Mothers who leave their children

I can relate to abandonment by a parent and as a parent. However, I do not understand why people remain angry esp. into adulthood. Those individuals who have fathers or grandmothers or other relatives (even foster parents) should instill in children left by parents that they are worthy. I would never tell a child that their parent left and did not love them - it is wrong and self-degrading to the child. I raised a child who's parent left and I always told him that his mom loved him very much and would always love him. As he got older, of course he had more questions - I told him she might have felt inadequate or not capable of sharing or knowing how to love and thought his chances were better. But he must believed that just because a person leaves a loved one behind does not mean they did not love that child. People place their own failures for the lack of their parents' absence - parenting is a learn behavior for most of us and there are deep reason why some parents cannot parent or fail at it. Whoever or whomever you want to be should not be placed on the sole of the absent parent esp. when you enter adulthood. If that parent was a drug addict or alcoholic or physically abusive I'm sure these individuals would blame them and wish they had left. Then what - we have chooses as adults to stop hating and learn to love yourself and know that those parents that left missed out on being loved by their children and I believe that is more hurt than you could realize.

I too have read every post on this mother's day with teary filled eyes. I give myself this one day of the year to grieve and feel sorry for myself. You are right saying they will NEVER get over it. She abandoned me and my younger sister when I was 5, I'm 44 now and on this day I always ask why she doesn't want a relationship with us. We have each other's phone numbers, yet no communication from her side. In my 20's I tried repeatedly to bond with her, in my mid 30's I realized it's futile and gave up as a relationship comes from both parties wanting it. I wish I could say she was ill or a horrible person or that my dad abused her, but I can't. I made the decision to forgive her for whatever caused her to leave us and move on with my life. Mother's day is the one day of the year that stirs up painful questions that probably never will be answered. I need to trust it was meant to be this way, that perhaps I'm who I'm because of this. I'm a strong, balanced, bubbly person thanks to my father and my loving and caring partner. My heart goes out to all of you, the children, the fathers and grand parents. There are no answers that will make the pain go away, but trust that we are survivors and we will rise and love those around us, those that want to be in our lives. All the best to you all. Love will heal all.

I left my verbally abusive husband with my two beautiful kids 6 years ago....hardest thing I ever did. My whole married life was spent in prayer asking for God to make me a better wife and mother today than I was yesterday. It pains me greatly to be in this position, sharing this awful situation. He was a bully, a name caller, had an affair with his "money and power" and ALWAYS chose his "family" over his wife and children. We were just along on his ride. For years I tried to cope with being the doormat, being less than the woman his mother was, being  put down and made to feel that I was crazy and stupid and jealous and selfish...etc etc. I wasn't allowed to decorate my home because he yelled and said I had NO taste! I am a simple, loving, calm, funny, joyful person with an open heart and I tried with all my might to accept this man. As a Cathoilc, I remained married for 17 years because divorce was not a proper method of fixing this. I asked him to go to counseling on numerous occasions so we could talk about our differences and his reaction was " I don't need any of those asshole quacks to tell me I'm crazy". So, if HE didn't want to do something, he got loud and threw things and punched walls or slammed stuff and I cowered. There were TOO many situations where he never thought about the children and I....as long as he paid the bills and stuck us in a fancy house so " we didn't need " anything...in his mind, his job was done. As my kids got older and I got yelled at when I wanted to discipline them for being disrespectful or whatever kids do that need correction, I was yelled at and he would make sure he came to their rescue and let them off....they obviously left their respect for me at the door.....my whole married life was FULL of anxiety and depression, timidity, fear....my family and friends would point it out to me but true to the abused woman mentality, I took his side. After numbing myself with pills and alcohol for the last 5 yeRs of my marriage, I snapped. Reconnecting with my old sweet heart, who I'm still with, being with a man who valued my opinions, listened to my dreams, sharing conversations about the world, treating me with honor, respect and dignity....I wanted a better life. I had plans to move, get an apartment, but most of all, get clean. After I asked for a divorce, he all of the sudden started talking with his children, taking an interest in the learning, finding out about their dreams......and before I knew it, I was odd man out. The night I tried to civily discuss custody, he had the cops come to house and told a friend while I was speaking to him that he need a witness on the phone so I couldn't run to the authorities and lie and said he hit me with no witnesses....I was flabbergasted!!! THATS the night I snapped, my mind, my spirit ...my soul.....NOTHING mattered except my need for OUT! I need OUT of this man, his horrible ways, his need to win at all costs, his I have the keys to this guilded cage and IM in control attitude. I checked myself into a hospital and 5 days later I was clean...by then ,my children were so scraped by the internal tension in the home, I wasn't totally put back together and my need to explode and rebel and tell THE WORLD to F off was so strong, I didn't care who I hurt. So my teenager wouldn't listen to my requests to clean the  room  or help me around the house or could somebody please load the dishwasher? Well...to HELL with all of you! Don't like what I made for dinner? DONT EAT THEN!!! I have to admit...it felt real good to hurt them all in the beginning....I was mad at my kids too....for years, I cooked, I cleaned, I cried over you, prayed over you, helped you when you hurt, cheered you when you succeeded, stood up to the teachers that misinterpreted  you, wiped you, fed, you, kissed your boo boos, taught you to walk, talk on and on and NOW your Father comes along for the first time in years actually taking an interest in you and you gooble up the new found attention and IM not the good parent anymore? I put up such a front for years that as I started crumbling, they ran for the hills...I don't blame them now...they're just kids...But at the time of crazy and withdrawal and stress....I popped. And I left.  It is 6 years now and all the storm within me has passed....good therapy and time can do that to a person. Mother's Day is always tough ...as it should be...I hurt my children down to their core. I send gifts, letters, cards, texts...I know their father explained to them that their poor mother is crazy.....not crazy...just completely fed up with him and his controlling ways. I couldn't handle getting back all smiles like nothing happened....so I left them in his custody and pray all the time that one day, they might come to me with forgiveness and I to them with a heart felt remorse and an explanation. Mental illness is no joke...especially when you suffer because somebody else has driven you there. For those of you women out there that have been in that situation, you KNOW my story and my heart....to those children suffering from Mom's crack up....hang in there...we do love you and most of us just needed to crash and burn before we pick ourselves up out of the ashes to be with you again...if you'll take us.

