when i fall in love, I get depressed, even in relationships

WOW, Hi everyone! So glad I found this forum! Everything I have read I can relate to.I ended up heartbroken a couple of years ago after being in a great 3 year relationship. He unexpectedly left me for someone else which obviously left me crushed and I never thought I could love again. A year went by and I moved to a different city and was so happy being single but decided it was time to find someone else. I joined a dating website and met this unbelievable guy (you know the one where they kiss you for the first time and your legs nearly give way). Things moved quite fast but I was so happy, I actually thought it was too good to be true to have met someone like him! We have been together for 8 months and I love him more than I have loved anyone but for the past 3 months I have been extremely depressed. He does nothing wrong and does nothing to make me feel depressed but I just do. I spoke to him about it and explained that I dont know why I am feeling so low and hope he will be there for me and support me through it (which I hope he will). He told me that I used to be so happy, confident, energetic and ambitious but now I am completely different and just cry all of the time.    But after being through counselling and readiing these posts I think I now know where the problem lies. I have grown up witnessing years of unhappiness with my parents and they are now going through divorce (im 24). From what someone else said on here I think this contributes to my depression when I am in love. Because of my parents, and every boyfriend I have ever had hurting me, I now associate love with hurt. And thats the bottom line. The problem is now, how to deal with this!? Hope everyone on here is now happy. Please let us know of your success stories! :)

Here I'm calling for a more rational approach to this problem. While I find it relieving to read all these posts with very similar experiences as mine, I also find it saddening that no serious attempt at answering the question and addressing the problem has been made in this forum. Maybe the closest to a useful answer is the post mentioning that some of us may just be more adapted to a single life, and that every time we see insecurity and depression looming, it might be a good idea to momentarily step away from the relationship and do things for ourselves. Restating pop psychology stereotypes and endlessly emphasizing the importance of true love, communication and support is not helpful. Nothing proves us that these work, those are just old ideas that no one really put to the test but just accept as being true. These are pop psychology dogmas that are more a reflection of our cultural and religious values than anything else. From my own experience, communication and support do not always bring positive outcomes, especially in the kind of situation we're talking about. There is some serious psychology work on these topics and you can find some interesting article abstracts if you go on Google Scholar and google terms such as "depression" and "intimate relationships" (which I just did -- I'm a scientist but not a psychologist). There are some interesting theories, such as something called "equity theory", which postulates that depression in intimate relationships could be due to the perception of unequal contributions in the couple -- the pendant of depression being guilt. Depression and guilt working hand-in-hand definitely resonates with my own experience. However, I don't know what they concretely mean by equity in a couple, and they don't seem to explain why this phenomena only occurs after a few months/years into a relationship. Unfortunately, virtually no paper is available for free. With the current trend towards a more open science (we all deserve access to the research we partly fund with our taxes), it's very sad that psychology is lagging so much behind. While searching for papers on this topic, I accidentally found a free paper stating that "receiving support in committed relationships has frequently been associated with negative psychological outcomes in the recipient, such as increased distress.". This is interesting and should stress my point that blindly following pop psychology advice from self-proclaimed relationship "specialists" is not necessarily a good idea. Some of it might be true, my point is that just need to have a bit more rational approach with this if we are really seeking to improve, and to make the world a better place. Unfortunately, there is no single reliable source of information on these complex human nature issues at the current time. One of the least unreliable sources of information is from evidence-based psychology. But of course, even scientists may be wrong. Studies are often very limited and one should refrain from overgeneralizing them. But it's the closest we can get to true facts. If someone here knows how to get access to these articles, and either share them or take a look at them and trying to summarize them, that could be tremendously useful to all people here. Another interesting source of information is from our own life experiences. It's difficult to see clearly in our lives (especially while in a depressed, anxious or obsessive state) but at least that's first-hand experience, not just fringe theories stemming from irrational beliefs and wishful thinking. We can also learn a lot from other people's experience, and that's why I came here in the first place. Even when we're depressed and everything seems like a huge mess, I don't think it's that hard to reflect on our own experiences. It's enough to observe our immediate feelings and how these change as a result of doing (or thinking) something. Suppose you feel depressed, you ask your partner for support, and after your partner kindly provided it you feel worse. This is most probably a sign it's not the right thing to do. How could it be otherwise? Because you're a sensible person, next time you try something else. Say, you pretend you feel sad about something unrelated. Is it better? Worse? Why not experimenting with ourselves? What do we have to lose? How about we all share our small life experiments? What are the things you tried that made the situation better? How long did this "better" last? What are the things that made it worse?

