How do I deal with widower's adult children?

Maybe it was your attitude towards your stepmother and your father having allowed you to interfere, that caused his marriage to fail. I can tell how you must have acted by the way you even wrote in here, "It is horrible seeing someone use your mother's crockery", let me point out to you an obvious fact. Your mother has passed and that crockery is no longer hers, it belongs to your father. As your fathers wife and sharing a home with him. That crockery is now being shared in a home for your Stepmothers use, NOT YOURS.  I know this is harsh but you need someone to set you straight. Since you have indicated your father is a gutluss wonder I guess I will do this for him and anyone unlucky enough to find themselves in a relationship with him and thus having to deal with you. You are not entitled to everything that your father and mother owned together. If he remarries, his new wife is entitled to security just as your mother was. Not because she is a gold digger but because your father loves her and will want her to be provided for in the event of his premature death. This is pretty much standard estate law. I know that is a disappointment to you but live with it. Get a job and learn to support yourself. Your new Stepmother takes care of your father and he should also take care of her, just as he would your mother.   It sounds like your more concerned about what your father will be giving to his new family and not to you instead of concerning yourself with your fathers loneliness or happiness. You sound like a selfish and sociopathic type of immature adult child that does whatever she can to break up a relationship so her mothers things will all be there for her when Daddy dies. You don't seem to take responsibility for what you did to make his wife want to hide your photos or not want you around. I have dealt with two people just like you for 7 years and let me tell you. I contribute financially to my household and I have redecorated and given my stepchildren all of their mothers things, EVERYTHING. They pretended to like me all while doing devious horrible things in my home with a plan using a strategy called gas lighting. Look it up. I have done everything I could even letting my stepdaughter live rent free in our home in Puerto Rico so she can just bum around and party. I let my stepson live with us for a year with his girlfriend only to find out he was trying to get my husband to leave me. When I discovered the gaslighting I have had enough of these two. You have an attitude like they do they wanted me to have a prenup but their Dad said no.  You have no say in whether or not there should be a prenuptial agreement, you didn't make the money or buy the houses or cars. It's not your belongings to even discuss, mind your own business and stay out of your fathers marriage and relationships. Learn to grow up and take responsibility for your BAD BEHAVIOR. 