I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time right now, but hold on to knowing that in time and with your effort it can change. The good thing is that you are not using drugs or alcohol because that would make things much worse. I was raised by my father and never felt abandoned by my mother mainly because my father never spoke ill of her. I just probably loved him a little bit more, but I NEVER hated my mother or blamed her for any of the hard times we went through. There were bad people in my live once my father died - but I BLAME THEM - my mother thought I had a better chance and she loved me enough to give me that chance. The are foundling organization that should help you - most of them provide small apartments and assist you in getting a job, or if you need to ask your husband to take the child - do so through the court and establish visits. Explain to the court, your husband and your child (if she is old enough) your situation is purely financial. You will be judged by other mothers and people who will say "there is no reason I would give my child up" - but if your child is unkept, hungry and without housing those same people will still TALK ABOUT YOU! Don't just leave her with anyone who might victimize her because this is where most abandoned children feel anger - if you find someone who is loving, caring and non abusive until you get on your feet you child will be grateful. Even in foster parenting, you must stay involved and get counseling for yourself to assist you in pulling it all together.

Try not to punish yourself and feel that you must blame yourself. Many woman make the decision to leave an abusive home and leave their children behind because the abuse is directed at them and not the children usually. I would say to you instead of all those gifts, establish visits and be consistent - don't talk about why you left at this time, believe the children are able to figure this out as they grow older. What they might not understand is your total absence - if it is dangerous to visit, go to court and have the children with supervised visits or dropped of with supervision. My dad was not abusive, but my mom left with another man. I never hated her because I knew she loved me and I really had one of the best dads in the world - he never spoke ill of my mom. I got my answer when I became an adult - I was afraid of parenting myself - but I learned that I just had two confused parents and there was nothing wrong with me. Let your kids know and I know you will be judged by people but don't listen to them. Go forward and establish yourself and become a better person first and being a great mom will follow - you already are ahead by making a sacrafice by leaving the kids somewhere safer.

I never understood the anger that children feel being left by their mothers - it is always unlike the anger they feel being left by their fathers, even though it took TWO to make a child. I am speaking from experience - my mother left me with my dad and I was happy for many years and never hated my mom. The only tragic thing that happen is my dad died - then I had no one - however, the person that decided to be my "mom" was abusive, mentally unstable and not kind to me at all - should I blame my mom - NO! I blame the person who cared for me - What I learned is be very careful who you have your children with - however, I still see shows in which women sleep with men one time and have a baby and then get mad when the father won't participate in raising the child or if they mother does not connect with the child since she really knows nothing about the man she got pregnant by. Women (and some men) still think that having a LIFE - a BABY will make a person love you. People still continue to SCREW UP children's lives with their SELfisH emotions. and to add insult to injury - the speak of biblical figures like MOSES - who's mother abandoned him - but I've never read where Moses hated his mother. Go figure?

Six weeks ago my 22 year old daughter left her husband of 7 months & their 2 sons. The oldest just turned 2 years & the other 6 months. Like you our family is devastated. The grieving process is more difficult than a death. I have thought she was bi-polar for several years. We have begged her to get help. She has lied about so many things. My husband & I are in our 50's & just not physically able to keep up. We will continue to do the best we can taking care of the boys while their dad works. I am so glad you posted your experience. Now I am trying to find comfort in thinking if she had not left maybe she would have neglected or harmed one of them.

