finding it hard to cope after an abortion

I understand how you feel. I was 16 when i had a termination. My parents pushed it upon me and as far as they were concerned there was no other option but to have it done. I also had the added pressure of my boyfriend and his parents telling me i needed to have the operation done. So i did what i thought i needed to do just so that i kept everyone happy. I pushed my feelings aside. I had my termination on the 24th December 2008, and i still think about it every day. I still feel the loss, i feel hopelessly sad that i ended such an innocent life that i had created. Worse still, i feel such guilt. But please dont dispair because i promise it will get easier. Im not saying you will ever forget the details of that day, or ever stop feeling a sadness and loss. Because you will. But it becomes easier to cope with. I found that time has become the main healer. Id also suggest finding someone to talk to. I remember opening up to someone i hardly knew just because i had to talk about it, i told them how empty i felt. I told them how guilty and sad i felt, and it helped, it helped so much. I hope you find yourself in a place where you can come to terms with what you have been through. If you would like to talk to me i'd be happy to. Just write back to me.

I'm 16 and had my abortion 3 weeks ago, tomorrow. I thought maybe it would get easier, but every day it seems to get harder. I feel like i failed my one opportunity to do something good in this world, to be a mother to my child. I feel anger towards my boyfriend, although he is hurting, i dont feel he is hurting as much as i am. So i drag him down with me. I know its wrong, but i dont want to be alone through this. All i think about is what my baby would look like, what it would feel like to be called mommy by MY child. Im hurting, i threw away the most precious thing in life. Took it for granted. And for that, i deserve nothing but the pain im going through. I feel like such a failure.

Yesterday afternoon I sat in a similar operation chair and had the procedure done as well. I've been weeping on and off, upset, angry, sad, then apathetic...then it all repeats itself.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 7 months now, I moved to NC from WA state to be with him, and soon I was having symptoms of a pregnancy. He has a son who is 6 back in WA, I am 21 first pregnancy. I didnt plan on having children, neither did he. Once I took the test and found it was positive, I ran out of the house, drove off and called my mom - tears flooding down my face, i knew he wouldnt let me keep it.
I am a christian and do not believe in abortion....well....up until i felt cornered alone, defenseless, dependent, He told me we could have kids later when we are srtonger financially, and that by keeping the baby I would ruin his plans for us. If i kept the baby he would send me back to WA and not be a part of the childs life.
Growing up with divorced parents, I didnt want my child to go through life missing a parent. So i decided, to go ahead with the abortion, why have a child when its father would resent its very own breath, and life. I thought that he would be there for me and the child...since he was already a father and he supposedly had profound love invested in me. I was wrong.
Anyway, after 3 hours at the facility and an hour fight outside about keeping the baby, I left him in the parking lot and went into the operating room. It hurt so bad, my soul was trying so hard to pul the baby back into me, I sobed the entire time. How could he be so cold.
I didnt give it a chance, I didn't try, I wanted to please my boyfriend, didnt want to lose him, didnt want to have to tell my child why its father was absent, was afraid to struggle.
this morning he told me I made the right decision......I replied, I made a decision that I regret, you are happy now you got what you want, and what am i left with, a dark dark memory that I will regret everyday of the rest of my life. It was a part of me, it was half of me that I let be ripped out of its womb, warm dark, filled with the music of my beating heart.  He leaves me home alone to go fishing....I once thought I was the luckiest girl in the world to have a man like i do, now i feel like im tettering on hells edge.
IDK what to do, he doesn't care, doesn't understand. It sounds cliche, but when I got home I felt as if the life was taken out of me....life my soul left as well. How can I call myself christian, or even attempt to ask God for forgiveness.

Hey, im 18 and had one done 10days ago. They were twins. :'( i havent forgiven myself and everyday i wish i wouldve stood up for them and my personal choice which was pro life. But i felt pressure by their dad and my mom. with no job, car, or hs diploma yet she figured it'll all come back on her. but im currently living with my 6month nephew whish makes it harder.they wouldve been born close to my birthday. i really believe that it couldve worked out. i didnt have enough time to sit and talk abt wat was happening. everyday i cry and look at the ultrasound pic. they had just turned 13weeks and i was in my 2nd trimester. i began to feel them move and was finally not sick anymore. everything was turning around. i wish i wouldve made MY choice and not wat others wanted. now i pray that next time i will conceive twins again. i miss them so much and they were so beautiful together.never again will i go against my heart. i take this as a lesson from God used to make me stronger, i cannot reverse even thou i would do anything to. I love them more than anything. a part of me hopes by some miracle tht they are still with me. but slowly i am accepting wat i have done. they wont ever be forgotten and im going to make them proud. and no sex w/o committment to avoid tht and other mistakes. But now i have 2 angels to look forward to meeting. :) slowly but surely i will forgive myself as i hope they have forgiven me.

