finding it hard to cope after an abortion

This is going to be long, please read all..
I am 22 years old and June last year of 2012 I broke up with my partner of near to 2years. The relationship lacked respect anymore on both parts and just wasn't healthy. I did what most young girls do my age enjoyed life went on holiday went on couple dates and partied a lot.. In October 2012 a colleague from work approached me and asked me out for a drink, we'd spoken a couple times had a few laughs previously and thought why not it's only a drink, don't expect anything from it and enjoy myself. I'm not a person that easily let's people in, I will have laughs with people and enjoy company but don't like to get attached.
So me and my colleague went for a drink eventually had a great night he made me laugh so much he wasn't really my cup of tea at 1st but there was something about him that drawed me in, I think maybe because I'd felt alone for quite a while and it was nice to have something in common with someone. The was defiantly chemistry there.. We went on a few more dates and before I even knew it we was seeing each other a couple weeks later. We was both so carefree with our head in the clouds. Everything moved so fast within a month he was around my house everyday it's my own fault I know, I'm such a person that wants everything now and so was he.. We was jus planning our life's together .. I've never been like that in my life it was fun at the time.
We started to have sex and I have always been so careful I was on the evra patch but came of it, I wanted a child with my ex but he was very grounded and planned everything did things right.
Sex was amazing with my colleague at work I can even say the best.. We got so carried away in our bubble, after 6weeks sounds mad me even writing this! I just didn't care we was having unprotected sex I obviously knew what I was doing at the time I'm not stupid and all my life I have argued the fact that I don't agree with abortions! I'd never conceived in my life or even knew if I could. After 2months the bubble popped for me and my work colleague where just dreamers I knew that together my life just wouldn't be the way I wanted it. He was lovely he'd do anything I asked I know he was in love with me but after so long I started to compare him to my ex everything he done and I knew it was my ex of near to 2years I wanted. My ex never lost faith in me after 6months of not being together I knew he still loved me . I know his attitude had changed because he realised too how much he loved me he was never bad to me just his tongue I couldn't handle anymore.
On dec 15 2012 I called things off with the guy at work, I knew I didn't feel right. He was a gentleman and left me alone even tho he hurt.
After a week I started talking back with the ex again and soon as I did I knew it was him I wanted everything fit into place again I wasn't lost I knew what I wanted in life just I was complete and I've always had the saying if you leave it's obviously for a reason so stay gone .. But with him I knew I was made for life. By 23 December 2012 I was back with my ex. We enjoyed Xmas together we was so in love again and we now have that barrier of understanding.
On jan 3rd 2013 I knew I was due on that week and randomly I don't know what came over me I went to boots an brought a pregnancy test and on the morning 4th jan 2013 the pregnancy test came positive I was screaming crying I couldn't stop. Immediately my mum was like have an abortion my partner will never now. Shes not the best at advice! I told my current boyfriend who the baby wasn't his and he said he'd be their if I had the abortion as he knew what I believed in and how hard it would be for me. I told the father the guy from work and he said he'd be there for me either way i kno deep down he just wanted me and a family but i loved my current boyfriend. I had a week off work and that whole week I completely fried my own brain one min I was having it the next I wasn't! My options where 1: have the baby do it alone not have a man around because my current boyfriend I.e was ex couldn't stay around for me to have someone else's baby he was so hurt !! Which was understandable or 2: have the abortion do it right next time and live with the guilt!
I went with option 2 I know it was the right decision but I am so annoyed,angry, upset and disappointed with myself for allowing this to happen I was so caught up in my bubble I lost site of everything I believed in! I had the abortion on 16/01/2013 and all I do is cry! I know I made the right choice bringing a child into the world with a broken home immediately and not ever having a full blood sibling was not what I wanted for my child and having children with different dads!.. 200% it would have been loved but I kno it just wasn't right. I cry because I did it, it was real it was a baby to me even tho I was only 6weeks my heart is now aching for a child and my current Boyf wants children with me but wants me to wait a couple months but I feel that is ages away because I yearn so much for a baby with him .. I've had a sh*t start to the new year I want to move on but I've screwed up so much I don't what to think ... I've hurt myself the guy from work and my current boyfriend deep down! It's hard to be a Christian this day and age but on my death bed I know I will be scared for doing what I have done!