I was six years old and my sister 3 when our mother walked out. I remember it well, her packing her bag in her bedroom, my dad standing there, my asking where she was going and being told 'on holiday'! Over the coming months I would ask my dad when she was coming back from holiday but would get no answer. I eventually learnt not to ask, not to bother him with something he wasn't going to talk about. Over the coming years I remember regularly crying into my pillow, feeling very alone, sad, and unloved. I developed into a shy little girl but with a naughty streak. I remember being 'thrashed' by my father and sent to my room for the rest of the day, missing meals and on occasion just going to bed hungry as I knew I was not coming down that day. My father fell in and out of relationships with 'dolly bird' stewardesses from British airways.Non of them lasting long, all trying to win me over but I caused havoc and they would leave. As no one would tell me about my mother leaving I imagined she was in a 'lunatic asylum'. Eventally when I was 18 i asked and asked and someone gave me her address and I wrote her a letter. She agreed to meet, I had no idea what she looked like (as all photos of her had been destroyed) so she said she would wear a flower in her jacket. We met at Euston Station in London. We talked but I was not to talk about the past and she said I was never to visit her or she would break off contact. Over the coming years I heard very little of her and after a few years her letters dried up! I kept my promise and never visited, though I sent her a Christmas card every year. No cards or letters returned! Now after 51 years I get a call, a call from a gentleman who has no idea who I am. He tells me she has died. I tell him I am her daughter, he tells me he had no idea I existed, or my sister or anything about her life then. He is shocked. My mother he tells me remarried twice bringing up 7 children from her partners ( not her natural children). He says she was a lovely lady and everyone loved her. he cannot believe my mother could have done such a thing as abandon her children. I am grief stricken, not for her death but that she could bring up 7 other children and not her own. I know I need help but am hoping I will just end up forgetting!! Like I had to do 51 years ago. My father still refuses to talk...............I will never understand what happened!! I am now 57, have spent most of my life motherless...mentally alone...sad and with a felling of being unloved. Mothers, even bad ones are an important part of ones life....I will go on but with a part of me missing!

Hi, my mother left me with my Father ( who incidentally had a drinking problem) when I was about 7. To say it was traumatic is an understatement. I subsequently had a breakdown and remember cowering behind a sofa before being 'collected' by her to live with her and her new boyfriend. She went on to have more children and treated them so differently. Throughout our relationship, she always treated me as though I were her sister, never a mother daughter relationship, I guess the break was irreparable. When I had children of my own I realised the damage she had caused. We no longer have any relationship and I'm reliable informed she is probably pleased as I was a constant reminder of her actions. This never goes away, I'm 54 and still cry most nights for the loss I feel.

Help I have a 7 month old, currently breastfeeding but have already stsrted to plan when i will leave her with her dad and walk away. She was planned, enjoyed the pregnancy, had an easy birth. But i just don't feel as though we have ever 'connected' Any advice welcome, thank you

thank you, from one very unhappy bipolar mother who left her children, the world needs more people who think like you do x

The same can be said for fathers who leave their children and spouses who leave their partner without regard for their feelings. Both show us how physical bond doesn't mean there will be a permanent emotional one. For the same reasons above mentioned people leave, so do mothers. Yes, it's possible they have past or current traumas, people aren't machines and just because you want the order of things than woman should be a mother it doesn't always work out. I grew up without parents. I'm grateful for the life they have given me. Their reasons for leaving are their own. I'd NEVER FORCE somebody to spend time with me against their will, not as a child, not as an adult. I'm also grateful to the person who raised me. I'd too leave 'my' child (child is a person of its own, not a thing to be somebodies) in certain circumstances. Lots I see a lot of angry people here and there's no guarantee your life would be better with parents. Nobody owes you their life. People are not your slaves just because you originated from them. Be grateful for what you were given, because nothing else (better) you could have ever had.

I'm a single dad with a 4 year old daughter who has no mother. You are a terrible person why did you have a child if you can't love it. You chose to bring a child into the world now love it more then anything or you have failed as a human being

I have a 21 year old daughter that has a 2 year old child. A month ago, I would have told you she was an excellent mother. And then she left the father, and walked away and left her child with him. I think she has found a new freedom, new boyfriend, but can't prove this. She sees the child about once a week, but is happy not having the responsibility for custody. I have tried hard to give her VERY unwanted advice, because she thinks she knows everything! Meanwhile the father out of revenge and pay backs, will only let his side of the family see the child. I fear I will never be allowed to see him. I have no grandparents rights in our state.

That's not fair. Lots of men leave women to look after children. My friend left her kid due to severe mental illness, she couldn't cope. You have no right to judge, how dare you? It does not mean you don't love your child. I have been so depressed and in so much pain I wanted to stop parenting so many times, not out of no love but out of loving so much and wanting to do so much better than I was capable of.