How do I deal with widower's adult children?
261 answers - active on Feb 18th 2022
Anyone have any advice for me on how to deal with my husbands adult children after the death of their mother?
Their mother dropped over dead, unexpectantly, in her early 50's.
I've tried to be supportive to them, respecting their loss, knowing that I will never take the place of their mother (nor would I want to) but I would like to be able to get to know them better and be their friend. Is this just impossible?
They are not mean to me in any way. I just feel like an outsider that will never be let in. After 3 yrs of being with their father I feel like a relationship with his kids is like beating my head against the wall!
The daughter, age 32, is always calling her father on his cell phone putting a guilt trip of some sort on him.
Every time I try to plan a "holiday" so that my husband can share it with his family it never works. I tried this last Christmas, worked for days in the kitchen, only for my husband to get a phone call one hour prior to dinner that his daughter was sick and couldn't make it...but her family was going to come.
We have tried to plan camping outings, some succesfull, but if I try to cook something to help out it is never eaten. The daughter has to cook. She has to be in control.
When the outings aren't sucessfull, meaning not everyone shows up or if we don't see them for awhile then she lays on a guilt trip to her father..stating we just don't get to see one another. We live only 1/2 hr away from the daughter, have always encouraged them to come our house. They have been here 2 times in over 3 yrs.
On our second wedding anniversary his son called (I'm sure he didn't realize it was our anniversary) and asked him to come over because my husband had been wanting him to do some maintance on his truck. They also invited us to go boating along with his daughter. Unfortunately I cannot boat anymore due to my injury. I told my husband to go ahead and go. He enjoys the boat. Well my husband went to his sons but felt he was letting me down so decided not to go boating. His daughter called the next day, whining to him, that he never spent any time with them anymore. (did I mention he works full time too?) But yet they don't darken our door.
Several times over these years I've experienced devastating things in my life with loved ones passing and with my health. Not once did they show up at the funeral home or share their condolences. Never do they ask how I am. It's like I just do not exist in their world! It's very hurtful to me.
Just to give some background....I told my husband when we married that we would have to live in my house (I already had it paid for) that I couldn't live in his house that he shared with his wife. When he moved out I was the one that suggested he take both of his adult children to his house (no one else aloowed! not even me) and they go through and decide who wants what. I never said I wanted anything out of that house. So it's not like I tried to take any of their mother's things away from them.
My husband did bring a piano (nobody wanted), a dresser, and a grandfather clock that his wife bought for him on their 25th wedding anniversary (because he wanted it) and an older TV. I've never treated these kids with malice or been unfair to them in any way...the only thing I did was marry their father after their mother's sudden death.
My husband son is quite different...he treats me much better we just live an hour away from them.
I've tried everything I know to get along...finally I've given up. This makes me feel really bad for my husband.
Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Or should I just continue to give up?
I don't have an answer to help any of you. I must be the luckiest guy in the world because I am a son of my father's second marriage. My half sister is 18 years older than me and she gave me a nephew when I was 9 months old. We were playmates growing up and the two families got together often. I don't remember any problems through out that time. I have been friends with my sis for 72 years. She is 90 now and I only see her when she comes up from Florida in the summer.
I was in the Army when they sold the house and moved to Florida so all the family heirloom stuff ended up in boxes at my sister's house. Over the years she has brought stuff over to me when she finds something she thinks I would want. She has kept all the stuff that was from his time with her mother as I think she should.
When our father died in 1977 there was no problem over who should get what. He had a ruby ring that she adored as a child and she wanted that. I had no problem with that, I felt it was rightfully hers. We have never argued over who got what. My mother died a few years ago at 102. She had been in a nursing home for the last ten years of her life and that was the first I heard that she always felt my sis didn't like her. At the same time my sis said my mother never liked her. I never got that impression over all the years up to that time and they didn't act that way while my mother was in the nursing home.
My wife's father remarried and my wife always accepted her and we visited often. Her family acted as though we didn't exist. They asked my wife to sing at her funeral but since the funeral we have not heard from them. My wife has written them several times and sent sympathy cards to all of them ---- no replies.
I know from observing others in this situation that the daughter is usually very jealous of the younger (usually) woman who marries her father. She is usually known as "the bitch" and I doubt there is anything that would sooth the feelings. I feel truly blessed that I/we have escaped that.
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your life sounds almost like mine, only i'm not married to him yet.. i worry about what will happen if we get married!!!! we've been together for 18 months and began to share a place a few months ago. he had his own house also, which he sold so we can start fresh. i feel like a total outsider just like you.. i hope i did the right thing.!
