How do I deal with widower's adult children?
261 answers - active on Feb 18th 2022
Anyone have any advice for me on how to deal with my husbands adult children after the death of their mother?
Their mother dropped over dead, unexpectantly, in her early 50's.
I've tried to be supportive to them, respecting their loss, knowing that I will never take the place of their mother (nor would I want to) but I would like to be able to get to know them better and be their friend. Is this just impossible?
They are not mean to me in any way. I just feel like an outsider that will never be let in. After 3 yrs of being with their father I feel like a relationship with his kids is like beating my head against the wall!
The daughter, age 32, is always calling her father on his cell phone putting a guilt trip of some sort on him.
Every time I try to plan a "holiday" so that my husband can share it with his family it never works. I tried this last Christmas, worked for days in the kitchen, only for my husband to get a phone call one hour prior to dinner that his daughter was sick and couldn't make it...but her family was going to come.
We have tried to plan camping outings, some succesfull, but if I try to cook something to help out it is never eaten. The daughter has to cook. She has to be in control.
When the outings aren't sucessfull, meaning not everyone shows up or if we don't see them for awhile then she lays on a guilt trip to her father..stating we just don't get to see one another. We live only 1/2 hr away from the daughter, have always encouraged them to come our house. They have been here 2 times in over 3 yrs.
On our second wedding anniversary his son called (I'm sure he didn't realize it was our anniversary) and asked him to come over because my husband had been wanting him to do some maintance on his truck. They also invited us to go boating along with his daughter. Unfortunately I cannot boat anymore due to my injury. I told my husband to go ahead and go. He enjoys the boat. Well my husband went to his sons but felt he was letting me down so decided not to go boating. His daughter called the next day, whining to him, that he never spent any time with them anymore. (did I mention he works full time too?) But yet they don't darken our door.
Several times over these years I've experienced devastating things in my life with loved ones passing and with my health. Not once did they show up at the funeral home or share their condolences. Never do they ask how I am. It's like I just do not exist in their world! It's very hurtful to me.
Just to give some background....I told my husband when we married that we would have to live in my house (I already had it paid for) that I couldn't live in his house that he shared with his wife. When he moved out I was the one that suggested he take both of his adult children to his house (no one else aloowed! not even me) and they go through and decide who wants what. I never said I wanted anything out of that house. So it's not like I tried to take any of their mother's things away from them.
My husband did bring a piano (nobody wanted), a dresser, and a grandfather clock that his wife bought for him on their 25th wedding anniversary (because he wanted it) and an older TV. I've never treated these kids with malice or been unfair to them in any way...the only thing I did was marry their father after their mother's sudden death.
My husband son is quite different...he treats me much better we just live an hour away from them.
I've tried everything I know to get along...finally I've given up. This makes me feel really bad for my husband.
Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Or should I just continue to give up?
I have been in a relationship with a widower for 3.5 years. He has three adult daughters. I love my partner very much, but dealing with his kids has been one of the most demoralizing, frustrating, and exhausting experiences of my life. I went into the relationship expecting some challenges, but nothing could have prepared me for what I went through. I never expected the kids to embrace me with open arms, but I did expect a basic level of respect, courtesy, and maturity. Boy was I naive! Not long after the kids found out that we were dating, they started attacking me and their father on social media in full view of friends and family. His former sister in law joined in, calling me, among other things, a wh0re on Facebook. Shell shocked by the attacks, I disabled my FB account, losing a number of social connections in the process, and have not been back since. I too hoped the resentment and ill will would fade over time, but it hasn't. The only change that has taken place is the tactics the kids use in causing problems. They've transitioned from being openly hostile to more subversive tactics such as manipulation and laying guilt trips on their father, which have indeed been more 'effective' in causing a rift between us. They dragged him to an inept 'counselor' without my knowledge, and ganged up on him trying to convince him he is a bad father, that he is not attentive enough to their needs - mind you these are grown women!! They've hit him over the head with this message relentlessly. The selfishness and cruelty from these three has been astounding. I had a very traumatic childhood and have basically had to raise myself, and I never lashed out at innocent people the way these kids have. Yes, as someone else said, the responsibility here primarily lies with the parent. If proper boundaries and expectations are not set from the beginning, chances are the situation will only get worse over time. Kids behave how they are taught to behave, and the parent disregarding their bad behavior only reinforces the notion that it is ok to treat the partner like trash. As others here have stated, I think many people erroneously gravitate towards the assumption that you are looking to 'take advantage' of your widowed partner. Part of the reason I have endured this wrath is that I am younger than my partner, and fairly attractive. I am also a self-made, educated woman working in Finance. Everything I have in this world I worked my butt off for. But that doesn't stop people from being presumptive and judgmental. I love my BF and wouldn't trade our relationship for anything, but knowing what I know now, and having been through what I've been through, I would advise against dating widowers or widows with kids, unless the widower/widow is exceptionally strong in terms of setting boundaries, which judging by the stories here, seems to almost never be the case. Good luck all, my heart goes out to everyone in this situation. Stay strong, and above all stay true to yourself.