hi, im 23. found out last week that im about 5-7wks pregnant. with my first baby. i always thought it would be an incredible moment when i found out. well it was for a bout 2 seconds until my boyfriend saw the results of the test. i NEVER thought abortion would be an option. i just always thought it was wrong and horrible. but now my boyfriend has me choosing either the baby or him. see, my stories a bit more complicated, im in another country where my bf lives. so i cant legally get a job or go to school, if i keep the baby i have to go home to get the proper care and would not be sure when id see my bf again. hes got a nice job, though is underpayed, and a life here and says it could be years until we see each other again. we dont really have enough money for ourselves, and i understand where he's coming from in that respect. but reading all these stories about how you regret doing this to your babies scares me to death. i honestly do not know what to do. i feel like im being pushed into having it done by my boyfriend (and mom is on the fence about it). i know it wouldnt be the best life for a baby but it would still be a life. i feel like no one is on my side or going to support me (even though they say they will) with whatever choice i make. i'm so alone, confused and incredibly hurt. :'(

I'm a 20 yr old second year student, and been with my boyfriend for 9 months. I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago (and I am now 6 weeks pregnant), I was also over joyed for a second as I had long felt broody especially after my best friend had a baby 6 months ago. Even though it was a complete shock and not planned I felt that my boyfriend would be supportive and I hoped a little pleased as we had spoken about children before. However, his reaction was far from it he was angry and said that a termination was the best possible option for both of us. He didn't asked how I felt about it and I felt cross he had made the decision that this was best for me without me. When I said I was unsure that I could have a termination he said he did not believe our relationship would survive it, so essentially boiled down to saying it was him or the baby. I was hugely disappointed in him, I felt like the choice was take out of my hands. My mum has been of little use as she is highly religious and although she says she will support me either way I know she greatly disapproves of abortions and would be secretly hurt by it all. Things got even worse when my boyfriend told his parents they screamed down the phone how he had disgraced them, that he had ruined his life all for a "little lower class tart" and his mother even when as far as to suggest I had planned all this as part of a master plan to trap him and scam him out of his money ( he comes from a well off family). They ended the conversation by saying either he got rid of the baby or if I wouldn't play ball he was to dump me or they would disown him. I felt terrible for this and felt so guilt ridden for causing him such stress but at the same time utterly horrified at his parents behaviours and disgusted that their were people still out there who could be so heartless and compassion-less even towards their own son. And with this all going on I'm still having to do my degree carry on doing my assignments and act normal in public. I already suffered from anxiety disorder, but I had been doing incredibly well and making a recovery but all this has set me back a lot. And I find myself both loving my baby one minuet and then hating it with vengeance the next. So I decided to look at the pros and cons.

I am a 19 year old student and I've recently found out that I'm 6 weeks pregnant. The father is my best friend and we started seeing each other 5 months ago. Its been a hard decision but I know that whats best for both of us is to get an abortion. We are both working students with no financial aid from our parents. We can barely afford to pay for food let alone supporting a baby. I always knew that if I got pregnant young and not in an ideal situation to raise a child, that I would be pro choice and get an abortion. The past few days have been miserable. I can't stop thinking about this child growing inside of me. I cry all day. I can barely sleep. I know the father supports me and my decisions 100% and has been trying to make me feel better, but he just does not understand how I'm feeling. I have an ultrasound at the end of next week which is required before I can go through with the abortion. I am terrified. I know that if I get one glimpse at the baby my heart is going to break. I feel scared, alone, depressed. I don't know who to talk to. How am I ever going to forgive myself for what I am about to do?

I just found your story on this website and at last I find someone with a similar story to me(Be it I am probably much older than you!).. I have two beautiful boys 6 and 20mths.. last yr I discovered I was pregnant (my youngest was only 7mths at the time).. I had and have a great husband , and he supported me in my decision.. I believe in womens rights etc, but never thought I would ever be able to have an abortion personally.. Long story short I went through with it on June 1st 2011, put it to the back of my mind(most of the time) for the next few months, then coming up to what would have been my due date in January I had such a tough time! Guilt and sadness I felt and still, and will feel for the rest of my life is overwhelming at times.. I do feel that I have to live with that as kind of my punishment for what I did... I am now reaching out to the internet to help me deal with my grief, and to hear other people stories is some what comforting to me...

Sadness...

I can relate to your story in many ways. I am 19 years old and going to school. I was terrified when I found out I was pregnant with my partner of 6 months. I never thought I would get an abortion I have always wanted a baby, but with my financial situation and afraid of disappointing my family I felt I had no choice. My partner said he was supportive of any decision I made but I knew he would rather I aborted. I kept this a secret from my family and it's been so hard for me. My friends are supportive as well, but I feel like no one really understands what I'm going through. I'm so sad all of the time and I have no motivation to do anything. It kills me inside thinking about what I've done and I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself.

