is this just impossible?
They are not mean to me in any way. I just feel like an outsider that will never be let in. After 3 yrs of being with their father I feel like a relationship with his kids is like beating my head against the wall!
The daughter, age 32, is always calling her father on his cell phone putting a guilt trip of some sort on him.
Every time I try to plan a "holiday" so that my husband can share it with his family it never works. I tried this last Christmas, worked for days in the kitchen, only for my husband to get a phone call one hour prior to dinner that his daughter was sick and couldn't make it...but her family was going to come.
We have tried to plan camping outings, some succesfull, but if I try to cook something to help out it is never eaten. The daughter has to cook. She has to be in control.
When the outings aren't sucessfull, meaning not everyone shows up or if we don't see them for awhile then she lays on a guilt trip to her father..stating we just don't get to see one another. We live only 1/2 hr away from the daughter, have always encouraged them to come our house. They have been here 2 times in over 3 yrs.
On our second wedding anniversary his son called (I'm sure he didn't realize it was our anniversary) and asked him to come over because my husband had been wanting him to do some maintance on his truck. They also invited us to go boating along with his daughter. Unfortunately I cannot boat anymore due to my injury. I told my husband to go ahead and go. He enjoys the boat. Well my husband went to his sons but felt he was letting me down so decided not to go boating. His daughter called the next day, whining to him, that he never spent any time with them anymore. (did I mention he works full time too?) But yet they don't darken our door.
Several times over these years I've experienced devastating things in my life with loved ones passing and with my health. Not once did they show up at the funeral home or share their condolences. Never do they ask how I am. It's like I just do not exist in their world! It's very hurtful to me.
Just to give some background....I told my husband when we married that we would have to live in my house (I already had it paid for) that I couldn't live in his house that he shared with his wife. When he moved out I was the one that suggested he take both of his adult children to his house (no one else aloowed! not even me) and they go through and decide who wants what. I never said I wanted anything out of that house. So it's not like I tried to take any of their mother's things away from them.
My husband did bring a piano (nobody wanted), a dresser, and a grandfather clock that his wife bought for him on their 25th wedding anniversary (because he wanted it) and an older TV. I've never treated these kids with malice or been unfair to them in any way...the only thing I did was marry their father after their mother's sudden death.
My husband son is quite different...he treats me much better we just live an hour away from them.
I've tried everything I know to get along...finally I've given up. This makes me feel really bad for my husband.
Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Or should I just continue to give up?
He is too controlled by those girls. My BF is a widower of 3 years and his 3 adult daughters count on him a lot to babysit their kids, come over to hang pictures, etc. They never invite me. I think the girls are testing me. I'm not playing into it. I continue to have my fun, free life with girlfriends and my own kids and grandkids. My BF and I have a blast together too. As for the adult kids, it's drama they are looking for. They are not going to get any of it from me. They ignore me, so be it. I just won't go to any gatherings anymore (they never invite me but my BF asks me to come along). He and his girls also do a lot to memoralize the deceased wife/mom too. Masses at church, parties to celebrate her memory. Certain older family members cannot stand to see me with him because it is a reminder that he is moving on, as if that is a bad thing. Oh, it's hard. I adore my BF. I'll hang in there. But I will never marry him (he says he will never remarry anyway). My suggestion is to never marry a widower until you know everyone is happy about it. If not, no deal. Keep your cute little place and go home and be glad you are still free. Anyone dating a widower, make sure you keep your girlfriends, your fun places you like to go to, your travels. I am as happy as I am allowed to be when it comes to my BF and his girls. But the secret is: I'm happier than any of his family knows because I love myself and my single life too. And that is who I really am!!!!
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I agree with you 100%. I try to always remind myself that I am the adult. Even though my BF's girls are in their 30's with busy lives of their own, they still TRY to make me feel like the outsider. Well, I'm not. But I don't play games. I'm nice, polite, complimentary and that's it. I distance myself if they come around or don't stay at the house too long. I still love my own little place and my friends and my own kids and grandkids. I refuse to play into anyone else's drama. I will never marry my BF, as much as I love him, I know that in time this family unit would become a real problem. I am happy being single and I think he knows he cannot remarry and keep peace and harmony with those girls.
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I would not marry this man, at least not yet. This will only get worse. How old is the daughter? Old enough to live on her own, and financially able? If so, she should. If not, then she still needs to stay put. How long have you dated? I would say that at this point, it is not about the daughter getting her way, but more about preserving your sanity. I hope you two are not living together. I would back way off, spend more time apart and let him deal with the daughter. Too much drama will eat you alive. This may not work out. I'm just saying, it sounds like a real mess.
