Mothers who leave their children

I have a question, my boyfriend has been raising his twin boys from 3 to 5 on his own I came into their life when the boys were 5 and haven't left yet and do not plan too, they are 7 too. Their mother lives in South Carolina and we live in PA she only has supervised visits and if she steps foot in PA gets arrest, so she only sees them if we go to SC. Since I have been part of this family I have done everything I could to be a mother to these wonderful boys, I have no children of my own, they are my children. In the last two years she has maybe called 12 times and that might be pushing it she has not sent any Christmas present, birthday presents, or first day of school present and does not pay the whole $180.00 a month in child support she is suppose to pay. Getting to the point it seems recently the one twin every time he is punished or upset with his father he says "I want to go live with mommy" and when he is asked why he simply says "because I love her." I am not sure if he is doing this out of spite but do you have any recommendations on how I could talk to him instead of his father? I grew up with a father that was not very involved and once my parents split up I stayed with my mom and he always forgot to call or pick us up or meet us then he soon died, so I can some what relate but not completely, any advice would be great, thanks!   

Can I ask you a question? Do you think it would have been better to have a mother that was in and out of your life all the time, or would you say it is better to grow up without your mom at all? I have 2 step children that have a mother that comes in and out of their lives and will wait 9 months to a year before attempting to see them again. Please give me some guidance.... we are trying to do what we feel is best for our kids. It's extremely painful either way however, we feel it is best to pick the lesser of two evils. Which we personally think it would be less painful, harmful and confusing if the mother was out of the picture for good. Rather, the in and out confusion of why you aren't good enough now when you were 9 months ago. To us, that's just the same as ripping open a horrible wound time and time again. Your thoughts? Would you agree or disagree? Please help... We only want to do what's best for our babies... (their mother is also bipolar, lies about any and everything and in and out of different relationships. She was engaged 6 times in one year etc. etc.)

If you don't mind me putting in my opinion I am in a very similar situation and I think it is better for the children to not have contact with the mother and to let them decide what they want when they are older and understand the situation. If you are being a mother to those children and she is not that is all they need. I know for me at first it was hard because I did not want to take the place of their mother because after all that is there mother but when I saw how little she cared and how she put very little effort into it I realized it was better for me to step up and play the role they needed in their life and when they are older (they are 7 now) they can make their own decisions but right now we do what is best for them. Hope this helps. Good luck!

We can not judge her not knowing the whole story. However, I think that perhaps your mother may have suffered from deep post natal depression and may not have been able to cope. She may not have been able to protect you. It was a great act of LOVE to leave you with your Father. I understand your anger. Please work through your anger so that you will not become bitter. I know in her heart she LOVES you and misses you and would want to be in your life.

An interesting although very sad topic. I am 50 yrs old and have four children of my own. They are now 28, 25, (living away from home independently) 17 and 15 (at home with me). I also have guardianship of a 16 yr old Asian boy (friend of my 15 yr old son) that became homeless two yrs ago when his sponsors (his relatives) decided having a teenager was too difficult. There were other issues of course, but my family and I stepped in to help. I also host international students for a living which is enjoyable for the most part. ATM three teens live at home with me: 17(F), 16(M) & 15(M) Recently I have considered walking out and never returning because I am exhausted. I love all three of them dearly, BUT I feel as though my needs simply do not matter. I am sick of being the one that does everything around the house, etc. One would think I am the hired help...seriously! Basically they are wonderful young people but are too busy and/or lazy to do chores, clean/tidy their rooms, etc, etc. Like many mothers (and fathers) I'm done! I woke up a few weeks ago and realised that I have made my kids my whole life's purpose. Sure, I have it all together and actualy do have a life and all that. BUT seriously, at the end of the day all I seem to do is clean up my teens messes or drive them everywhere. I fall into bed in a heap at night and then start over again the next day. I decided that rather than just take off and basically run away; i'd book my partner and I a three night romantic escape (five kms away!) but it was peaceful and really, really good to do whatever WE wanted for a change. My partner and I don't live together because we both get too stressed about our kids over the years and break up. So silly! we now know that WE don't actually ahve the issue but were both sick and tired of teenagers, etc. And I cannot look at the mess and why should I live in a messy home? And I am not a control freak or expect perfection, etc...In fact VERY easy going and my kids know this. Since nothing much changed at home when I got back; I took the internet away so they woudl cooperate and they did temporarily. My DD17 even washed the floor...WHY? she wanted me to drive fours hours away so she could go to Schoolies (very good at manipulating me). I soon woke up though since she hasn't done it since (about four weeks ago now). My DS15 is lazy but does actually care and tries to help but then forgets again since he is too busy socialising, etc. In the end I still feel frustrated and unheard. Obviously my needs are just not that important. That is what hurts although i try to keep in mind that this is not uncommon with parenting teens. i'm just wiped out and tired. When will it be time for me to kick back and relax a little? I don't want to wait till I am 55 or 60. (I also happen to have a back injury which prevents me from some things (vacuuming and/or mopping floors mostly and since we live in a huge house; it is a really big job for me). All I expect is that they each do the floors once a week, clean their own bathrooms, do their own washing and clean up after preparing food, etc. That's it! Not so much to ask...but they give me plenty of excuses regadring why it doesn't get done. I finally gave up...BUT I still don't want to walk out on them (their dad already did that to them). My partner rented a gorgeous one bedroom beachfront luxury apartment in a resort (my suggestion) and lives there. I now spend a lot of my time over there enjoying MY time. The kids know that they are welcome to visit and use the facilities (ask first though) so long as things are neat and tidy at home. How is it all going? To be honest...some days good and others not so much. I do go home every night to them but it means I am only cleaning up once instead of all day long. And the sad part is that I really do miss being home quite a bit but I don't miss the mess (or their nasty fighting...sibling rivalry). At least I do get a break now. As for the house? it's getting better I guess! :) I hope my story inspires others that may be going through similar issues...:) Thanks for reading my post...Dianne  :)