Maybe bad experiences in the past with love? you didn't get over well... ? not entirely over someone? lost hope in a relationship? lost hope in someone you loved dearly...? maybe this is what happens when you find the one and it all goes wrong, so you forget about them and convince yourself you're over them but low and behold whenever you start having feelings for someone new it makes you depressed? What I think it is is that by letting yourself fall for someone you're becoming vulnerable and you're not in control anymore so you worry about how life will go...? or that you're becoming back in touch with your true/real self the one that suffered some kind of pain or heartache or abuse in the past that you're feeling all the emotions of, your wounded self.

I am the same way. I feel your pain. I feel like there is something seriously wrong with me; it seems like our culture tells us the opposite is true, that love is something that will cure our depression. For me, it does the opposite, and makes me super anxious as well. I somehow get afraid of being engulfed, and no matter how much my partner demonstrates to me that they are not out to engulf me, I still am triggered. Just when I think I have found a person with whom I can overcome it . . . someone who seems wonderful and understanding . . the feeling comes back worse than ever. I feel so lonely, because everyone else I know who has relationship anxiety has it for the opposite reason: they are afraid of abandonment. I wish I had this issue instead, because then I could relate to more people about it, and all my partner would have to do is reassure me they won't leave me and things would be all better. Instead, I confuse the hell out of both of us by pulling away. I don't have answers, but I do know you are not alone (as evidenced by me and all the folks who answered this post)! Best of luck to you! Thank you for posting this and letting others know they are not alone.  ***this post is edited by moderator *** *** web addresses not allowed*** Please read our Terms of Use

"You start getting a little close to someone and then the daily emailing and calling starts. Once day, you don't get a call or email. You start to freak out. The next day you call the person and ask why. In a good relationship, the person will genuinely say "I forgot, but I was thinking about you all day." In a bad relationship, the person will just say, "I forgot"--only adding to the insecurity." So true! Thank you for this post. And thank to all of you for sharing your experience. I´m just the same - sometimes getting depressed and insecure even after several dates. It´s getting even worse in a relationship. It´s such a relief to know that I´m not the only one.

im going thru somthing like that, im engaged too be married, beautiful lady, great jog,great home,great vehical,every thing a man could wish for, but im so sad always, shes crazy about me,i dont know what to do myself,i lost the first women i ever loved 7 rs ago, i feel in love again 1 yr ago,is love supose to be this way,you think somsone wwho had no family,or real parents would be ok now i wish you well, if you find the answer i would love to know the answer,

This sounds like codependency. It's good to be focused on ourselves so that we can give our best to our partners. If we don't start with ourselves as a solid foundation (knowing, loving and trusting ourselves) how can we expect to give that to another person?

because the world is going to end soon..

Do some research into Borderline Personality Disorder. I have recently been diagnosed and have felt this way for years regarding relationships. When a relationship ends, even if it wasn't a long one it's extremely painful, making the depression ten times worse. I hope this has helped.

my dear sweet people...this is a type of personality disorder.  I know, i have the same problem.  Idk... i found someone with it also who i love, but we have boundaries and we both agree on them, like, as long as we dont say that were in a relationship we dont feel quite so not ourselves. i know it sounds ridiculous but hey, u just have to find what works for you

hello there,ok!i gues you this type that becomes attached easily to someone and you deserve someone who can be be trust worthy to you while many guys are cheaters out there.This is mostly happens to guys,especially when you date someone out of your league but to girls its very rare. But i don't think thats depression because deprssion is usually triggered by actions done by someone unless you spend a lot of time in your relationships then the people you date cheat or do something to hurt you then you can fall in to a depression,otherwise i think its just stress. What you can do is to 1st take a break and while doing that revist your past affairs by thinking and analysing them so you can see what went wrong because maybe the problem is not with you but those you date. Then you can start affresh and this time do things defferently and if you sense any signs of stress or depression trust you insecurities and skip it.

My gf is having the same problem, she said that she started getting all kind of negative thoughts and that happened around the same time when she told me that she has feelings for me and in the past she said that her ex cheated on her and it hurt her so much, so now she became distant and haven't talked or txt me in a few weeks, also she doesn't hang out with most of her friends anymore, she stays with her family. my question is, would time make her change? like are we over or would she wanna see me and be with me again whenever the hard time she is going through is over? I'm not planning on moving on, like I really want her. any answer is highly appreciated

Thank you dearly. I am in a situation much the same as yours. In my case, it was my mother I lost. I am currently in a relationship with a girl I do not want to lose due to this state. No, I will not lose her this way, and I will do everything I can.

hearing that has helped me so much.

That is why I can never be with a girl. I become weaker in the gym! And that bothers me...