How do I deal with widower's adult children?
261 answers - active on Feb 18th 2022
Anyone have any advice for me on how to deal with my husbands adult children after the death of their mother?
Their mother dropped over dead, unexpectantly, in her early 50's.
I've tried to be supportive to them, respecting their loss, knowing that I will never take the place of their mother (nor would I want to) but I would like to be able to get to know them better and be their friend. Is this just impossible?
They are not mean to me in any way. I just feel like an outsider that will never be let in. After 3 yrs of being with their father I feel like a relationship with his kids is like beating my head against the wall!
The daughter, age 32, is always calling her father on his cell phone putting a guilt trip of some sort on him.
Every time I try to plan a "holiday" so that my husband can share it with his family it never works. I tried this last Christmas, worked for days in the kitchen, only for my husband to get a phone call one hour prior to dinner that his daughter was sick and couldn't make it...but her family was going to come.
We have tried to plan camping outings, some succesfull, but if I try to cook something to help out it is never eaten. The daughter has to cook. She has to be in control.
When the outings aren't sucessfull, meaning not everyone shows up or if we don't see them for awhile then she lays on a guilt trip to her father..stating we just don't get to see one another. We live only 1/2 hr away from the daughter, have always encouraged them to come our house. They have been here 2 times in over 3 yrs.
On our second wedding anniversary his son called (I'm sure he didn't realize it was our anniversary) and asked him to come over because my husband had been wanting him to do some maintance on his truck. They also invited us to go boating along with his daughter. Unfortunately I cannot boat anymore due to my injury. I told my husband to go ahead and go. He enjoys the boat. Well my husband went to his sons but felt he was letting me down so decided not to go boating. His daughter called the next day, whining to him, that he never spent any time with them anymore. (did I mention he works full time too?) But yet they don't darken our door.
Several times over these years I've experienced devastating things in my life with loved ones passing and with my health. Not once did they show up at the funeral home or share their condolences. Never do they ask how I am. It's like I just do not exist in their world! It's very hurtful to me.
Just to give some background....I told my husband when we married that we would have to live in my house (I already had it paid for) that I couldn't live in his house that he shared with his wife. When he moved out I was the one that suggested he take both of his adult children to his house (no one else aloowed! not even me) and they go through and decide who wants what. I never said I wanted anything out of that house. So it's not like I tried to take any of their mother's things away from them.
My husband did bring a piano (nobody wanted), a dresser, and a grandfather clock that his wife bought for him on their 25th wedding anniversary (because he wanted it) and an older TV. I've never treated these kids with malice or been unfair to them in any way...the only thing I did was marry their father after their mother's sudden death.
My husband son is quite different...he treats me much better we just live an hour away from them.
I've tried everything I know to get along...finally I've given up. This makes me feel really bad for my husband.
Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Or should I just continue to give up?
After reading all the comments on this page I have come to realize I am not alone.
I was 40 years old,single when I met my husband who was a widower for 8 years
with two children aged 14 and 11. I have always referred to my husbands two kids
as my kids. Never would I ever say they are my step children.
I put my best foot forward and embraced my new life. My husband and I decided to have a child together
which has been a true blessing . Never could I imagine how two chidren could throw our lives upside down.
They love their little brother however treat me awful. My stepson and step daughter curse me in front of my
son and tell him how I am such a "B" .My son who is now 7 understands and this makes him very upset and
I will always remove him from the room his siblings are mouthing off or leave the house.
My husband and I get into huge arguments to the point that I would like to walk away from the marriage . We
have seeked couselling individually and together and it helps for a while til we get into the next crisis,
My husband is quite aware of his children's rudeness and how they treat me but always makes an excuse for them.
The two kids are now 22 and 19 and I pray each day that they will be launched and move out of the house however neither one can stand on their own two feet . I really do not know how much longer I can go on like this ......
I am miserable here in my home . I feel like an outsider and really hate coming home .
My only pleasure is being with my son and my husband .