 Mostly very discouraging reading on here.  I am afraid my story is no exception.  I have been with a widower who lost his wife to cancer 15 years ago. He has two adult daughters, one is her early 30's the other in her mid 20's. I like his elder daughter very much. She is a lovely, mature and responsible young woman. She has always been kind and welcoming to me.  My widower and I got engaged a year after we met.  Though I am very sad about it, I have just broken this off with him last week.  The reason for this is primarily that I cannot, and will not, take any more of his cowtowing to his Narcissistic younger daughter.  I gave this man all the support I could through what has been two difficult years for him. He was injured at work soon after we first met. There have been a lot of medical problems as a result of this. Each of us have our own homes. It has been a big strain, with the financial constraints of his being on compensation, I also have limited income,  to keep two homes going.    He proposed the 'solution', which I now realize was no solution at all, that he offer his younger daughter (who was getting herself in a financial jam by taking on a huge rented flat with a very high rent in another part of the country) come home and live in his house. Rent free, but being responsible for day to day expenses, such as  the heating and power bill. She was also, supposedly, going to be responsible for paying a small second mortgage he had taken on his house expressly in order to help fund his daughters' educations. I would also note that he absorbed the entire burden of both his daughters' educations. When he received a legacy at some point he divided it between the two girls and gave it them in its entirety to allow them to pay off their student loans.  This younger daughter came home with a pro move, which cost her $5000, she had with her $4000 worth of excessively large furniture she had bought for this expensive rented flat.  She behaved as if my, now former, fiance was an over staying tenant in his own home.  She refused to put anything in storage which both her sister and I had suggested be done.  She provoked a deliberate  argument with me within a day or so of her coming back. Which I now see was in order to keep me on the sidelines, while she ransacked her father's house.  She threw out the majority of his furniture. Rooted all through his stuff, throwing a great deal of it out. (Though it was true that there was a lot of junk. ) Literally making a heap on the lawn. He lapsed in to a sort of numb and permitted this. It was beyond belief. I note there are a few remarks on here from adult stepchildren about stepmother's daring to change things. Well I had done very little of that, as I did not want to offend anyone. Though I had replaced some of the curtains, as they were completely worn out.    She could not have shown her father any less sensitivity. It was just shocking. It marred his and my moving in together from the outset.  While she  had the pro movers and the help of her boy friend, who she brought with her, my fiance and a friend of his, stuff of his that was not thrown out was ferried over here and dumped willy nilly in my living room. He stayed over at his place for about two weeks, helping this minx to get straightened out. While I was left in chaos here.  I realize, with hindsight, that I began to sink into depression after this event. Though I was too confused to take it fully on board I was vaguely aware that more was going on than a daughter being given a break and a chance to make a new start. Her attitude from the beginning was take over, 'MY house'.  Six months after she had moved in it came to light that my fiance had been giving her 'a break' and that she had not been paying the small second mortgage. This came to light via her telling her sister 'When I take over the mortgage on Dad's house it will be mine.' No one had told her that. Furthermore, WHAT about her sister's share in this totally transparent premature inheritance grab? It should be noted that her sister had recently got married, and by dint of her and her husband's hard work, and diligent saving for years,  were building a new house. They had been given the actual  building lot by her husband's grandpa as a wedding present. He owned a farm and was able to apportion this for them.    What older sis gets, younger sis feels she has to have too. Older sis was the one who stepped into the breach when my fiance's wife died. He gave her a car when she turned 16. But she did the grocery shopping and preformed other adult responsibilities with it for him.  When little sis turned 16, put her hand out for a car. He gave her one and she used it to run about and visit with her friends.    It also came out that while my fiance had been giving this wretched girl a 'break' on the mortgage payments, she had been running about buying 'outfits' for herself. She gave her father insultingly measly Christmas gifts, after all he had done for her, and been put through, and me one that was a down right intentional insult, even wrapped in some old brown  paper that looked like she had taken it out of a garbage can. (Though I was, of course, not able to say so.  When I started to say 'What is this she wrapped this in?' My fiance swiftly informed me that she was 'artistic' in terms of her gift wrapping. Yeah right!)   Her older sister later informed me that little sis had bought herself an expensive leather coat soon after Xmas.  She also told me that little minx had a history of never pitching in on supposed joint presents between the two of them to their dad.  She had asked me prior to Xmas if I had any idea what her dad  wanted. It was a quite expensive power tool, $200 or so. I had assumed that all  4 - both sisters and their respective partners - were going to all pitch in.  Or I would not have told her, and would have suggested something cheaper and bought it for him myself.  Little sis, having been corrected, finally, by her father about no she was not getting his house if she took over the very small mortgage on it.  But that he would sell it to her for 30% below market price, dumped the b/f she had brought home with her.  A passive, enabling kind of b/f, more or less a sort of house husband for her, though he had just managed to get quite a good job.  She started chasing after an ex flame with a paid off house. Immediately.    All she wants is a house, by hook or by crook, because big sis just got one.  The situation became that my fiance now thinks that when little sis hooks her new man, he will sell his house and buy his. How crazy is this? So all plans between him and I are on ice until this comes about.  Quite frankly we ought to be warning this poor smitten  guy not to go anywhere near her. (She is a notable beauty. Physically. )  Her former b/f had a lucky escape.  To link this back to the topic of widowers, all this is because he is reluctant  to sell his home with his Late Wife (he had it built for her) 'outside the family.'  I have no illusions at all that his greedy younger daughter has any particular sentiment about the place. He might, I do not.  She told her sis things back in April that indicated that her idea was to do it up and 'house flip' it. His older daughter does not want the house at all and has said to me 'I can't understand why dad can't just sell the place.'    I will be perfectly honest, I now feel that instead of moving forward, with me, he moved sideways on this house issue. He possibly has, subconsciously, sabotaged our relationship.  He knew, far better than I did, what a little minx his younger daughter is.  I said to him recently  'She has an attitude from hell!' He said 'She always did.' According to her sister too this has been the case. Always a tantruming, me first, princess, long before her mother got ill or died. I said to him 'Then why are we bending over backwards for her?'    Everyone who is saying her about the ability of daughters of widowers to guilt trip them is 100% spot on.    There is a very marked contrast between the older girl and her sister.  That she has been willing to do her own work emotionally and delve into her grief, pain and confusion about losing her mother.  She had extensive counseling about it in her early twenties.  She has repeatedly urged her sister to do likewise.  Her plea has fallen on deaf ears.    If you are contemplating marriage to a widower, I would urge you to go with him into counseling, with a COMPETENT counselor, in advance. I am also in agreement with some sort of pre nuptial arrangement being made too. But that is a very personal and individual case by case thing.  Greed should be checked  in the case of both new spouses and/or kids or step kids with a unhealthy sense of  self entitlement.  I feel my widower and I have been pretty much torn apart from each other by his younger daughter's greed, in our own case.  I don't think she is going to 'win' this round. As we are pretty much broken up, and she is furious to have her father back in his own house.  She has not been at all  backward in saying as much.    I feel very badly for him. But I would not have permitted her to rout his house. I would have made her put most of her stuff in store, and leave his furniture in situ. If she did not like it , hard luck.    If these men cannot stand up to their daughters are so guilt ridden there is no hope for a new spouse.          

