when i fall in love, I get depressed, even in relationships

Maybe it's the lack of freedom. Sometimes there is a male/female dynamic where the man takes control, this can be quite nice but also terrifically suffocating. Other times it's just having someone around, having to accommodate them that can result in parts of yourself shutting down. I have the same problem. It's unpleasant.

Well, I feel the same way too. I've just come to to the conclusion that I need to learn to just love myself before I can love someone else.

I was married for 19 years and never got depressed about it. I was completely devastated about my divorce for years after. When I started dating again, I found that once I got "too close" to anyone, I would get depressed. At first I had no clue what the heck was going on. I would just become depressed and that is all I knew and I would stop seeing the person. I finally came to the conclusion there was something going on with me and started seeing a therapist. He has helped me a lot but I have a long ways to go. I wish I had some answers....

Absolutely! You do need to love yourself.

I get depressed when I love someone.. even myself as a therapist. I was happy from been alone for the past few years. Living life freely and joyfully. Out of the blue, I was caught in this relationship which seems to take 80% of my happiness. Love, it should be happy right? Why am I feeling so sad? I tried to analyse myself: - I feel sad when he didn't reply my message on time. - I feel sad when he didn't tell me what he was doing, until I need to ask him. - I feel sad when I try to compare myself with him. - I feel sad when he made me waited for his phone call and messages. - I feel sad when he don't understand that I was sad - I love him so much, I miss him so much. I feel sad when I assumed that he is not loving me as much as I love him. I hate this feeling. I am confused like others in here. I think I seriously lack of security, or feeling of insecure. the feeling that hidden in many of us here. We are not sure that "i am the only one, I am the one he loved, there no one else beside me". I get jealous very fast, get irritable easily. Because I was too possessive to have him on my own. I was struggling between to continue or not this relationship. I learned from books and experiences that we cant expect someone we love to be exactly like what we want them to be. i.e. they are different person from us. I love him in my way. He love me in his way. I should respect that.. it the painful truth that I have to bear and accept. He has his own life, he has his own background, he has his own value in life, he has his own culture and family background. Thus, I have to accept that slowly.. Hopefully I can get through this. ..

I have been going through something similar as you. When I'm alone I desislre a relationship and when I'm in one I found reasons to get out fast. I am currently seeking counseling and possibly medicine for my depression. She's a super wonderful supportive woman and I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm afraid to get out of this one and realize that I should have stayed. So I'm taking it one day at a time until something change and I hope it will be good. Or I'll experience a broken heart. Again

dude you keep saying the same bullshit "I think I'm not cut out for any relationship" "I can't handle a relationship" You keep saying this as if you don't think you deserve being loved and deserve being in a relationship? If this is the case, you really have self-esteem issues and that could perhaps be partially a trigger/playing-part for depressive/negative thoughts.

My heart gave way to your response....this is me also...you described it so well. Hugs from the interwebs.

I'm so glad I came across this page. I've read every response and it's exactly what I am going through. I feel so happy by myself and positive and then I get in to a relationship and after a few months this wall of depression and anxiety hits me. It's like I lose my sense of identity and feel consumed by the relationship. I don't feel good enough and feel like it's going to end badly. My mum walked out on me when I was 19 and I haven't seen her sinse (I'm 24 now) so that might be contributing to all this. I've also been in some bad relationships so I'm thinking I'm fearing abandonment and suffocation it's so intense. My relationship right now isn't perfect but he's a great man and likes his own space as much as I do. I just overthink everything. I'm trying to back off and just take care of myself without getting so emotionally invested and obsessing. It's actually helping. Maybe I need counselling to help me through this. Is this even more unusual as I am a woman? I hope I can get over this. I just have such a busy life I don't feel like I have the mental space to take the burden of another persons problems it's like overload! But then I feel selfish for this. Anyway thanks guys for this post it's really helped.

I am a 24 yo woman and have felt this way. I am a very confident, friendly, and outgoing person. I believe that I am very lovable and have no problem attracting people into my life until I get into a relationship. It's as if the second I know I am responsible for someone's expectations other than my own I crumble under self-criticism and doubt. Insecurities creep in and my entire persona changes. I am no longer cool, fun, and love able and become depressed. It's a vicious cycle that I can only break out of if I become single. Does this sound similar to you?

I also have the same problem. I suffer depression and just been diagnosed with Personality Disorder and Autism

I am literally having this same issue...

How do we get through this? i am like this too...

yes. i am the same. please lets understand, if this goes on for ever, then i am afraid i will have to just end up alone... for the good of my potential partner and my own...

This advice is useless and ignorant at best and very harmful at worst. Suggesting that a person who is already depressed "has a few drinks" and talks to their partner is very harmful advice. Alcohol is a depressant drug and can actually drive a person into deeper depths of depression. The other harm is that a depressed person may begin a pattern of self-medicating if they have cocurrent anxiety (common with depression) or use the alcohol to escape their feelings of depression, leading to addiction. Also, it is very unwise for persons with depression to "have a few drinks" before communicating to their partner about the issue. This can lead to chaotic arguments, even violence (I have witnessed this in the Emergency Room too many times). This can also lead a couple or the depressed person to fall into a habit in which s/he feels and believes that alcohol is the best or only way that s/he can communicate with the partner about relationship issues. As an educated professional, I have seen many people end up in the ER from "having a few drinks" while depressed and then engaging with a significant other. This also reduces the likelihood that the depressed individual will get the help that he or she really needs and it also assists in inhibiting the individual(s) from resolving or exploring the depression itself and/or how the depression is linked to relationships. I am not being dramatic. The depression could be a more benign result or mourning one's freedom that accompanies singlehood but I have seen this depression linked to more serious issues (witnessing abuse between one's parents as children and the subconscious associations or even having been passed from one foster family to another and feeling a multitude of emotions associated with attachment issues that transfer into adult relationships). At any rate, encouraging a depressed person to have a few drinks and talk it out (and this poster added that "it never hurts to do so") is ignorant and possibly very harmful advice. I plea for you to take this post down. Many ER medical professionals and mental health professionals who have dealt with and treated a concussion (or results of abuse or addiction) because patients experiencing depression involved alcohol as a way of coping or trying to communicate with a significant other.