How do I deal with widower's adult children?
261 answers - active on Feb 18th 2022
Anyone have any advice for me on how to deal with my husbands adult children after the death of their mother?
Their mother dropped over dead, unexpectantly, in her early 50's.
I've tried to be supportive to them, respecting their loss, knowing that I will never take the place of their mother (nor would I want to) but I would like to be able to get to know them better and be their friend. Is this just impossible?
They are not mean to me in any way. I just feel like an outsider that will never be let in. After 3 yrs of being with their father I feel like a relationship with his kids is like beating my head against the wall!
The daughter, age 32, is always calling her father on his cell phone putting a guilt trip of some sort on him.
Every time I try to plan a "holiday" so that my husband can share it with his family it never works. I tried this last Christmas, worked for days in the kitchen, only for my husband to get a phone call one hour prior to dinner that his daughter was sick and couldn't make it...but her family was going to come.
We have tried to plan camping outings, some succesfull, but if I try to cook something to help out it is never eaten. The daughter has to cook. She has to be in control.
When the outings aren't sucessfull, meaning not everyone shows up or if we don't see them for awhile then she lays on a guilt trip to her father..stating we just don't get to see one another. We live only 1/2 hr away from the daughter, have always encouraged them to come our house. They have been here 2 times in over 3 yrs.
On our second wedding anniversary his son called (I'm sure he didn't realize it was our anniversary) and asked him to come over because my husband had been wanting him to do some maintance on his truck. They also invited us to go boating along with his daughter. Unfortunately I cannot boat anymore due to my injury. I told my husband to go ahead and go. He enjoys the boat. Well my husband went to his sons but felt he was letting me down so decided not to go boating. His daughter called the next day, whining to him, that he never spent any time with them anymore. (did I mention he works full time too?) But yet they don't darken our door.
Several times over these years I've experienced devastating things in my life with loved ones passing and with my health. Not once did they show up at the funeral home or share their condolences. Never do they ask how I am. It's like I just do not exist in their world! It's very hurtful to me.
Just to give some background....I told my husband when we married that we would have to live in my house (I already had it paid for) that I couldn't live in his house that he shared with his wife. When he moved out I was the one that suggested he take both of his adult children to his house (no one else aloowed! not even me) and they go through and decide who wants what. I never said I wanted anything out of that house. So it's not like I tried to take any of their mother's things away from them.
My husband did bring a piano (nobody wanted), a dresser, and a grandfather clock that his wife bought for him on their 25th wedding anniversary (because he wanted it) and an older TV. I've never treated these kids with malice or been unfair to them in any way...the only thing I did was marry their father after their mother's sudden death.
My husband son is quite different...he treats me much better we just live an hour away from them.
I've tried everything I know to get along...finally I've given up. This makes me feel really bad for my husband.
Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Or should I just continue to give up?
I have been through hell with my bf's children, particularly one of them, who would probably hire a hit man to get rid of me, that's how badly she wants me out of the picture. People act as if she has a right to treat me like gum under her shoe because she "lost her mother". I lost my father when I was much younger than her and never felt a need to treat anyone like crap because of it. There is no excuse for such behavior.
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I too have recently begun dating a widower (2 years past), I am his first real relationship.
He is wonderful ; he has two children 14 (son)& 17. I am nervous also, especially after I start reading all of this. He bought me the book how to date a widower which brought up stuff I never even thought about. I think it makes it worse to read all this crap.
Best if we just stay positive. Not everyones situation is the same and as long as we stay strong, I believe we can get through it. He tells me to just worry about us and everything will be fine. that is what I will do.
My suggestion is to do the same.
Best, C
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I could not have put this better myself.
My 'stepwoman' will tell you she has done all she can to befriend us. But she won't tell you she took an iconic family photo and cut everyone but my dad out of it with scissors and then put many copies around her house so that if we were actually granted permission to visit our father we would see it everywhere we looked. Made me feel sick. The picture was 20 years old and nothing to do with her.
I have not read all the posts in the this thread so this may have been said already, but it is easier to blame the new woman than face the fact that your Dad is forgetting your mother and not caring that you are missing her so much and need his parental presence in your life more than ever. I am able to see this and I get on with the new woman, but I have put a lot of effort in and she has finally done the same.