Only been with my boyfriend for over 3 months now, found out i was pregnant 23rd december, first wanted to keep it, then decided to get rid, bf was there for me either way and there for when i aborted, and turned his head when they did the ultrasound i was 6 n a half weeks, his family wanted me to keep it and my family wud support me either way, i had an abortion on the 12th january and it was the hardest thing ive ever done in my life, i work in retail and see babies all the time i also have family n mates with new borns i dont want it to tear me n boyfriend apart i love him and he is there for me but i find myself crying all the time or snapping at him and feel so low tell myself to move on and get a grip but nothings working, any advice pls anyone :( x

What you did was the right thing, only being in a relationship for 3months and having a baby too would of been a lot of stress! Learn from this and do what's right and from here on properly. Enjoy your time together with your boyfriend enjoy life together , get to know each other more and in good time when things are right and you too are settled and comfortable with each other then plan for a child. Don't be bitter we are lucky we have this decision so we are not just bringing children in to the world for the sake of it. We have the chance to do it properly. Time is a healer but know we are strong as woman no man could do what we have done!! In the end we will be truly happy x

Please tell me how do you feel now and how your husband doing, I’m 36 years old ‘’Muslim’’ with a previous history of abortion, my husband is married and has 2 little boys, and we are married in secret so when he finds about the baby he tried so hard to convince me, but I insist to carry on even that I have to leave the country and immigrate to another country to have my girl, it was hard to imagine leaving him and my family and my job going to the unknown with no money and no legal father cause he refused to give me the paper say that we are married, my baby has no father or even a birth certificate, he kept promising me we will get married after and we will have another baby the right way after his family approve it It’s very difficult to raise a child an my country if you have no father, and after suffering I finally decided to go for the abortion I was 22 weeks pregnant, and it was traumatic I didn’t make it to the operation room I had her coming out of me in the hospital Toilet and he was there standing next to me while it happens, it was real punishment from God, and my husband stayed with me a couple of days after he showed the he cares, and a few days ago we tried to have sex, I’m not heeled yet and he told me the he felt me different and I was in pain, and we tried again yesterday but this time he told me that he can’t get over it, he is thinking of it and see her coming out of me and that hurt, I didn’t know what to say, he made me murder my own girl, and I can’t forget her or forget myself. I don’t know if my story will make feel that you are not alone, and there are even more suffering out there

i went through the same thing over a year ago, i had to do it on my own my partner works away and did not come home. I didn't want to tell any of my friends as i thought they would think bad of me. I had the medication form and i think this is the worst way because your awake and just waiting, my partner still does not want to talk about it so i find myself getting upset and angry with him, I have booked in for counselling sessions as i have no one else to talk to about it as he wont. I did feel ashamed and guilty telling the counsellor on the phone but she was so lovely and sincer. I hope this counselling helps me grieve because i can't do it on my own. Like you say when the due date comes and goes its the worst feeling ever.

I had an abortion last year on March 01st.  The first more than few months were absolutely horrible.  It was the hardest thing in the world to deal with and get over, but i did........well, i thought i had.  My older sister, who is my entire world, and who blessed me with a niece three years ago had her second daughter born 24 hours ago.  I rushed all the way back to my parents in order to watch my niece whilst everyone went to the hospital to see my sister and newborn niece.  I was incredibly happy for them all.  And oh so proud of my big sister.  But all i want to do is just cry and cry and cry.  Coz she's had the baby girl that i should have had.  I haven't seen my sister or the new baby.  As soon as i woke this morning and my niece was picked up to see her new sister i escaped and ran back to my flat.  And i just do not know if i will be able to see this baby.  I don't want to talk to anyone about this because this is my sister's moment, and it's her happy time and i refuse to ruin this for her.  I've been fine for months and months, and i just can't believe how much this has hit me.  I'm getting married in May to the man who was with me throughout the entire abortion, and i love him so much - but i can't get rid of this overwhelming sadness that is just eating away at me.  My sister was so heartbroken to hear that i'd returned home to my flat and hadn't seen her and the new baby yet, but she's under the impression that i will be seeing them both during the week.  But i can't.  I just want to crawl in to the darkest corner in this place and hide there forever.  It's never going to go away is it?  This is how i will feel forever.