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I am in a relations ship with a man , he has 2 boy's i have met them , how ever the daughter does not want to meet me , i can understand that , her grief is however tearing her dad apart , she has been constantly sending her brothers an her father pictures of their mother to them via text messages an posting the funeral songs on their pages on facebook , i understand grief i lost my father a few years back , even though my parents had been together for over 40 years ,also my mother is alive but lost her when i was young to mental illness . now that one is a long story , I am concerned for my partner an his boys, as the daughter is driving a wedge between them , her own family, her last effort was to ring her father an tell him that she is not coping she is financially strapped an cant pay her bills or feed her child an how she is consuming alcohol an wiping her self out while her young children are running around her home unattended , she is consuming pot an being on valium at the same time , , her grief is consuming her and she has no regards to how they are coping with it all , if she does not get what she wants she tells them they are dead to her an that they cant see the grandchildren or nieces /nephews they are her weapon . this is sad for all involved , i have stated after the daughter called me a few choice words an that i would not allow her to come to our home , as i do not need the dramas an wont have them in my home , a home is meant to be the safety haven of all who live in it , i have stated if i cannot feel safe there , i will not continue to live in that situation , now i have my partner telling me that if I leave him because of all the dramas this daughter is causing he will do either 2 things one drive of a cliff or walk away from them all , he has asked me should i have died when my wife died , in meaning isnt he allowed to have a life after her death , I dont speak to my own children as they caused dramas over the years , they have there lives an they live them to the fullest , they have their own children an are settled , i dont want to be involved in this womens life , she is 27 and does not have a grip on reality , im am not telling her not to grieve but she has to stop an think that the brothers are trying to get on with there lives an have happy healthy relationships with people . and not to be selfish with her grieving we all do it differently ,im not making anyone choose but i dont feel guilty about not inviting her to family functions or telling her every little detail about my life , or even what her father an i do , the ball is in her court she can either play the game or sit in the bleachers an what from a distance , i refer her watch from a distance ,
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As a STEPWOMAN marrying a widower with adult children I must say that your post is sad and disturbing. I care very much for my soon-to-be adult stepchildren and we have formed a nice blended family. I have come to love them and my daughter loves them very much, and they love her. It's very easy for you to see things from your perspective but being able to see things from another person's point of view is a true sign of intelligence.
A woman does need to come in and 'deal' with her surroundings because that was the husbands life, rather all involved need to accept that a NEW life has been forged. It will be difficult and challenging for everyone but with intelligence, love and caring it can be achieved. THe so called 'advice' you are giving STEPWOMEN is interesting considering that you have never been in the position of a STEPMOM. Your advice should be to spoiled, entitled children. I wish you luck.
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well , its come to an abrupt end , i have had a harrowing week, but at the end of it , my suggestion to this man was to go away an spend time by himself , to try an find out who he is and to figure where he wants to be , I came to this conclusion after he told me he wanted our relationship to be like the one he had with his dead wife , , I am me , and I will not live in the shadow of any women , we were meant to build a life together as a couple not a threesome , . I understand he will always hold a place in his heart for her an the children will always remember there mum , but I can actually say since i have been on the scene he has found out his wife had never told him family issues that have occurred over the years an i feel as though my presence has been painting a dark cloud around there marriage built on deception an control . i have come to the conclusion she wore the pants , and he was just a follow , because of the love he had for her ,
Grow Up! Live and worry about your own life...stop being selfish and only worrying about your own feelings...you are an adult no longer a needy child. Your father is simply just attempting to find happiness with the little bit of life he has left. And being someone's child Is not an entitlement freepass tp their inheritance or their personal time. You will have to share his time like a family with his new wife and be respectful of her and him as a new family unit whether you like it or not...learn to deal with it if you desire to have you father in your life for everyone's sakes and a happier life!