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What if the girlfriend of the widower is nice, sincere, careful not to tread where not wanted, etc. That is me. My BF is an amazing guy, his 3 married daughters are lukewarm at best. I keep my distance, never do anything to hurt anyone, try to be a nice friend to them. I get the cold shoulder. His grandkids adore me. Whatever. I still have my own place and am happy there. I adore my BF and we have a lot of fun. He looks and feels great. He and his wife had an amazing marriage and he says that is why he wants to be with me, because I am amazing too. He says he feels so lucky to have found me. Why the girls cannot be happy for their dad is beyond me. I think they are jealous that their dad found someone who is a blast to be with. He and I do things he and his wife never did; golf, swim, play in the snow, garden together. It's the best relationship I have ever been in, but when the girls are around I back WAY OFF. Not going there. Not allowing myself to be scrutinized. I am who I am and they apparently are having a hard time because they cannot find fault with me. So they just ignore me. Guess who is having the last laugh? ME.
There have been many studies done on this topic. You are partly right regarding the new spouse needing to be very patient and understanding and put themselves in the step-children's shoes to try to understand what it means to have the original family gone. according to these studies, it does seems to t take time to adjust to the "new" family for both step parents and step children. You had mentioned children whose mom died being described as degenerates compared to children coming from a situation where the father died; well it appears that children of all ages have a more difficult time accepting the new partner of their father than their mother. They attribute this to the fact that mom's are the primary care giver and they spend more time with their mother's partner. On the same line of thinking, there is usually limited time spent with their father and when new spouse come in the picture, there is even less time and the children resent that and grieve the loss of their family even more.
It is really a difficult situation all around and if possible, both the step children and the step parent need a little patience and understanding and above all respect with each other. And Stepmom's hang in there and communicate with your spouses openly and often. Try to remember that the children (even adult children) didn't ask for this and be as understanding as you can about it.
I've been dating a man who lost his wife 2 years ago to Ovarian Cancer. He has 3 young adult children. I lost my 25 year old daughter to breast cancer 3 years ago. The two of us witnessed the suffering and passing of two very special woman. The two of also realize that life is too short to waste it on worrying about money, selfish adult children, etc. We realize that nothing in our lives compare to CANCER.....so until either of us have CANCER ...or a life threatening illness .....nothing is all that bad. We have to live our lives not our children. Jay is 55 and I am 49, what were we suppose to be alone because our kids, family members want to make there loved ones passing about THEM? The two of us want to love and be loved, we still want to make love, hold hands, watch funny move and laugh out loud together.......what we don't deserve this because somone we loved died. My daughter made me promise that I'd celebrate her 25 years life and Jay's wife made him promise he find someone, she did not want him to be alone. The two of them were brave, courageous, self-less women who we talk about with ease. My daughter was my heart, and Jay's wife his lover and the mother of his children for 28 years. I love his wife and I never met her but you better believe my daughter and she have met and they brought the two us together. Yes, they did. Ironically I examine tissue/DNA and something told me that something might be wrong with Jay and or one of his kids and guess what, all of them had Cadmium and lead toxity, it came from the water/pipes in the house they all loved in for 15 years. Yes, Cadmium can cause reproductive cancer in a women who enter menopause. It can also stop your heart suddenly and/or cause kidney failure. You see we faced our losses, fears, and we talked about how we felt. We cried together over our losses. Everyone has the right to move forward, to love and be loved. Those of you who think your family member should curl up into a ball or give you his/her assesst are self-centered and self-fish and I'd never deal with any of you and if my significant other want to put up with that nonsense he would be dealing with it ALL ALONE.
Only those that go through can understand, no one is going to waste serious time looking this stuff up unless they are hurting.I have a family that thinks they no best but they have no idea how bad it can be if the previous children lie and manipulate their father. The counsillor I saw said its ussualy adult daughters who cause the most trouble.
I am in the exact same situation as you are. My widower and I are together almost 3 years (not living together), and have a wonderful relationship. Our family and friends have all accepted us and are very happy for us - everyone except my widower's adult married son who has a family of his own and does not live nearby. My boyfriend is a widower over 3 years now, and he has even received the blessing from his late wife and her immediate family for him to move forward with a relationship and be happy again. I am a widow as well, and I understand the necessary steps that are involved with grief. I want to remarry and he knows this, and I love this man very much, however he is hesitant with taking our relationship further until his son accepts me and us as a couple. This may never happen, and I have shared this with him, yet I don't know what to do. He is a kind man who does not want to upset his son. I am at a loss here, and I don't know how to even continue bringing up this topic without it causing any arguments. Does anyone have any suggestions or advice for me? Thank you
This is rather self righteous!