I was 24 when I got an abortion. It was the first time my boyfriend and I had sex. He never wanted or planned on having kids so he was automatically against the idea or thought of keeping it. He prohibited me from talking about the baby or doing research. I slowly dragged the days and months on pushing it off and making excuses as to why I couldn't get it done. Truth be told I was pushing it off because I was exploring the option of keeping it. I would go to various clinics to see options and get the free ultra sound to see my baby move. I can honestly say that it was one of the only times in life where I felt whole. I moved in with my boyfriend about 2 months into the pregnancy. I worked endless hours and saved. At the time he didn't have a job, he would stress that he wouldn't neither would I being a server be able to give the baby the life he deserved. He went on to say that I wouldn't be able to give the baby everything he needed because I couldn't take care of myself. Which is untrue. I have been on my own since I was 18 and doing just fine. He brought up various points about my family being separated and not there for me, why would they be supportive and loving of a baby. Which is true, I am not close with my family by any means. I feared having to explain to my child why he had no grandparents or support system other than myself. I was pressured into fearing I couldn't be a good mother not only by my boyfriend but my best friend (at the time) she would say I was just going to ruin my life by having a child, I couldn't do it, my child would hate me... etc. In reality she didn't want to lose me and come second to my child. I listened to them and in September 2012 I went to an abortion clinic. I endured the most traumatic experience I have ever had. I will never forget the images, feelings and emotions that went on in that 3 day process. I had to go into consult a day before they would even do the proceedure. Since I was so far along it was a 2 day process. The first day consisted of an ultrasound, a small 'mental health' exam which consisted of "are you sure you want to do this?" in which I lied and agreed to because I knew my bf was outside the door waiting for me. He led me to believe I was doing the right thing. The second day I came back in and they put dilators in me to make the procedure easier. Then they gave me a shot. I was so upset about being there that my baby could feel my emotions and knew something was up because he was moving around SO much that day right up until they gave him that shot. I will never forget it. They had the ultrasound tech holding the device to locate him on my stomach& the Dr. even said 'wow, you got an active little guy.' That forever haunts me. That night they gave me meds to induce labor and help the process along. In a pain killer, sleep induced state I took the wrong pill. I induced labor 10 hours too early. My water broke, contractions were about every minute by the time I got to the clinic. I couldn't even walk. My boyfriend was extremely supportive (sounds stupid, I know) he was caring... Rushed in told the lady what was wrong. Called the clinic multiple times and the emergency hotline with my condition and what had happened. I remembered huddled over waddling into the room and the nurse demanded I put on the clinic gown. The state of pain I was in, I couldn't do anything. My boyfriend dressed me and they allowed him to stay in the room. I blacked out from the amount of pain I was in, I guess my body couldn't handle everything I was going through and just shut off my memory after a certain point. The last thing I remember is pushing and holding my vagina waiting for the doctor to come in and feeling what I believe to be the head of my son. I kept screaming 'someone help me, I can feel him' the doctor came in and coldly told me 'I needed to keep quiet and use my inside voice.' I looked up at my panicked boyfriend and said "Is she serious right now?" then I was out. My boyfriend told me the look of fear in my eyes haunts him to this day. He said I looked terrified as if I saw a ghost." The amount of guilt, pain and emotions I feel now are intense. I hate him, I hate myself and I cry over the littlest things. I am now finally seeking help after 5 months but to be honest regarding emotional support he isn't the least bit understanding. He doesn't get how I bonded with my unborn son. I cried so hard on the due date of my expected baby. I felt so much grief and sadness thinking of the what if's... What I had done wrong. How I let two miserable people persuade me into thinking I couldn't love and provide for my child when I know damn well I am a strong and able woman. I would have fought and earned everything that child deserved but I gave it all away. I now have to live with the guilt. I cannot ever forget how the Dr. told me after the surgery "that the remains in the bag in the freezer were that of a little boy, in case you were curious." My heart hurts recalling the day he stopped moving in my stomach. I cry begging him to forgive me and sometimes all I can really repeat over and over is, I'm sorry. 