It serves her right, maybe she will learn how to treat other people and respect their feelings too.
Prenup? How does this help?
You made the right decision. You should never be expected to live in the shadow of another woman. A man should treasure you for YOU, not see you as a replacement for his deceased partner. Move on with your life. You will be happier in the long run, and will likely find someone that is much more invested in a relationship with you.
Agree with this 100%.
I asked my hubby why he rarely calls his children (by his late wife). Three of his kids call him, but he never calls them, unless I urge him to. They are all grown, with families of their own. He said he's never been a phone person, and when he does call, they don't have much in common to talk about and the conversation gets boring and dies. Same with visits. He said when he used to go visit his son, he (my hubby) would try to make conversation for about 10 minutes, and then the son would turn on his television and tune out. My hubby went to college, but the son did not. The son is on medication for depression. Their interests are so vey different. My husband is not into guns or sports or the types of things the son is. Any thoughts on how they could improve their relationship? My hubby makes the effort to go see his children who live in Washington State every spring and visit with them. They hardly ever come visit us, unless they are moving to another state, and passing through (this applies to only two of his children). Other children have never come to visit, and the son in question came once to visit, about 13 years ago. The one son who suffers from depression misinterpreted something I said once on FB and blocked me on FB as did his second wife. His first wife and I are still close friends. Even though I tried to explain to the son the misunderstanding and apologized to the son for the misunderstanding, he refused to unblock me. Other family members told me they were contacted and told that if they didn't block me, too, the person who wanted them to block me would get mad at them. They saw through the immaturity, manipulation, and controlling nature and refused to block me Even though the son has known my hubby's phone number for 20 years, he claims he has no way to contact his father, and his second wife tells people on FB that I won't give his messages to his father. She's got a point, because I can't see those messages he posts, because he blocked me, and his father is not on FB. But I do tell his father about them if someone they have not blocked contacts me to relay them to me, secondhand. LOL. Anyone ever have to deal with a situation like this? How would you proceed? Any ideas? What would you do? My hubby doesn't seem bothered at all by it. Should I just not worry about it? Oh, and one of his children hasn't talked to him since 2004. My hubby is her stepfather; he raised her. At first she claimed to be excited we were getting married and said she couldn't wait to come to the wedding. But then she suddenly changed her mind, according to another family member, deciding that it was a betrayal of her dead mother, for her stepfather to marry me, and she hasn't spoken to her stepfather (or many other family members) since 2004. I have never met her, myself. I heard that she got divorced, but I've never been in contact with her. So these problems must precede me, and therefore, I don't think I'm going to worry about them anymore.
THANK YOU I SEE THIS LIKE YOU DO!
My husband died 13 months ago.(after a 29 yr marriage) I met a widower (married almost 40 yrs) at Grief Support. His wife died 16 months ago. I am sick to death of hearing about her. HIs adult children bleed him dry financially, yet he won't go out to dinner with me. He has the money - but refuses to spend it on himself - therefore on me too. I am about to dump him. Should I?? I really care for him, and hate to be alone - but.......................
Run!!!!!! Run!,,, Run!,,,,
My advice to you is run. Run for the hills. Run as fast as you can. Go buy a pair of tennis shoes put them on your feet and get the hell out of there. Go now!
Well said. Both of my parents remarried more than 30 years ago when I was a freshman in high school. I adore my step father and my stepmother and while our respective children don't have a close relationship because we were all much older when our parents married there is still mutual respect among us and as we've aged some of us have actually become friends. I can't imagine not taking care of my stepmother if my father preceded her in death. I am dating a widower who lost his wife more than 17 years ago and I am dealing with his daughter who is a diva bitch and would like nothing more than to rid me from her fathers life. 17 years. i'm going to go to the store and buy a pair of running shoes. Hopefully they're very fast because I need to put them on my feet and run run run and never look back! Good luck to you.