I have been divorced for over 25 years, remarried for 10 of that to a divorced man with two children who made my life --and his miserable! He passed away five years ago and there was a brief respite in the hatred for me as I was his primary caregiver. But after the funeral, it the hatred resumed. He was a financial disaster and I was the stable one. I bailed him out of huge tax problems all the while helping pay for his young son to attend a private college while my kids went to public colleges on scholarships. I gave his adult children everything of his, to include the life insurance, when he passed as I didn't want to live up to their negative expectations of me--in retrospect, I did allowed myself to be manipulated. I can blame no one but myself and my poor boundaries. The problems with him and children existed long before me. I feel bad that I put so much time and effort into the relationship and his children. They have made no effort to maintain a relationship with me unless they think there is something I might have that they might want.
Two years ago I started dating a lovely widower. His two adult children are sweet and so happy their father is happy. The children's mother wasn't gone but six months when we started seeing each other. I made it clear from the beginning that I would walk away, if there was any negative push back from his kids...and I meant it. The situation with my late husband's children was heartbreaking--for all of us. We plan to marry this summer and my three kids and his are both happy their parents are happy. There have been concerns, but we have all talked and worked together. We also both have assets we want to pass along to our children and have a pre nup, which we have shared with all five children.
Daughters do seem to have a greater issue with Dad remarrying than sons do. Mother's children typically are happy mom is being "taken care of". I suggest reading Stepwars, lots of insight into the challenges of blending a family after loss.
My guy talks to his daughter every day...They are wonderful friends, but he also is clearly her father, and they have excellent boundaries. He talks to his son, who lives an hour away, once or twice a month. I still talk to my daughters every day as well...but in typical son fashion, I only get to talk to him once or twice a month as he lives overseas, but he is coming home this summer to walk his very happy mother down the aisle in a ceremony that will bring our families together. When I check in with his sweet daughter to make sure she isn't getting overwhelmed with her ongoing grief over her mother and her father's new found relationship, she replies..."So far, so good...I'm glad Dad has you, he loved my mom so much, he needed you to love so he could go on..." What a sweet compliment to her parents!
This man will not even talk on the phone when his daughter is around. I feel like he is hiding me from her and her mom's family. He will take me around his friends and his family . Th eson is cool. The daughter is a hard pill to swallow.
My 18-year old step son was all in favor of our marriage for 6 months. He then screamed at me that I was a stupid ignorant bitch. I literally did nothing but clog the vacuum cleaner, and it was like he snapped. Every day it was insult after insult after his Dad left for work and before I left for work. I said nothing to his Dad, I said nothing to my stepson. I tried my best to just ignore it. Finally, his Dad heard it one morning and stepped in. It was all about the money. I was spending his moms and his money. Despite assurances that I wasn't, that that money was separate and in his name, my step son, is a hater. It has caused horrific tension in our home because he lives in it. Not for long though, he's been told, not by me, he has until the end of the summer to shape up or ship out. I've lived with it for two years. My daughter has lived with it for two years. She gets along great with my husband. She can go with the flow. We've suggested family counseling to him because I think the issue is not dealing with his Mom's death at such a young age (8), some anger issues, and obsessive compulsive behaviors, but here fuses to go with us. 3 of us are trying to make the 4 of us a family, that's impossible
wow. this is so iignorant. How can you say sign prenup, it shows your worried about money.. Life is not just about you. Every person in this world is important. CROCK POT your kidding... You never ever have a right to be rude to people.That is a reflection on you. You must get help for you low self esteem. Show respect for yourself. Go in love not hate. Please for your sake please get help about a parent passing.. Please.
I absolutely agree.
Great advice. Newly married to a widower two grown daughters 35 and 40 neither been married and younger puts the guilt. At first I was a secure, but now as you stated this is my marriage and the more happy I make him the less he seems to want to hang with them. I have displayed their pictures and one of them with their mom blended with my children. My daughters 31 and 35 have been exceedingly gracious and mature. His younger sends invites to him without me all the time including his own birthday. If either one of my daughters did that (which I know they wouldn't) I would tell them its unacceptable and would decline the invite unless he could come as well. Now, I am taking the stand I am in their lives for a long time and they can continue their click of the three of them...for now...in time I will say something, but for now only married three months. I have redecorated and we are remodelinig which they make no attempt to come by...they both have very large trust funds...it's all about money. I believe God will make all this work out in time. Love your spouse and stay confident and strong.
Everything you are saying is right on, I feel my Adult stepdaughter "could use some serious councelling. She just likes to create mountains over mole hills and likes to make her life a big drama.Its all money and jelousey driven as she expected her father to favour her always and pay all her bills etc then manipulates him to feel guilt. They are also masters at making them self look like the victim to the rest of the family. If it was always us step mothers why are the other two adult children and my own adult son perfectly fine and do not cause a fuss .