My situation is the same as yours. My parents have no idea. On September 8th at 130pm, i went to the clinic in Ottawa. I was terrifed. My boyfriends friend had told us that obortion was an option. I didnt even think about the consequences, i only thought of how a baby would ruin my life, and my boyfriends life. I went to the clinic, saw a theripists then went to say goodbye to my boyfriend, and his friend who had came with us. I walked back to where they were sitting, and instead there was a big man with his wife. I asked the recepstinists where they had went, and she said they went out for a smoke. That was honestly the worst moment of my life. I felt my heart drop, and tears come to my eyes. But i still went through with it, sucked up my tears, and went to the operation room. I saw my ultra sound. I was 9weeks pregnant.
after the abortion i have dreams of a little girl, named Lilly. I cry everyday, especially this month. On the 27th of March, she would have been born.
Since that day in semptember ive cut myself, smilelied myself, carved things in to myself, and cried. MY boyfriend trys to understand, but he cant.
i know how you feel. Does your heart drop to when your parents say "just good thing your not pregnant like her" when they see a pregant teen on the street? Mine does. everything is a constant reminder, to the point, you just want to say f**k it, i killed my own kid, should i die to?
But then i think, i have my whole life ahead of me, a future where i can make up for my mistake by having a child, and keeping it, and giving it everything i can. you should think about that as well.
stay strong, because your not alone. Im fighting to stay alive as well.
By the way, im 16, turning 17 in April.

I never had my mums support when i got pregnant either i remember telling her if i could keep it, and she responded by saying " you're too young and having an abortion would be a good idea even thou I wouldn't do it myself." it was cold and hurtful until this day she doesnt know how much i resent her for that, because now Iam suffering over the loss of my child.

Its been 2months and a day but it has gotten better with time. I still get very emotional about the topic or any topic with babies. (going to a baby shower recently didnt help) but i have forgiven myself and just been praying about it and trying my best to stay away from sex. i think knowing it was two makes it a bit harder. but i am soo happy you reached out to me. it makes me know im not alone =)

I jus had an abortion this morning. I was only 6wks but this was definitely the hardest thing me and my boyfriend ever had to do. We tried to come up with other options that allowed us to keep it but due to our financial and living situation there was no other way. Not to offend anyone but i am completely against abortions and to do this make me question my whole life. After leaving the clinic we both cried for a while (me more than him, but he was and still is very supportive and comforting.) I prayed all the way home that God forgives me for what i have done and that he watches over the child that i feel i selfishly gave up. I know its only been a few hours but dont know if i can forgive myself, all i can do is pray that God forgives me and that he gives me the strength to move forward in life.

I am glad that you feel the same way I do, I cannot cope it has been 3 days and I cant look at myself in the mirror I can't touch my stomach that's where my child was, I miss the feeling of the baby in there even if it was sick, I love my baby and I'm not sure how long it's going to be until I'm going to take all my anger out on my family and my boyfriend who told me I wasn't allowed to have the baby. I packed my bags so many times determined to run away. I can't remember what bought me back. I sit alone not wanting to let go yet. I don't want to take my antibiotics I want to get ill to repay myself for what I did. I'll never forgive myself and I'll always love my unborn child. There is no one I can talk to because no one I know understands. I didn't make the choice I spent the last few weeks screaming at my boyfriend begging him too let me have it. It wasn't enough. I don't know what to do I left college to have the baby and I got more hours at work. For nothing. I honestly thought they would all come around and see my point of view I feel like a mother with no child. I cuddle a toy I was going to give the baby praying it will come back to me. I'm 18 and I'm afraid I'll forever stay this age..

about 5 months ago i had an aborition, im only fourteen. i didnt mean it to happen at all, i went to a party with my friends, and ended up sleeping with a boy. a couple of weeks later i was throwing up nearly every morning, i had no idea i was pregnant i ust though i was ill. Until my friend told me to get a pregancy test. When i found out it was postitve i paniced. i told two of my bestfriends, but i couldnt bring myself to tell my parents so i kept it quiet. until i was 11 weeks i had an abortion, i didnt want to but i knew i had to, i knew i couldnt of given my child the life it should have, im just too young. my parents found out a few days later by accident, i left my facebook on my laptop and i was talking to my friend about it. They werent angry at me they were just upset, they were dissapointed but there was nothing i could do, i made a mistake and i dealt with it, on my own. The grief is unbearlable, i beat myself over and over again about what i did. i re-live every moment in my head all the time. i ruined the one thing that was mine, and i will never forgive myslef. i wish i never had an abortion, i didnt know i would be this upset and depressed. I could of had the baby, i have loads of support from family and friends, i just didnt realise it before. Now loads of girls found out in school, they slag me off all the time, they call me names like 'dirt s***k, pretty little s***, slaggy, trash etc...' i find it hard to cope with the giref alone, but being called names infront of everyone at school doesnt make it any better. my family,friends and i know that im not a s***, it just happened and i didnt mean it to, aslong as they know that then i will be okay. I think about all the girls that go through what ive been through and it just makes me feel sick, i cant stand thinking of other girls going through it. im not coping well, and i dont know how your supposed to cope, please please help :-(