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I am the common-law spouse of a widower. I have faced many of the same situations as the writers above. There will always be a wall between me and my adult step-children. It's been about 6 years since she died and just under 5 years since we started dating. We've lived together for 2. I have two daughters who have accepted him as a step-father. Two of his four children, girls, will not talk to me and will have very little to do with him. Their two brothers made an effort to get to know me and we have a bond, although there will always be somewhat of a wall between us, unless time cures this. When his daughters are around us or if I answer the phone the odd time they call, they are very rude to me. His daughters are willing to have a relationship with him only if he maintains a relationship with his deceased wife's family. They expect him to include them in all family holiday and birthday get-togethers. He and I decided when I moved in that this would not be the case. We would like to create our own blended-family and our own family traditions, having the deceased wife's family at all of our family functions is uncomfortable for both of us. If we were to host a wedding or baby shower or something like that we would not hesitate to include them, we just don't want to have them in our home for every family event which was the case when their mother was alive. (It's interesting to note that they pay very little attention to his parents.) We are wondering how to have a discussion about this with his daughters (or how he can have the discussion) without making it seem as if it is an attack on their mother's family. Has anyone had to this and how did you handle it?
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By the way, I've called myself "gold digger" because that was what one of his wife's friends called me not long after we started dating and told his kids that all I wanted was his house. I came into the relationship his financial equal and have had to lend him money none of which his children are aware because as some else wrote above, it is none of their business. People assume the worst of women dating widowers.
For all the second or third wives complaining about children…suck it up. You knew what you were dealing with prior to the marriage. If you didn’t and went in hoping situations or people might change that is your bad. All people come with baggage be it his children from a previous marriage or other issues. Yes, as a child from a first marriage I want to make sure the monies my mother worked her collective ass off for are earmarked for what she wanted. Unfortunately after the death of a spouse, people are in the grieving process and will jump at the prospect of not being alone instead of working on themselves. Grieving individuals are vulnerable and some women/men are opportunistic. My Dad is now dating after 50 years of marriage. Mom passed after a long battle with lung cancer. I’ve talked with my Dad and we both agreed about the necessity of a prenup. I have no qualms about running a background check if things become serious. He knows this and agrees My Mom didn’t make sacrifices and go without, all her life just to have another woman reap the benefits of Mom’s hard work. Thankfully he is dating someone who is well off and who appears to be a genuine person. Only time will tell. She has no qualms about prenups, as she wants to protect her assets too. If a prenup is a deal breaker I would have to question someone’s motives. Do I want my Dad happy, of course. Im also a realist and know the divorce rate is well over 50%. Protecting assests is essential.
I am going through the same thing with my partner and I see a real pattern of enabling behaviour on his part. I finally lost it and told him to leave even though I love him. He just does not get it that I come first.
you sound like a very angry person. not all the time does someone know what "they are getting into," and yes i do respect that you want your dad to be cautious with the money your mom "worked her ass off for" as you put it. BUT, unless you walk in my shoes or someone elses in this position, you have no right to judge. not everone is a gold digger, and there are people out there that do fall in love after being alone for sometime. i feel i am blessed with my boyfriend and he feels the same way about me. unfortunately , my problem is with his sister and her two daughters. they sound exactly like you. perhaps someone should do a backround check on you.. you sound dangerous!
I am married to a wiower of 4 years and we were doing fine with his kids until we married. Briefly,his wife did not work outside of the home,I raised my 3 children as a single parent -no child support and bought my own home and anything else I wanted witin reason. But, that doesnt amount to a hill of beans to his adult childrenEspecially his youngest,who constantly hits his dad up for all the extras.They are now rude gossip mongers and I finally told my husband since he allows this behaviour,that I will accompany him to family functions where I am treated with civility and he should try walking in my shoes as he seems to think I give them too much power,I did it to keep the pressure off of him ,now it will be about me. I have fullfilled my duties or tried to ,but it is time to seek what makes me happy,because who knows when my last day on this earth will be and I wont be where I am not wanted
I don’t know how someone can ascertain another’s “sound” through a post. Being a realist is a far cry from anger. Most second or third relationships/marriages come with baggage and issues. (Heck even first time marriages can come with lots of issues if not talked about beforehand.) Failing to understand those issues is foolish at best. If the two people going into the relationship haven’t communicated (potential concerns or problems) with each other and immediate family involved (i.e. children ect) they have no one to blame but themselves. Just remember the loss of a mother is devastating to a daughter. Many times a father is very engrossed in his new girlfriend and their new love. He doesn’t maintain a healthy balance between her and his children. It’s a recipe for disaster, resentments and can cause years of division within a family. It can feel like you’ve lost both parents, as dad is now MIA. So while I cannot walk in your shoes nor can you walk in those who you are currently having “problems” with. It would be beneficial to have empathy and remember it is their loss and grief not yours.
I can only speak for myself and Dad, but I want the best for him as he does for me. I pray he makes healthy choices based on love not out of loneliness, fear and insecurities. Unfortunately many widowed older men quickly fill the “void” instead of making the investment in themselves to heal their grief. They simply cannot handle being alone .