I know how you all feel. It is a terrible feeling. I was born into a family with high moral standards and a strong faith in God. I now have to take these 2 abortions that I have had with me to the grave, and face my maker one day. What I did was commit murder.. and I have to explain to God one day why I did what I did, which was just to be selfish and live a so called "better life." I do have a son now.. and I know what it feels like to be a mother and what I would give to at least know what my 2 children would have been like. When I had my first abortion I was 18 and was not on any birth control. All i was doing was the pull-out method..and of course it led me to be pregnant. I know I shouldn't come up with excuses to explain what I did .. but I feel like I was trying to fill a void that I had. My mother passed when I was 18 and I was going through a lot at the time. I was in college, and didn't have a decent job. I feel like now that I could've prob made it work out but it would have been very hard. I don't think that my husband and I would've worked out like we are now. The second time was a year after I had the first one .. and I was still not on birth control.. and just trying to go to the health dept in time to take the morning after pill. I couldn't take it in time.. and was 13 weeks along. I really wanted to keep this child.. because I knew how hard it would be to go through with another abortion and I didn't have the money to cover the expense of the abortion. I told my aunt that I was pregnant and she decided to take me to get the abortion done. I felt more pressured the second time around by my aunt. She didn't want me to be a single mom without a decent job and un-wed taking care of a baby. So after those two abortions.. I realized I needed to wake up and finish school and when I did.. it wasnt shortly there after that I became pregnant again. This time around I kept him .. and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life. Now I think that my son would've had 2 siblings.. and the agonizing guilt still sits with me all the time. I just wish that I could turn the clock around and not make the decision to kill them. I should've at least went with an open adoption.. or something. I am glad that I did finish school.. and I don't know if I would've been able to with raising 2 children.. but if I could go back I would've tried. Being a mother is the best feeling in the whole world. There is nothing like it. It is absolutely a blessing... not a mistake. I just wish I could forgive myself. It is so hard to completely forgive myself for what I did. I am a murderer.

As I write this with tears in my eyes and total remorse. I am truly thankful to know that I am not alone. Last year December I took   took out the copper T that I had inside of me  for approximately four years due to complications. Early January i found out i was pregnant after having  three rough pregnancies and almost died with the last. My doctor told me it was a fifty-fifty chance and advised me to terminate the pregnancy. My health was already deteriorating and I knew some where in the back of my mind  i may not of make it through the full term. And I reluctantly, did it... My Doctor referred me to a next Doctor, who perform a suction abortion. After it was done the Doctor and the nurse just left the room with me lying on the bed with pain i was forced to put back on my clothes and find the way out the doctor's office by myself. I am a religious person and a leader in my church I now regret every moment of it .Why didn't i trust in God to pull me through ??? I feel like such a failure, a murderer, never in my christian walk with God and my moral values would I have dreamed about an abortion. I can't get it out of my mind i relive every moment of it  i have sleepless night and the guilt is too much.  

hi im currently pregnant i am 20 years old with no job and currently in college. Me and my boyfriend had been together for 3 years and we already have a child who is now 2 but because of certain situations it is hard for us to have another child at least this is what he tells me. i am extremly lost idk what to do i have not gone through with the abortion as of yet but the day is getting closer i just want to know how you coped with it if you dont mind sharing ur story i know this was 5 years ago but how did it work out for u is everything ok were you and your husband able to move on and still love eachother without blaming eachother. Please help me before i make the wrong decision i need to know that i will be ok and that i wont blame myself forever i feel so bad and worthless for what i am about to do, im scared and just need to speak to someone about it. though my boyfriend is here for me i still feel he doesnt know how to help me deal with this i feel like he beats himself up for making me go through with this decision. and eveytime we try to talk about it i just begin to cry it hurts to even talk about it without me feeling like a monster please help me from one female who has been through it to another who is going through it what should i do

My situation is so similar. I had the procedure on Thursday. I instantly regretted it and I can't even look at my husband now. He just kept stressing that we couldn't afford another baby and that if we had a third we would be taking away from our other two kids. I don't know if our marriage will survive this.

i know the pain u mean deeplyhurt. im 25 yrs old with a 11 month old son. i had an abortion a week ago at 9 weeks. for me too it was due to financial and family issues. im a student also struggling to finish my degree. my partner of 9 months seemed ecstatic when we first thought i may b pregnant and then seemingly even more so wen i confirmed it was an at home test. but wen we finally talked about he said we cudnt do it because we cudnt provide with only him working. i was so torn up that second. to think this guy i loved was telln me we have to end this child's life. but i too knew we cudnt do it. the days leading up to he never touched my stomach but every day every second i never forgt the life growing in me. the day of the abortion and the days after he has been me more distant. working more and im seeing him less talking to him less. im so alone and hurting so much i don kno wat to do. i dont want my son see me like this but i dont have anyone to help me.