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Dear All,
I have read many of the points raised and in some way relate well to them all. I married a widower 6 years ago and even though I love him very much there isn't a day that goes by that I don't end up in tears. He has a 30 year old married daughter who unfortunately through his complicit action has assumed the role of the long gone dead wife. When this girl married and moved to another state to live I assumed that this 'intimacy' between them both would cease. In actual fact it has got worse. My husband on a sub conscious level has not gotten over the death of his wife. His daughter is the image of her mother physically and has the same personaility. I feel like I am living with a husband who has a mistress. His daughter gave birth to a son 2 days ago and my husband is flying out to see her and the baby and I have been told that I will not be able to go with him. He constantly tells me that daughters are very special he does have two sons and neither of them are treated as this special. I have a family of great men with daughters, he has brothers with daughters, his son in law has a father with daughters and none of them treat their daughters the way he does. All these men have wifes and the daughters are treated well in a proper father daughter relationship.
Unfortunately some men lose a wife and cannot move on. I have studied psychology and I know what is happening here. He has never gotten over the death of his wife and on a sub consciouse level this daughter has moved into her place. His daugher delights being in this role as she percieves that within the family dynamics she has a lot of power and control. Her two younger brothers always concede to her and unfortuantely the younger sibling treats her as his de factor mother.
All in all it is very difficult marrying a widower, they basically come with too much baggage. In this second marriage he interestingly enough he chose to marry a woman who whilst having been married many years ago has no children, is financially independent of him. This is a man who when he married his of 30 year old wife back in the late 70"s had little to nothing whilst he had two homes, two cars, a boat and money in the bank. All of his assets were used to leverage throughout the marriage to build their wealth - and yes I did sign a pre nup agreement because I want to protect my wealth. When he married the second time around the wife had sound financial backing and still works!
All in all with the heart ache I have experienced - verbal abuse from adult children, constantly being excluded from events aka the birth of the grandchild - I am almost well and truely over it. I know from experience that it is the most difficult situation that you could ever marry into. My heart goes out to every step parent who has married a widow or a widower.
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this is amazing as i lost my husband 3 and 1/2 years ago and my 3 sons are really causing me problems. They will not allow me to see my grandchildren because they say i no longer make time for them since i started dating. they expect me to be at their call constantly and even though i have a full-time job and a large home and yard to tend to and care for. i was hoping to find out how to understand the thoughts they are having and why this is such an issue, as my time and their dad's time was not spent 100% with them- we still had a life and enjoyed things that seem to now be an issue. i dont know how to get them to understand that i am still here and yes i do want to be a part of their life and them to be a part of mine. BUT they are not the only thing in my life and there is room for more. this issue is to the point that my daughter-in-law is becoming more and more vocal and i feel that she is instigating and causing more and more problems. she says this has upset her that i am dating and never offer to watch the children as i did before. however, i did not work full time before and was home more with help from my husband with things but i no longer have as much free time. if someone else is having issues from their own adult children or has had and can help me figure out how to handle this i would be very grateful for some advice!!!!
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My father started dating very soon after he lost my mother, the woman he began dating was younger than me. they married less than a year after my mothers passing, she has a young adult child neither of them contribute to the household and do not have jobs. All of my mothers belongings remain in the house. It became a very serious issue when I asked to get my mothers items, so I just gave in. I understand why some children would want a prenump, this woman and her child have gone through all the life isurance as well as my fathers savings. She does not want my father to put the house in his will saying she knows his wishes and will abide by them. We can't even get our mothers trinkets do you really think she will do the right thing with the property? Sometimes it is important for a child to want to make sure their parent is not being taken advantage of in a time of crisis. It is not always a matter of money over their happiness but wanting to make sure they are secure and what they have worked all of their lives for isn't taken out from under them. Sometimes they don't even realize they are being taken advantage of.It is just a sad situation.
I am in the early stages of a relationship with a widower of whom I am growing quite fond. I am a financially independent divorcee with three grown children. He has a son, 23, and a daughter, 18. I'd be kidding myself if I didn't admit I sense something's not quite right... (probably what motivated me to seek out information on the internet).
I also must admit, after reading all the posts I can feel the fear escalating! I find this gentleman to be both intellectually and physically attractive, honest, authentic; a real dream (yes, I feel very fortunate, especially after having given 25+ years to a serial cheating spouse). But OMG, I HAD NO IDEA!!!! What on earth am I heading into?