My daughter is 17. Next year she starts her senior year in high school. She is a great student, with good friends and although her father and I are divorced we all get along very well and are good parents to her. I feel isolated and alone here and miss my family back in the midwest and wish to move back there to begin a career. I live on the East Coast where it is very expensive and I need to get moving on with my career as a physical therapist, yoga teacher. I lose my ailmony in 6 years and i'am 55 years old. I have my house on the market and hope to sell it soon. I don't want to stay here, I have no friends or family except my daughter and ex husband. I have talked to my daughter about moving to Kansas City where I would have more opportunity for work and support from family and friends. I could work as a independent contractor until she has graduated so that I could come back here as often as needed..., My dilemma is this: Am I wrong to let her father take over primarily for this last year so that I may begin a career and prepare for the future? I have always been the primary, very hands on parent. He is a good dad and has had a great career. He is 12 years older than I am. I feel it's my turn now. I suppose I could wait another year, but I dont know if emotionally I could handle it well. Any thoughts? ...thanks...Marie

From a Dads point of view. I find it imposable to understand why a mother would abandon her child. my daughter was born just 2.5 yrs ago. her mother walked out of the hospital and handed her to me and just walked away. she later got maried decided to be in our daughters life agin this was less than 6 months ago well 4 months ago she agin up and disapeared leaving my 2.5 yr old with a lot of ?'s and fears once i could write off as fear postpartum hell a simple mistake twice i can not forgive she hurt her bad she also disapeared on her husband with there child no one has seen or heard from her in a few weeks now including her family i dont get im sory to quote this but EGG Donors we have all heard the saying any male can make a baby but a dad is there well goes for mothers too AND I READ up a few posts the new mother who thinks her child would be better off with out her i am so sorry you feal that way and i agree with the others yes it sounds like you are sufering from postpartum please realize your child needs you and yes you will make mistakes but god dont we all no one can love your child like you please please find help and keep your chin up you are strong enough and smart enough to do this just beleve in your self

I wouldn't let the words of an upset 7 year get to me. I was abandon by my mother when I was four. As that young child I held on to a fantasy mother in my head and how wonderful life would be with my mother, We were very poor but I attended a school with kids from families of means. I dealt with my inadequacies by escaping into my fantasy life. When I was 12 my father got sick and could no longer take care of me. I went to go live with my mother and step-father. It was awful experience. My mother is definitely suffers from borderline personality disorder with strong narcissistic tendencies. Simply let him know that you and his father love him and that his mother isn't in a position to take care of him. As he gets older he will begin to understand.

i am currently 15 ..............and my mom is packing to leave me and my sister.........my dads a trucker and is barely home....and my mom is going to board a plane and told me she was never going to look back. i just find it hard to comprehend for a mother to do that to a child. i understand that she was going through things but HER CHILDREN didnt put her through heartache. we are straight A students and we focus on our school work and be coming the best young adults we can be but her problems with other ppl affect us......and if she leaves........this will change me forever.

pandapanda...Be brave. You are absolutely right about you not being responsible for her heartache. It's imperative that you find some supportive adults that will be there for you and your sister. My heart feels for you and just knowing that there will be plenty of others that will send you positive energy should give you some hope and comfort. Check websites about NPD as your mother may have this disorder and it will help you to understand how to heal yourself. (I'm guessing that she has this problem because healthy mothers do not abandon their kids). Sure we may put boundaries in place and expect certain behaviors, etc but a mother's love (dads too) is unconditional towards our kids. That's our job. Chances are your mother hasn't dealt with her own childhood issues and is repeating the pattern with you now. You can change that though by getting help for you and your sister. Your needs must come first. If you would like advice or just need a sounding board keep writing and I'll answer as honestly and helpful as I can. Dianne x