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I have tried for 18 years, my husbands daughter has always hated me, she has always told her Father that if didn't stop buying things that he would not have anything in a couple of years, his memory started to failing and she jumped in a had him make a trust and will etc. and got him to to give her a DPA, when she tricked him into signing over around $300,000.00 worth on insurance to her as owner of the policies, which she told him he was signing a loan for $3000.00 when he found out what he had done he revoked her DPA, she then filed for guardianship of him and his property and told the courts that I his wife of 18 years was scamming his money because I had put $20,000.00 from some land I had sold into his bank account and we paid off some bills, she seen that I was using his card to pay off the bills so she presented to the Judge the withdrawal that I had made with his card and used that against me. The Judge would not let me explain where the money was until after he had already given her guardianship of my husbands property , he did appoint me my husbands health care surrogate. They trusted me with his life but not his money. My advise to you is to be very careful and watch your back 2nd wives dont have a chance.
so these two kids who were prettyyoung when YOU moved in just turned bad all by themselves? YOU didn't contribute at all, ms snow white innocent step"mom"
I have been there and done all this crap. My advice is this: Focus on YOUR life and be happy independant of his children. I am now divorced from my widower husband due to his adult children manipulation. Had I to do it all over again, I would have stayed the hell out of his kids lives and made my life (with my husband) as fullfilling as possible. Now, he is dating someone hand-picked by his daughter (some lady she works with) and is happy, and I am alone. Bottom Line: If you want your marriage to work, refocus on your marriage, not his kids. If they wanted your friendship you would have had it by now. Good Luck!
My suggestion is to disengage from anything to do with adult children of widower who you are having problems with. A lot of people say oh don't take it personal and it is true that if they are treating you poorly it wouldn't matter who you are. It is however happening to YOU and that's what someone who hasn't experienced it can't understand. Disengaging could be called giving up but it can also be called acceptance of reality and creating a boundary to protect yourself emotionally from people that do not care one whit about you. Your husband needs to accept reality too sure it makes him sad but it is not his fault either that the children's mother died. To have to pay the rest of your life for that is riduculous and selfish on the part of the adult children. He can see them, let him do it elsewhere/
After reading all of these posts, I wonder.... is there anyone who has a "happy" resolution, or a positive ending? I have been facing a similar situation as the most of you here.... I have been dating a widower for a year and a half now, his adult daughters, 23, 21, 18 are atrocious! I have been bullied, verbally abused, physically threatened, and my property damaged.... My "widower" has tried repeatedly to talk with his daughters, yet they are completely unreasonable... They threaten him that they will cut him out of their lives if he doesn't "break up" with me, or promise them that he will never see me again.... They are used to winning power struggles with him since their mother died over 3 years ago... I know, it is not that long. The thing is, when I started dating my widower, he was dating other women, and one of them became seriously threatened by me... I had never met her, but she started spreading insidious lies and hurtful rumors about me to all of his daughters, his friends and family members. She has tied herself to his daughters, and still feeds them drama. Since that time, my widower and myself have come to date exclusively... His friends and his siblings all really like me, approve of our relationship, and agree that his daughters are way out of line.... His sister even tried talking with his daughters, and they attacked her. I know these girls are hurting. They have been hurting deeply since long before I came into the picture. I know it will take much time to "undo" the damage that the other woman has and continues to cause... He has told this woman to get out of his life and his daughters', but she refuses to do so... (I guess she really cares about all of them right?--not) All I can do in interactions with his daughters is try to show them who I am... I have let them all know that I will always be open and honest with them, and that they are welcome in my life. I care about these girls very much... I don't hate them... I might not like their behavior most of the time, but I don't hate them... I try to remain positive and hopeful for the situation... and I have hopes that time will ease their angst... I know they suffer so much, and I know I am a convenient target for them... The one good thing through it all is that although such circumstances could tear apart most couples looking for a chance, it has instead made the relationship between me and my widower that much stronger. We have never fought about the situation, and we both continually look for some sort of solution. Right now, all I can rely upon is the deep and genuine care that he and I have for each other... and a deep faith that good will win out... Still some positive story from someone could go a long way right now.....
You sound very upset in this post. Sorry to hear. we all desere joy and happiness. Please remember noone is perfect. This is distrubing on all levels. A widower is very blessed in life to have found love and joy again. Each love is different. Each relationships are different. When two people find each other this is a beautiful beautiful blessing. Companionship is wonderful when your with the right person. Perhaps we should remember how precious life is and that any given moment it may be taken away. We must know this when we lose a parent . SO_ rejoice in a parents new love. No one replaces your own parent when the children are adults. Your parent invited the new love into his or her life. Show atleast courtesy to the new person. IF not only for repect for your parent. :) When your happy with your own life you wont try and sabatoge your parents. JEALOUSY is vicious and does not bring out anyones best. Please be happy for your parent.
For goodness sakes. let your dad have love again. he is not cheating on your mom. your mom would want her love to be happy please read something positive in this. Your father is your parent. You sound like you are defending your mom. He is not cheating. All loves are different. This is a beautiful miracle in life to share a love and life. Hes fortunate. This has nothing to do with your mom passing away. This has to do with your feelings toward money. Thats all your worried about. This does you no good. Please dont live in hatred. Please for your sake.
If the man is still grieving, he shouldn't be involved with the woman, its mean and selfish.
There are two sides to every story and you venting on here and criticizing his kids definitely is not going to help!