I have been married to a widower for almost 8 years and it has been the worst experience of my life. When I met my husband his late wife of 23 years had passed 4 months before ( by the way he was already dating someone, but she was married so he broke it off for me). When I started dating and figured that this was a complicated situation he began convincing me to stay. He would say things like he was never happy with her, that he had finally found happiness with me.......blah,blah etc....He was the nicest and most amazing man with me that I had ever met. I felt that I was not going to feel second in his life......After the marriage things started changing, his kids ( 18 and 21 at the time) were horrible to me. I tried to be patient and tried to understand that they were hurting and put up with A LOT. My husband did not say anything to them because he said he felt bad for them. But not only the kids were rude and disrespectful towards me , also his brothers' wives and late wife's sisters. I guess my husband wanted to avoid confrontation and denied their rudeness. He would say that I needed to be patient with them and they would eventually accept me. Well that has never happened. Things got much, much worse. We were separated all of last year because according to him I had to learn to live with these horrible women . It is amazing to me how he has changed his opinion of the late wife. He used to say the nastiest things about her . I guess he did that so that I would not feel threatened. Now he has glorified her. He has never mentioned all the bad things he used to say again. I am amazed to see how he changed.
I am not even going to get into all the bad stories I have lived in this marriage. His family has made sure I understand she is and always be first. By now my husband has that attitude too. I need to get out of this marriage. I feel so sad. It has killed my self esteem. We went back together, after the one year separation, for money reasons. We both lost our jobs. I went back because I loved him and I wanted to give it one more try but it is useless. I have to get out before it kills me.
I have to say , I would never date a widower again. When all the initial sparks die down , reality sets in. That is that she will become a saint in his memory. Competing with a memory full of fantasies is just impossible. I will never have a chance here only maybe if I die too.
If the pre nup stated no freeloading lazy adult children then yes most of us would be happy. I gave up 2 homes, 2 vehicles a great job and most of my personal belongings to move 5 hours away to be treated like I am a servant in my new husbands home by his grown children because the wallet is closed now.
I have a boyfriend that I have been seing for years his wife past away 2 years but hes children 16 and 21 year old boys have this try over them - they get what ever they want- when they want. Its ok for dad to have a friend but she is not moving in... Dad will not let me move it because of this ... We had plan to do this after chirstmas but it is now over because Dad cant hurt his boys... Why cant this kids let dad be happy
hi
very interesting reading these post.. im 32 with 2 children aged 16 and 2, im selfemployed.. My friend passed from cancer after 5 years of being sick.. her husband (of 31 years) and i never spent time in each others company but a couple of weeks after she passed he text me to see i was ok! (he is 54)
We bumped into each other a couple of times and i felt this massive urge to just hold him, i felt this warm glow around him. After meeting for coffee we kissed and both of us got swept away in each other.. I never ever felt like this for anyone before and i just deeply love this beautiful genuine man i would never hurt him.
We have tried on a number of occations to end our relationship as his 5 adult children aged 20 to 31 dont like this at all... They have read his phone, e-mails ect. I bought my partner a watch for christmas and they went into his room and took it, they send me text calling me names like tramp, 2p prostituite, slut ect.. They have also raked up my past, some truth some gossip ect and i found myself having to go over all this with my partner. But almost 10 months on we have got over issues anf remain stronger than ever with eachother. His family though are giving him a hard time very much pulling his emotional strings, talking to family and friends and not showing him any love or support. He is very sorry like i am for the speed of us getting together, but he was loyal his whole life to his late wife and remains very loyal to his children too. He just wants happiness and loves life.. surely he entitled to live again?? would appreciate your comments..
I have read all the above post and feel a kindred spirit with many of you. I am in a very awful situation where my partner's adult children have broken us up. We met shortly after his wife died of cancer over three years ago. We had a wonderful relationship and the only drama in our relationship was from outside sources. He has two adult children, one married and one about to be married. A little over a year of living together, he asked me to marry him and I said yes. When we told his kids they congratulated us and then a few days later his son called all upset and said things like "you did not ask us for permission", you are going to sell the house and move to RI and take care of her parents" to name a few. He address each issue. At the time I also wanted to speak with them but he did not want me to. I felt we should of talked with them together and addressed any issue they had. I wrote a letter to them and left it up to him to forward it to his kids. He did not. now two years later, we are living apart. I thought his kids liked me, they would hug me when they came over and left. I helped host a graduation party for his soon to be daughter-in-law. Always mad special foods for his daughter because of a special diet she is on. I did not do any of this to win their approval but it was the right thing to do.