Wow! I also just posted today at length at the end of this column. (Sept 2 2013) Here is the proof that you can bend over backwards, even having lost a parent yourself, and still have to endure the cruelty of these unwilling to deal with their own issues.

I sense your pain. My daughter has broken her engagement with a widower of 15 years as well. I am a retired Counselor. I can tell you from living the experience through my daughter, run away as fast as you can! I am pleased to say that all widowers do not have this co-dependent relationship with their adult children, unfortunately too many do. The saddest thing about my daughter's former fiancé, he knows there is a problem but "they lost their mother, they are just afraid they will lose their father too." At age 20 and 24, they need serious counseling with their father. He is depressed and attempted to retain a 'friendly relationship" with my daughter which actually meant, "can we be friends and go out as friends until my girls get married and have families of their own!!" She said,"No" and has moved on with her life. She is doing great, he is depressed and miserable. You can and will too. Furthermore a few months from now you will look back at all the craziness and ask yourself, "what was I thinking? and why did I stay so long?" To adult children of widowers, the day will come when your father will resent you for keeping him from living his life. He will look back and see how you sabotaged his relationships. Just as you refuse to take responsibility for allowing your father to move on and live the life he is entitled to, comfort and joy within a loving relationship, so will he blame you for not allowing him this joy. When this happens and it will, the thing you feared most, loss of your father will happen. You will not be able to cajole, convince or guilt him into your life. Get counseling now so that you both can look toward a "new" normal, long term, rewarding relationship with both your father and step-mother.

I thank you for your post. My widower fiance recognized a problem too. But seems frozen to act. My former fiance has attempted to retain a semi committed relationship with me. Living in my home, doing many practical things for me, which I fully credit him for. They have not been easy for him to do with his disability from work, and I have paid for most of the materials. We are supporting a number of pet rescue animals. Or rather I have been from prior to my meeting him, though he has helped to do a things for them, and loves animals. . He has also expected this to be a sexual relationship between us. I have noticed that he prefers to take on projects in my home that effects the pet rescue end. That he has also talked about the animals as being loving, innocent and undemanding. Unconditional in their love. This is all true, apart from the fact that they are also costing a fair bit of money. Though they do not stick their paws out like this younger daughter does. They are in no position to know that their upkeep is costing us, but he is. I am at a loss to explain the withdrawals and denials I have had from him since his unexamined nasty minx of a younger daughter got home. Yet he has still expected a sexual relationship with me. Puzzled by my loss of ardor towards him. I really was passionate about this man. We had a great relationship, despite dealing with a lot of hard times, until his miserable taking minx of a younger daughter got home. Not all sex, when the guy is in his mid 60's and not too well, it is not all sex at all. We had our own type of happiness this younger daughter fiend, who has only been after grabbing his house has denied us. Unfortunately, unlike your own daughter, I am devastated by this. I was very much in love, I am older and I put a lot of my own resources into assisting this man through his time of hardship. And he has not been any bum in the past. He was no rich man but did his best for his late wife and daughters. But he's thought that he can treat me like the mistress, once his slutty, self entitled daughter came home, by his own invitation, and went is after his marital house. I will very likely lose my own house for the support I gave to this man for three years and to my false believe due to an engagement after one year, that he was committed to me and to us. I never saw the wild card daughter coming. Beyond helping her out for a bit. Now it is all about her, and how entitled she is to his house, and how he cannot move, until she is settled.

I really think you need to get on with your life and stop judging everybody by your own standards. Pre-nup - you really are bitter aren't you . Everybody wants to be happy and enjoy life and you begrudge them this! Not everyone is money orientated, although you seem to be! Who are you to decide when it is time for your father to move on with his life? Everyone grieves in their own way and everyone is entitled to live their one and only life how they want. Respect is earnt - perhaps if you treat your father's girlfriend/partner with respect she will do the same for you. Have you any idea how difficult it is for the widower's girlfriend to use your mother's crockery or sleep in a room littered with pictures of your mother? Try and see someone else's point of view and get a life!!