 

I am also 22 year old student who has recently committed the biggest regret in her life. I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with my "summer fling". I was 61/2 weeks pregnant when I went through with my decision. I am lucky to be surrounded with such a supportive group of friends and caring mom. I am currently happily in a relationship with the man who i conceived with but find the guilt and turmoil of having an abortion more troublesome then I would have anticipated. I always grew up being told it was the wrong thing an trust me I would never ever ever wish this decision on any women no matter her age or situation! There are not many things to say to someone going through such a rough time and me who has been through it find myself at a lost for things to say... When I found out I was pregnant I told my mom before anyone else.. I had no idea what she was going to say but surprisingly was there for me.. Away at college scared and knowing that the future for my unborn child would never be what I would want to provide for it. I am graduating in this May and would be having the baby in the same week. I decided to tell my boyfriend to be because I felt that he should know what was happening. At this time we had only known one another for 5 months and here i was pregnant with his child. He is an amazing individual who has been nothing but supportive. He and I wanted to keep the baby of course but he who had never known His own father only wanted perfection for his future off spring as do I. Consequently neither of us are able to support such a beautiful gift.. The story only deeps although my mom was not happy and there to catch my tears she reassured me this was the best option.. I never really have myself another choice. I can barely raise myself but I thought well 16 years can support a child why can't I??? The visions of the clinic still fresh in my mind are unbearable to reminisce about. They had to do an ultra sound to justify my pregnanc, yess indeed I was not with one but TWO. The devastation was is full swing. Pregnant at 22 unable to raise one but two no way but that makes the decision that much more heart wrenching. I think I'm a loving, caring soul committing the most immoral sinful act. I would not want to bring a child or siblings into this chaotic world unless I was ready to be a fit parent. Now since that day back in October 2012 I always struggle that day of every month. thinking what trimester I would be in. How big the baby would be? boy or girl? same sex? i have my friend, mom and most of all my boyfriend to talk to but I feel like people are tired of listening. I'm sorry I'm not allowed to have a bad day... I am suffering with guilt and shame day in and day out!!! i don't want to laugh, smile or feel happy in my new found love. I feel depressed during whats supposed to be one of the most happiest days of my young life! The sad thing is I never been in love or had a relationship. now I am with the guy I had found myself pregnant with.. He wants to move on more now so i try not to being it up but seeing pregnant women & every where i turn I fell like someone is having a baby! I feel like my mood swings crying and ups and downs is effecting our relationship. He says I'm strong and wishes he can be here all the time but being long distance until I graduate is tearing me apart inside. Alls I want is to be with him and realize it will all be okay but currently I take out my angry and grief on him and need to stop. I love him with my whole heart and he wants a future with me and when we can raise children we will have a beautiful family but I feel like this will always haunt my thoughts and until what was to be the "due date" I find each day a struggle to face the world. I know it was my choice which only lets the blame fall harder but I was not subjecting my twins to adoption! The world is a sick place! i didn't want them to get separated, I know even though this the most disgusting inhumane act I can ever commit this was better over the struggle to put food on the table and all the expenses involved. I hope one day I will be forgiven. Thanks you all for your post makes me feel understood so many others have been in my position! Wish you all the best with your coping :)

Hi, literally felt like i was reading about myself. I was 10 weeks pregnant and i had an abortion. Since first thinking about having an abortion i felt guilty and knew it was wrong but I still went ahead with it. Same as many people commented I will never ever forget the room and still remember it every single day and it haunts me at night. The hurt, guilt and horrible feelings never go away they just get worse. September 14th will always be in my mind and I will always regret that day. Even after seeing the scan (when nurses werent looking) I still went ahead with it which I will always count as he most evil thing i could possibly do or have done. The pain afterwards is a huge reminder of what you have done and tbh i would happily go through that pain every second of every day if it meant i could turn back time and change what I did. I get for some people this is the right option and they can cope with it but for so many people its the biggest mistake. 

So i never do use these things, and I know mostly women are posting on this but right now i'm not sure what to do with myself, i'm going to be starting therapy soon but not soon enough. I recently broke up with my girlfriend of a little over 2 years and it's been really hard. We had an abortion last november and never really ever talked about it. I've come to learn recently that neither of us actually wanted to do it, we just assumed the other did and went through with it. I wish we had talked about it and i wish we hadn't done it but it's too late now. I'm just struggling with it even more than ever now because i had never really known she wanted to have the kid too and now that our relationship has ended i can't even really talk about it with her. she doesn't want to and i just don't know what i can do to try and feel better about it. I don't really have anyone else to talk about it with who has really gone through anything like it.