I was completely blindsided when all of this happened. My partner was very disappointed in his kids and tried to talk with them but they insisted he did not mourn enough and he should be alone and we should not be together. They made him fell so guilty for going on with his life that he agreed for us to part. I now live in an apartment by myself and we have not spoken in a few weeks. He told me he has only love two women in his life his wife and me. I never wanted to replace her and never forced myself on his kids. I even encouraged him to spend time with them, call them etc. I was not only blindsided by my partner giving into his kids but how they felt about me. They would kiss and hug me when they came over or when we saw them. I am hurt beyond words and do not know what is going to happen with us. The ball is in his court right now. I am not a mean person and very understanding. I know it is not easy loosing a parent and I do not expect his kids to love me just respect me that is all. I am tired of crying myself to sleep because it is so hard not seeing him or talking to him. He was a big part of my life for 3 years and now we seem worlds apart. He said this is the hardest thing he has had to do but he needs to sacrifice his happiness for his kids. I could really use some advice here.
I have been in a relationship with a widower of 54 for 4 1/2 years. It is 5 1/2 since his wife died after a lengthy and traumatic battle with cancer.Only its complicated still further as the relationship is long distance--across continents. We only see each other every 2-4 months for a month at a time or so. Although this is due to practical reasons--we both have fulfilling careers that in the current economic climate we are afraid to lose, I also sense that this arrangement works for my partner as it allows him to continue to compartmentalise his life. He goes back to his country and lives his original family life (Plan A). And then he comes to stay with me for romance and coupledom (Plan B).He lives in the house he and his late wife bought from her grandmother with his youngest daughter of 21. He fears he cannot move from the house, nor can he sell the house as it is an inheritance shared by the three of them and his two daughters do not want to sell their Mother's home. Although he complains about his daughters expecting him to "tend to a mausoleum" for the rest of his life, he does not have money to live elsewhere. I have not met either one of his daughters. The eldest 24 has after the first two years of resistance become most generous and mature has made kind and brave email overtures, but the youngest has taken things very badly with dramatic and violent emotional outbursts where she physically attacks her father and declares things like if she sees me she will kill me. She was so distraught when I was to have dinner with her sister last time I was visiting that we had to call it off. We were afraid she would harm herself. I sense that my partner is so happy to have things calm with his youngest when I am not around that he does not dare rock the boat and disturb the equilibrium. I'm 42 and I very much want to be starting a life and building a family. I have offered--in spite of economic and linguistic issues--to move countries to live with my partner in his country but he is reluctant. He says he fears I would feel frustrated and a fish out of water (which is possible). He is a freelancer and has managed to get a project in my part of the world but only one. It doesn't make much difference to the amount of time we spend together. My partner knows that I want a family. He has verbally agreed to the idea, but I know he is reluctant. And practically, when we are only together 4 months out of 12 there is not much of a chance of this when I am the age that I am. I find the years going and feeling more desperately lonely. I love my partner very much. We are very good for each other when we are together. But how long can I or should I wait for him to resolve things with his family? How many demands is it fair to put upon him? How long must I wait before I decide that I need to move on?
Just give up...I have had such similar things happen. I married a widower several years after his wife's death...felt unwelcome and downright ignored many many times. Bi polar son causes problems by lieing...doesn't contact his father, or when he does verbally abuses him...but when he wants money, he starts phoning again...always on the mobile of course...neither of them would want to talk to me. Bi polar son expects his father to be a good father to him, but he treats his own daughters very badly not supporting and not having them for visiting times.The last straw was when I was minding the step daughter's 3 children and she accused me of not looking after them properly, of course this was told to 'Daddy' on the mobile phone. I have now distanced myself, in my life I would have nothing to do with people like this...I do feel bad for my husband. One son is great he and his wife welcome me and include me in everything. From all the letters I have read since the final 'incident' I gather that you are better to have your own life and not accept any behaviour you wouldn't accept from your own children. The nasty incident happaned almost 12months ago, I look on it as 12 months taken from our happy lives...things are not the same, but we are both going to a Specialist Step Parenting Counsellor, not that I ever considered myself any sort of parent to them..we just want to get our relationship back on track. Look after yourself and forget about rude, spoiled, selfish brats who should be getting on with their own lives, not causing you problems and intruding on your time and relationship.