If my realistic approach makes me dangerous so be it. I would rather err on the side of “danger” than have to pick up the pieces of a financial/emotional fiasco due to an opportunistic individual not being honest with my Dad. If there are no lies or fabrications on the girlfriends part there shouldn’t be an objection. I’m only dangerous to women that have an underlying agenda and have lied. Everyone should do a background check in light of all the online dating. People can make up a myriad of facades and one can never be too safe, especially where grandchildren are involved.
After putting up with obnoxious behaviour towards myself from 2 of my husbands adult children...the last straw finally happened...I have distanced myself from those 2 childish 'adults' for more than 12 months now...the last straw was when step daughter accused me of not taking care of her children properly. She lied, she was found out and still her father didn't chastise her. I have been going to different counsellors for almost a year, finally my husband and I are both going to a step parenting cousellor, it is helping tremendously, I no longer go over all the awful things that were done to me and said about me, I don't need either of them in my life. Recently step son and his wife invited us to their house for lunch...after 5 years I finally get invited to their home, I told my husband that it would have been nice to get an apology but if they are prepared to be polite and respectful that's all I want. It was a nice visit, let's see if it continues. I don't want or need them in my life, I bent over backwards to cater for their needs and they treated me like crap...the power is now mine, their rudeness will no longer be tolerated. I think they thought I was easy prey as I took the crap for so long...no more.
My circumstances are slightly different - and better - than some of the other writers here, though they're not perfect. My friend died from cancer almost two years ago and her widow, whom I only got to know towards the end of her life (though I'd met him before), changed from being my friend to my partner about 6 months ago. He has three adult children (I don't have kids). One son, who lives nearby, had some difficulty with me in the beginning, though he was always very good to me; he just missed his mother. The other son, who lives far away, has also had some difficulty, though we don't see him much and, like his brother, he's trying to be happy for his dad. It's still very new for him.The daughter also lives far away and comes to visit every summer. I knew her before her mother died and when we first spoke over the phone about the new relationship, she told me she was happy for her dad and that she had always really liked me. I'm sure she was telling the truth. But deciding to be happy for your dad and then coming for the summer only to see him happy with someone who's not the mother you loved so much and miss so terribly has proven difficult. She's polite and she's fair but I can see she's hurting. And that lands on me.I intend to stay with her dad forever. I've never known love like this. He loved his wife and is so incredibly good about keeping us together in his heart. He never compares us. It helps that I knew her and loved her, too. We're neither of us young - I'm around 50, he's 25 years older than me - and his money isn't an issue; he has enough of it to live on but not to support me for the 20-30 years I'm likely to outlive him, so I'm not counting on it, whether any of it comes to me or not (and it may not - that doesn't much matter to me). I don't know whether his kids are worried about their inheritance. It doesn't feel that way, though perhaps I'm mistaken.I know everything takes time. They're all good, healthy-minded people, and they're all behaving well. I like to think I am, too. I give them their time together without me there, even though the two of us had practically (though not actually) lived together before the daughter arrived for her extended summer visit (she'll be here about 2 months - that's a regular thing for her - and is less than half-way through this year's visit). Here's my question: how much do I stand my ground and how much do I retreat? There are small things - like, who will make the sandwiches for him when he's out all day - where I don't know if it's best to gently insist on my role as my man's partner (he looks after me, I look after him) or keep my head down and just let her do everything. I'm good either way; I just don't want to make mistakes that don't need to be made. I guess what I'm asking is, is it best to (gently, always gently) hold my place at my man's side or to let her take all she needs in the hope that her unhappiness will simply fade and our relationship will improve? Her mother hasn't been gone all that long and I know it's hard for her. Or will it help all of us if she knows my place in her dad's life because I that's where I am, right from the beginning? (Within reason, of course.) These are early days; I'd like to set the stage for the best future possible, both for me and her dad, as well as for the two of them. But standing aside is hard for me. She's not the only one hurting. I miss his regular companionship. I understand. But I hurt.
I have been dating a widower with grown children for just over a year. His children and other family members accepted me very well and I was very happy with the way the relationship was going, I do have a lot of empathy for both him and his children. His wife had a lingering illness and it could not have been easy on any of them. Problem is,....we are now engaged. One of his daughter's has now become antagonistic with me. Barbs are on a regular basis. I'm not sure how to handle it. I really like his children and they spend quite a bit of time with their father (and with me).
All I can say is run!!!! I married a widower with a son and daughter-If I knew then what I know now I would have never married him..His unhealthy relationship with his daughter is killing our marriage I am miserable
GET A LIFE YOU ENTITLED WITCH
Give it up- get a divorce, and find someone with normal children and healthy normal relationships. I have also wasted so much time on a man who was already married... to his daughter. As creepy as it is, I think it happens a lot. Get out, find someone who can give you what you need. You will never win, and you will never be his first priority. Let him be a martyr alone. You didn't make this mess, and you shouldn't have to clean it up.