when i fall in love, I get depressed, even in relationships

Have you found an answer yet? I need one so desperately.

Yes i have had similar thing and feelings on this once intimacey starts it affects how i see them and past events, i go into melt down and start to push

Oh man, I was starting to think I was weird or something! I'm EXACTLY the same! Whenever I get into a relationship or develop strong feelings for someone it's like a switch trips in my brain and this weird depression starts setting in and I start to feel like I'm losing part of myself, especially in a long term relationship I feel like I lose a sense of who I am and then begin to feel trapped even when the relationship is going fine. I wonder what causes this? I thought maybe it was just because I hadn't met anyone I was compatible with, but I don't think it's that. It must be a chemical thing.

Theres a scientific explanation for it.   ***this post is edited by moderator *** *** web addresses not allowed*** Please read our Terms of Use

Here is what I think, based on the writings and teachings of a woman named Dr. Margaret Paul. She believes that most of us engage in something like self-abandonment. And I believe that is SO true in relationships. Think about yourself and your inner child, so to speak. Instead of sitting down and feeling our feelings and asking that inner child, "Why are you feeling sad? What do you need right now? What are you longing for?" the temptation when we feel sad is to pass off our inner child to the new person we are dating and say, "Hey - YOU deal with this wounded child. I can't handle him/her." So learning how to self-soothe is very important when these feelings first come up. Inside each of us we will find the answer, and ONLY inside of us because all of our lives are different. I am feeling this sadness right now about a brand new relationship I've been starting, and that's how found this website and this specific question. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who feels a profound sadness when starting something new. I believe that much of our sadness comes from self-abandonment, which tends to happen when relationships are newer and we THINK we are being unselfish and loving to put the other person's needs above our own, but it builds up over time and then our inner child begins to cry, "Why have you stopped taking care of me?" THAT is the time to sit in silence with our feelings of sadness and ask ourselves what would make us feel better. As I'm doing this right now, I am hearing, "You said you were o.k. with having his roommate be present at the little painting party the two of you were going to have because you wanted him to find you unselfish, but really you wanted him all to yourself. Why did you betray me? It doesn't feel good!" So self-abandonment is a big reason people become sad and depressed in relationships. Another reason could be that in all of the activities that keep a single person strong and well-balanced, we don't necessarily have time to realize we are running from sadness that is present deep within us - grief that needs to be felt and moved past. The process of holding someone - being physically vulnerable as well as emotionally vulnerable is a primal kind of thing and a comforting behavior. Men and women both find comfort from being held - it can then bring hidden inner pain to the surface as we begin to relax and let our guards down. Another reason is the shift from independence to dependence, instead of independence to INTER-dependence. As tempting as it is to merge our egos completely with another human being and feel like "the two have become one" we are not served well by shifting to compete dependence on an outside source for validation, love, happiness and feeling good about ourselves. When we do that, we are terribly vulnerable, feel out of control, and that is a psychologically painful thing to experience. And you see this happening when the things you used to do to keep you sane and balanced and happy are slowly replaced with spending more time with your love interest. Another form of self-abandonment. You can begin to doubt that you will be o.k if the relationship ends - you forget how capable you are - then fear of losing the "other" can take root and that leads to sadness also.

Makes sense. Not easy though.

The solution is not medicine, drugs or alcohol.. your described scenario and previously experience is valid and known in the scientific field of psychology, so you probably need a good therapist to help you. It seems that most people commenting here are not experts and will only feed you with first hand anecdotes. My own anecdote on this field is to be open and honest with your worries and feelings with your partner. And when ever your negative/depressed emotions occur, distract and distance your self to them, some do this with meditation, social interaction, work etc. just keep away from substances, it will only worsen everything.

And what are YOUR qualifications? I see lots of good advice here.

Hi, I'm currently on the other side of this. My boyfriend has broken up with me few times through depression and then asked me back saying I'm the only good thing in his life. Only in past few weeks did he go speak with someone, now he has realised he has been depressed in every relationship he has been in and is thinking what he should do about us. I don't know how to help him, if I should try and understand and keep close in case he changes his mind, or if I should disappear.

Hi, is there any books you would recommend?

Hi! Im a girl and have been in this situation so many times. So yes maybe testosterone does have something to do with it but I think there's more to it. Talk to a therapist or counsellor about "co-dependency" - I think they would be able to help you out. Even if you look up co dependency and don't think it's your issue I would recommend talking to a counsellor about it because there are many layers of the onion in "co-dependency" and I can definitely see how it applies to your and my apparent inability to attach in a healthy way. Good luck.

I am so happy to hear there are others going through the same feelings I am. In the beginning I am so free and individual; I have great goals and my thought processes throughout the day are all about improving myself and experiencing things. Now I'm in this great relationship, my boyfriend is the sweetest most caring person I've ever met. But I'm overcome with this OBSESSION, this weird strange longing for something that I am not. To be somewhere or someone I am not. I thought maybe I was being suffocated by my relationship (we lived together for a year) I thought maybe I needed some space. We stayed together but I moved towns to get a new perspective on life. Now it's even worse! I feel more depressed and stranger than before! Like I am all alone and unsure how to go forward all by myself. Could it be that because i stayed in my relationship even after moving that is holding me back? I feel so bad because I call my lover and make him sad as well because he doesn't know what I need to be happy again...

I get this too, I don't understand why it happens to me. ive got a young daughter and I'm happy on my own, but I'd also like to meet someone. Every time I meet someone and I start liking them I don't get that happy feeling where I'm smiling all the time like the norm. I get a overwhelming feeling of sadness almost like I'm miserable , I go off eating and my anxiety gets really bad and I start losing weight ! I feel like I lose myself and I can't concentrate on myself properly I completely lose my way. When I'm single I'm very independent and happy outgoing ect . Then when I meet someone I feel like I'm not going to be good enough for them and I don't know why I feel that way but I cannot control it, I'm not one for texting constantly i don't believe I am clingy or possessive in any way. But I totally lose my sense of humour and I hate myself . My weight starts to drop which gives me more worry than I already have as I'm only small built anyway. It's like a vicious circle I cannot get out of unless I stay single . I have always thought about doing counselling because I'm not sure wether it's the stuff I have been through in my childhood, also my first love passed away when I was 17, then I got into a relationship with my daughters father in which I was mentally and physically abused. Come out the other side of all of that and this is what I get every time I meet someone.

I am currently going through this right now. I could never understand why I felt I was losing a part of myself when I become involved with someone I love . I think the deeper my feeling are, the worst it gets. It's like I became a shell of the person I was before I was in the relationship and it ends up failing. The second I become single I turn into the confident and focused badass I naturally am. I'm starting to think I'm better off alone.

weh di nga