I really think you need to get on with your life and stop judging everybody by your own standards, and obviously by your own experiences, as the truth is that not every relationship is as you seem to believe. Firstly and most importantly how do you know the widower is 'dealing with tremendous supressed grief'? Everyone deals with grief in their own way and just because you are still trying to come to terms with your loss does not mean your father has not made his peace following his loss. Who are you to decide when is the right time for him to move on with his life? Everybody wants to be happy and enjoy life and you begrudge them this! Not everyone is money orientated, although you seem to be! Everyone grieves in their own way and everyone is entitled to live their one and only life how they want. My own experience is that I have done my very best to get on with my partner's children - they weren't happy that he was dating and when I moved in, but: 1. I gave them space to come to terms with it and did not push them. 2. I have made it clear, and they know, that their father can see them anytime they way or he want. 3. I have made myself scarce when they want to see their father on mother's day and her birthday out of respect for them all. 4. I have never asked my partner to move any of his deceased wife's photos (other than in the bedroom where we sleep). The reason for this is that I do not feel threatened. We are different people and the person he is today is partly due to his wife and I do not begrudge him his past. We are different, he does not compare us and I feel secure enough in myself to not worry. 5. With regard to money - I have my own and do not need his. However, my partner has made it clear he does not want to move house and that the house will be left to his children. I am happy with this and respect his decision. 6. It can be difficult for some to use crockery etc that belonged to the deceased wife and to see pictures of her all round the house - maybe you need to realise how difficult this is and stop blaming the partner. The most important thing you should remember is that no one can false another person into a relationship if they are not ready. Try and see someone else's point of view and get a life!!

I am abolsutely stunned at the bitterness of some of you adult children!! I really think you need to get on with your lives and stop judging everybody by your own standards by going on about a pre-nup - very bitter and greedy. I am guessing you want your mother's hard earned money? What if your father wanted to spend it all before he died on having fun - would that be wrong? It is his money now not yours yet - or is that what is bothering you? Everybody wants to be happy and enjoy life and you begrudge them this! Not everyone is money orientated, although you seem to be! I am with a widower and have my own money and do not need his. He wants to remain in his house and wants his children to inherit - I have no problem with this. Not everyone 'jumps at the prospect of not being alone' and if you believe this then you really are deluded. Yes, people want company but that is because we are genetically programmed that way and we move on - memories are important but living for the future is more important as we only get one life. Would you really want someone to be on their own for the rest of their life just because of your own misguided beliefs on how people should grieve and move on, and in particualr so that the adult children do not lose out on the money front? Grow up and get on with your own life.

You are a bitch!!

I am in a similar situation. My boyfriend and I are together three years. He too is a widower. His children and his sister forbid me to come to their house. They use the two very young grandchildren as an excuse. They are mad I canceled the wedding when i found out he has cognitive impairment. I am so glad I broke off the wedding. They think at age 59 I should be a caregiver with me being on disability! The bottom line is, from what I read, this is a common problem with widowers with adult children. They will always hate us. I too, like you have been extremely good to his family to no avail. I would take care of you and let him deal with his children. He should sit down and talk to them, and tell them they don't have to like you but they have to accept you as you are his wife. Since they are adults, he should choose you over them at certain times and not exclude you such as your holidays. He can spend time alone with them but holidays, put your foot down. You go, as you are a married couple. I am so glad I did not marry my widowed man. Who needs the stress at our age! Best of luck. I sympathize with you.

My Dad married the woman this summer.  I was even thanked in his speech for being very supportive of his new relationship and helping with the wedding preparations. My Mum & Dad were 6 months and 1 day away from thier 50th wedding anniversary when she died.  Seeing my Dad so sad was awful. He is happy now and so am I for him. But his wife is another matter.  She now feels she is in a position to tell me what is wrong with my life and myself in general.  I am stunned at the cruel things she says.  And she doesn't even know me or my life before her. As for my family's belongings it is hard to see them in her house.  Things my Mum loved are not respected and it's so hurtful to hear her complain about all my Dad's stuff being in the way. But the biggest hurt of all is to see my Dad just sit there and let her be rude to us. 

Thank you to the person who wrote "you can only change yourself - how you react, how you coach, how you manage stress, how you demonstrate positive behaviours". I am in a relationship with a wonderful widower, about 10 months now. His adult children live at home and I am beginning to realise the difficulties I will be faced with and I feel ill equipped to deal with it. Your comments inspired me and helped me to consider how I will proceed from this point on.

I am in a situation similar to yours. Your post is over a year old, can I ask how is it going now?

What about not being invited to parties where one of my boyfriend's adult married children will be present at?  I have been seeing a widower for over a year now, and just recently have met his adult married daughter who was very accepting of me, and is very comfortable with her father having me in his life.  His adult married son however refuses to accept the fact his father has someone in his life, and won't discuss the situation with his father whenever his father brings it up.  I am often not invited to my boyfriend's family events where his son will be present at.  This has hurt me immensely.  Everyone else (all his friends and other family members, including his former in-laws), have all accepted me, enjoy me, and are very happy that he has someone in his life again.  We are a very happy couple and have been committed to one another for over a year now.  I do take this very personal, and my boyfriend is aware of it, but I don't want to rock the boat with our relationship and ruin his relationship with his son by bringing this up all the time, but I do feel that he needs to man up and tell his son that his future & happiness with me is at stake.  His son is 31 and married with children. 

Perhaps he is divorced because of having kids like you trying to run his life. what a pity.It is obvious you only care about his money.