I am married to a widower for about 9 months. His wife died of asthma and he was left with two daughters, 22 and 16. Before we got married, I thought I can handle his children. They were not rude to me in anyway except the younger child makes me feel left alone. She hardly talks to me. The younger child lives with us but treats me as if I don't exist. She just talks to her dad when she needs something from me. I tried to understand her, i know that maybe she just doesn't need me. She always say to her dad it's ok he got married as long as he is happy, but doesn't expresses concern for me. I don't want to force her to like me, i know she makes me feel that i am not her mother, even though I really have no intentions to replace her mother. This situation makes our house so quiet and it makes me lonely. I share the same pain and hurt for the women who married a widower. Yes, we married a widower because truly he is a loving and great man. But the situation with the children is really a tough one. It's as if I am a bad person, i always get a cold response. There are times I'm so lonely, don't know what to think anymore that it affects my relationship with my husband. I know he loves me, and for sure he loves his children, it is fine with me, because that's how it should really be. Maybe, the key to a good relationship is respect, open mindedness and understanding for both parties. I know i can't force the child to like me, or even change her lifestyle 'coz i respect it. But there are really times, i ask when will my part of this man's life be mine, 'coz its as if i don't own a real marriage, as if there's always the shadow of the former marriage. To the women who dates a widower and contemplating on marrying, my advice is think about it for a million times. The love is there and it's great but the real day to day life is not a fairytale, there are times that you will lose yourself, you will lose your identity, the pain and hurt is greater than what you may have imagined. It's really gonna be a tough love. For us, who are already married to a widower, I think what we can do is to keep ourselves busy, do things we love and prepare for our future financially, 'coz there is always the question of properties by the children. For me personally, I'm trying to have a job 'coz i don't want to be accused of getting the wealth of their family, but sometimes I think it's unfair for me also, 'coz my husband is 13 years older than me, i'm thinking how will my life be, if (God forbid) I lost him, how is the future of our future children will be, when i think of these, i get tired and just say, i'll try to depend on my own, and no matter what God will provide for me and He will be fair.Goodluck to all of us, may we find happiness not only through marriage, but by loving ourselves and let go of what we cannot change.
I always told myself not to date a widower. LOL too late...I met someone that swept me off my feet with a push broom. However....yes..there usually is a however, his adult kids hated me! SHOCKED...I know. By the way he prolonged me meeting his kids until after I fell in love...SMART MAN! His son 18 at the time called me "The B***h" before even meeting me....that was officially my name for a long time. I just thought...oh he's just angry from his mother dying and will eventually get to know me. His daughter at the time 23 was a little more open to meeting me but things changed. I have tried and tried and tried....but I give up! I still want my husband because even though I was told for 17 years that I was not capable of having children...BAM...got pregnant...besides he is the love I have always looked for! I now have a beautiful little 19 month old daughter. I had many complications in my pregnancy and almost lost the baby many times...and went into full labor at 26 weeks....she was in NICU for a long time but is healthy and happy now! My step-son posted to facebook that I should have an abortion...the daughter yelled at her dad and told him he was stupid. It was not planned you know! Anyway...they have stolen from me...lied to me....left their children with me and not returned for days, they get evicted all the time and electric turned off. My husband is always bailing them out and leaving us having financial problems. I am becoming very resentful because he is enabling them to be losers and now I feel they take away from the baby. They dont treat their children well either and that really bothers me! They make my life miserable....but every night I lock myself away in the room with my baby and husband and all is well for those few evening hours. That's the way I survive it all! Things are slowly getting better....but it is slow. I pray for all of you on here because it is the hardest thing I have ever lived through. I still want to be a family...but now when they come over even if they dont do anything I get angry because I think they are trying to hurt us or take from us. That's what history with them has taught me anyway. The biggest problem is I was not a negative person before and now I am negative about everything. I just want to be normal...I want to enjoy my family...and include them if they would act right. My poor husband would be lonely and broke the rest of his life if it were up to them.
Daughters especially are good at dealing out the guilt trips towards thier fathers. Even if the marriage with the former wife was not loving, they form these false memories in their demented minds to keep the guilt going. They use this ploy in order to ask for money. This is due to them being married to lazy husbands in the first place. Your husband MUST have your back. Do not cater to them anymore. If you continue to feed it, it keeps coming back!