I found your story very interesting.....I have been dating a widower for nearly 3 years now.............and his two adult sons are no-where near where I had hoped by now. I have tried to be so patient, understanding.......the problem is I have no family and no children from my past marriage [I'm a widow], so wanting to be part of my partner's family is important to me and a real hope. If I can't spend a Christmas with my partner, out of respect for his kids, then I spend it alone and it is a little ouchy. Everytime they ring its like a knife in my side, as they want to talk to their dad but have nothing to do with me. I went through 28 years of this with my late husband's family, .....I stood alone at the grave. I don't want to go through this again, yet I adore this precious man I have. He wants us to go travelling throughout the country.......I'm uneasy, as once I leave my home, its only just him and me. Where do I go for Christmas' or family functions? Don't we deserve a little more respect/ or....at least kindness from their kids when dating widowers? Just a little kindness....................
We are all entitled to grieve in our own way and no one would deny us this. However we are all also entitled to be happy and no one should deny us this. I have experienced both being the adult daughter of a widower and am now dating a widower (2 years following the death of his wife). We have just started living together and are very happy. I was very happy for my father when he started dating again (approximately 2 years following the death of my mother) and expected my boyfriends children, if not happy for us, to accept the relationship. How wrong/stupid could I have been - his daughter does not stop alternating between crying and not talking to her dad. It is breaking his heart and it upsets me to see him like this. She feels he should have asked her if it was ok for him to start dating again and before moving me into his home. His daughter does not live at home, has a good job and a long term boyfriend but says her dad's home does not feel like her home anymore as I am living there - this is annoying as I have gone to great pains not to move anything or change anything, including a vast amount of photos of his wife and the children, other than in our bedroom so that she still feels like it is her home. If and when she comes over to see her dad I always go out for at least a couple of hours if not more so that she can spend time alone with her dad but she spends this time berating him. The stupid posts above commenting on the stepmother being money grabbing and excluding them are ridiculous at best! I am not after his money - I have my own. I am not after alienating his children - they are doing that all on their own. Very few people consider what it is like dating a widower - it may not feel like my boyfriend's daughter's home anymore but it does not feel like mine either: I am afraid to move anything in case it upsets her, I cannot bring any of my own belongings to the house as as it would upset his daughter (it is all in storage), constantly and purposefully made to feel like a very unwelcome outsider and be made to feel guilty, but what am I guilty of? I did not go and drag him off the streets and force him to be with me, I did not ask to move in with him - he asked me, I am not after his money - I have my own, I have tried to be pleasant and polite to all and show respect for his late wife and children's feelings....
Adult children need to sit down and work out exactly what it is that is bothering them and stop blaming the girlfriend/wife of their father for the relationship. If they love their father they will want him to be happy and support him. Also another thought for the children might be that the girlfriend/wife will always feel like second best - understandably I would not argue with this being how it should be, but it is difficult live with. Does this not show just how much we love their dad?
There's a whole lot of this I just don't understand.
He is an adult and he has married. His wife should come first. I don't see this as any different from leaving his mother when he got married. The kids are no longer living at home, it is NOT their home anymore. It's now HIS job to make YOU feel at home. If there are things in YOUR house that belong to his adult kids, they should take them with them to THEIR house as they no longer live in YOUR house. If he has mementos of his first marriage he should be keeping them somewhere where you don't have to be exposed to them every day. I got married and I didn't keep remembrances of my previous girl friends on display in our home. My wife doesn't have a picture of the guy she was dating before me on her dresser. The two of you are married now and your home should be filled with your stuff, no one else's.
If they want to be jerks that should be their problem. I feel he is as much at fault here as they are for your discomfort.
My father was a widower so I have a sister who is 18 years older. He and my mother had been married for 2 years when I was born and I have a nephew who is 9 months younger than me. That was always good for some fun when we were playing with other kids and he called me uncle. I never actually lived with my sister but we were good friends and everyone got along fine. Her first marriage didn't last long enough for me to remember her first husband but we have home movies of him with me.
I was never able to discern the reason but my sister always felt my mother didn't like her very much and my mother always felt my sister didn't like her much but they were always amenable. This lasted until my mother died at the age of 102 when my sister was 86. My sister would visit her in the nursing home and later when I came to visit, my mother would ask me why she didn't like her. Then when I saw my sister she would ask me the same question. This never interfered with any family functions but they both felt that way.
When our father died 36 years ago, sis and I had absolutely no problems with who got what from his personal possessions.
My wife's mother died and her father remarried. Her mother was a graduate of a cooking school in Boston so we always ate Christmas and Thanksgiving dinner's at their house. After his remarriage they split it up between her family and his for those dinners, but we eventually developed our own home dinners. After he died my wife still treated her like a mother but her kids had little contact with us except for my wife helping with the funeral when their mother died.
I guess I've been quite lucky to have gone through most of the same experiences but without all the drama.