My mum left my dad to bring up 3children up on his own and my dad took to drink every single day so that meant I had to take my mother's roll at the age of 8years old I'm now 30years old and I have 4girls of my very own but sadly I had a still born last June and it opened my eyes up to alot of things and it got me thinking about my mum and that no matter how sad are hurt are down I feel I,ld never walk out on my kids but she must of had loads of reasons why she walked out on us and that I've loads of unanswered questions that only she can answer but I guess I'm wasting my time in wishing for her to make a show in my life.

Naomi...Life is filled with lots of experiences; some are wonderful and others not so good or downright agonizing but the key to finding peace in all things is to embrace the feeling of gratitude; to cultivate it as when we do negatives transform into positives. I know it's difficult to find something good in a painful experience and my sincerest condolences regarding the grief of losing a newborn to stillbirth (devastating) but the fact that this experience has in fact opened your eyes to lots of things is exactly what I am talking about. It is never a waste of time to look for answers to questions that plague you, especially if these lead to healing. By focusing on your needs and simply loving your own family; many of the questions start to answer themselves. I am 50 and life makes more sense every single day. I don't always like what comes up for me to deal with; but in my heart i know it is for my own growth, etc. Try to find the positives in every situation and you'll be amazed at just what comes into play. :) take care...Di

Thank you. I just wanted to say thanks for being the single piece of understanding I have found on the web regarding this matter. I've left my two beautiful children to be with their dad. Not because I am mad, not because I can't be a perfectly good mother. But because I was dead inside. And if I didn't change something, they would have had no mother left. I rather quality than quantity. I look at all these posts of peoples heartache, and I feel so terrible that they feel this and in a lot of cases I agree as to the reasons why they feel the pain they do. But my intention is to stay in contact with the girls, love them like there is no tomorrow when I get the chance, but above all, to be a strong mother who can show them smiles, not leave them wondering why mummy's gone to the bathroom to cry and bang her head on the wall again (figuratively speaking, mind). That is not a mother, in my book. A mother does the best by her children, even if it causes her suffering, in the way of missing her children. And I really think that's what I'm doing. I was stuck with a manipulative ex-partner. Whatever I said or did would have had no bearing on the outcome. If I'd fought for the children, he would have had my strings still, then I'd have crumbled completely and he'd have wound up having them either way. I've bowed out gracefully, I like to think. I will always be a part of their lives, but from a safe distance where i can teach them the real strong mummy that they have, not the weak and nodding stuffed puppet that I was.

Thank you. I just wanted to say thanks for being the single piece of understanding I have found on the web regarding this matter. I've left my two beautiful children to be with their dad. Not because I am mad, not because I can't be a perfectly good mother. But because I was dead inside. And if I didn't change something, they would have had no mother left. I rather quality than quantity. I look at all these posts of peoples heartache, and I feel so terrible that they feel this and in a lot of cases I agree as to the reasons why they feel the pain they do. But my intention is to stay in contact with the girls, love them like there is no tomorrow when I get the chance, but above all, to be a strong mother who can show them smiles, not leave them wondering why mummy's gone to the bathroom to cry and bang her head on the wall again (figuratively speaking, mind). That is not a mother, in my book. A mother does the best by her children, even if it causes her suffering, in the way of missing her children. And I really think that's what I'm doing. I was stuck with a manipulative ex-partner. Whatever I said or did would have had no bearing on the outcome. If I'd fought for the children, he would have had my strings still, then I'd have crumbled completely and he'd have wound up having them either way. I've bowed out gracefully, I like to think. I will always be a part of their lives, but from a safe distance where i can teach them the real strong mummy that they have, not the weak and nodding stuffed puppet that I was.

My biological mother ( whom I call an egg doner since that's what she practically is since she left) left me and my brother when I was not even a year and my brother was two years. Growing up with a dad who was always in bankrupsy trying his best and grandparents trying to help out was the most hard life I could ever imagine. With everyone making excuses saying the moms had reasons to leave cause they were sick in their head, they shouldn't have had kids if that were in case. In the end it's their fault for leaving and having kids and no one should be making excuses for that. I'm in the military and got stationed where she lived and finally met up with her. She has another son which she decided to raise. It's the worst feeling in the world knowing he's sitting There calling her mom and reminiscing about the past when it should have been me. It's like she was embarrassed to raise us but took on the challenge to raise him. Life's not fair and even though they say " god wouldn't give you challenges in life unless he knew you couldn't Handle it " well I can't handle it. My child hood was rough and umbarable and no one should have to have an excuse for a mother leaver