finding it hard to cope after an abortion

I had an abortion, and tomorrow (Valentines Day) it'll be a month. I'm a 16 year old, and I'm just finding it really hard to come to terms with what I've done. I feel so guilty, I mean, it was my baby, and I killed it. I didn't have enough options given to me, in my opinion, or enough support from my family, who threatened to throw me out if I had this baby. I'd have had nowhere to live, and I have no money at all. My boyfriend's been so supportive though, especially as he wanted to keep the baby, like me. I'd have been 15 weeks and 4 days :/

I had an abortion less than a month ago. I have been trying to cope but am having a difficult time. I already have one child
and my boyfriend of 12 years did not want another child. He said that another baby would put us in financial ruins. He refused
to take off of work so I was left to go by myself. I cried the whole way there. I could not raise another child by myself being that
my boyfriend and I were having problems and he was never home. So I made the decision to have an abortion. The BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE. I regret that day and will have to live with my decision for the rest of my life. I pray every night for God to forgive me and often wonder if I will see my child on judgement day. What will I say? My reasons for the abortion were selfish. Does the pain ever go away? I find myself depressed, often having suicidal thoughts. I find myself crying myself to sleep at night talking to the child that I murdered apologizing for my actions. Can anyone tell me what to do to make this pain go away?

Hi Guest,
I am deeply saddened to hear of your present situation. You and alot of other women have gone through this situation and is heart wrenching. Mentioning suicidal thoughts as you have, I would suggest going to see a counselor or if you have some staff at your church, I would go in and speak to them as well. Suicidal thoughts have been a common situation that I have seen in this situation. You mentioned God and judgement day. Well, from what I understand in His word, if you have asked Him for forgiveness, He has already forgiven you. It is the consequensences emotionally and physically that we have to bear, this is what some dont understand.
He knows you are in pain emotionally and physically. But you really should seek some counsel with suicide thoughts. There are also several post abortion recovery counseling facilities that offer free post abortion recovery counseling. Your feelings, as awful as they are, are feelings of a grieving mother with a loss of life. There is hope and healing.
I used to be a post abortion recovery facilitator. This is the first step of the process that you must go through for healing and restoration. I dont know if you are feeling that people will look down on you for your decision....you must not let that stop you from seeking help and healing. Please be sure that you dont isolate yourself...NO MATTER HOW BAD YOU FEEL. It sounds to me like you know the Lord, please dont feel hesitant to seek counsel also from fellow believers.
The common thread with the women I would counsel was their fear of judgement or treatment from other believers, that should not be. Jesus will heal you, but you must take the first step toward that process. I will be VERY happy to "listen", if you wish to PM me, or just send posts back and forth. I will do what I can to my best ability. You can pm me my screename @ yahoo.
Please dont seperate yourself from others or from help that you need. Try your best to keep forth with the things that you do. Your heavenly father knows what you are going through and wants to help.
Also, some day, when you have been restored and healed, you might possibly be able to minister to another soul in need.

Keep in touch,
Hugs and hugs,
Hizgrace

Thank you very much for your comforting words. Last week was my first counseling session. I will
attend weekly sessions in hopes of alleviating all of the pain and heartache that I feel. I pray everynight
for Jesus to help me through this difficult time in my life. I know there is light at the end of my tunnel, I am
just unable to see the light at this time. I want this feeling of hopelessness to subside. Hopefully I am on
the right road to rocovery and healing. Thanks again

Guest,
The ONLY right road to recovery and healing is through Jesus. He created you, you know. He knows you best, and will restore you and use you in ways you never imagined. Please allow yourself to grieve your loss. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel, and you will be just fine. It will most likely be a painful road, but you will be ok. Jesus will be with you ALWAYS just please be sure to hold on tight to Him, and trust Him.
With the girls I have seen that have gone through the post abortion recovery, they became stronger, their walk with the Lord became closer, and they were able to see things that they never thought possible. They also used their experience to give hope and counsel and help in the recovery of other young ladies ... and that is amazing.

Hugs,
If you need to vent, I'm here,
Hizgrace

i have never been through anything of that sort but i can only imagine how it feels to have an abortion. i just want to say to hold on and things will get better you know! pray about it even though u may feel it was a sin god does forgive and i would pray for peace and understanding. i dont think anyone should look down on you for you did what you felt was right and at the end of the day thats all that matters. so people bring children in the world for their own selfish reasons and cant provide for them or treat them badly and i believe if you know you cant provide and give this child the life they deserve do what you feel is best for you and that child. i applaud you for being so strong and unselfish and i truly believe as the days go by it will be easier to cope with you will never forget but it will be easier because with everyday god will make you strong. good luck and god bless

I'm a 21 year old, who's going for an abortion tomorrow.
I'm almost 18 weeks gone, have a bump, have cravings, felt it move, and know that its a female.
Due to financial reasons and the fact i'm at University is an extremely selfish way to think and decide that having this baby isn't right but it's true.
But to make myself feel better I like to think that she's going up to heaven because she got too excited to see me, and she just has to wait a little while. If I don't think like that, I'll end up seeing myself as a murderer.
Everyday since I've known and rubbed my bump and told it how sorry I was.
I have immense support from my partner who hasn't pushed me into anything, he's been there every step of this horrible journey, but I do think he doesn't understand the emotional turmoil i'm in. Maybe it's because I potentially could have been a mammy, but I really don't think he will ever know how much im hurting.
I just wished that my pill didn't fail me when it did.

I wish you all well and not to forget that what you did wasn't a bad thing, our babies in heaven will understand that they will have to just wait a little while.
x

In reply to this story by Deeply Hurt...

I went through the same thing two weeks ago and my story is very similar to yours. I wanted the baby so much but felt I had no choice but to have an abortion. I put other people's feelings before my own as I knew if my mum had of found out, my life would've been hell :-( I was 23 weeks gone when I had my abortion and it haunts me every day. I would give the world to take it all back and the fact that I can't destroys me to the point where I don't think life will ever be happy for me.

My partner was very supportive from the start but now it's all over, he seems to be relieved and doesn't realise how much suffering I am going through still. I just want my baby back inside me and give them the chance to live. I had a similar experience at the clinic etc. I put on a brave front but inside I was praying god for forgiveness. The minute I left the clinic I grieved for that child and cried like I have never shed tears before. It is two weeks since and I hate myself every day.

I only told my closest friends about this and feel very resented for going through with it. I am too scared to tell people what I have done as I am so ashamed. My baby was basically a proper little human, I was nearly 6 months into my pregnancy.

People need to understand that this is the hardest decision a woman will ever make in her life.

I hope our pain eases with time but we will never forget this. It helps to hear other people's stories x :'(

I had an abortion just about 9 months ago... my due date is next week.. and it's very difficult to forget through most of the posts i've read a lot of you were lucky to get sedated through this ordeal I was not... I felt the shot into my cervix the crank of the metal spectrum each jerk and suck of the vaccum... and then the products were left in the room with me for 5 mins before the doctor came and took them away i was sobbing on the table and not even offered a tissue for my tears the only form of medication i was offered was 4 advil and 2 antibiotics... then after the procedure was done i was left alone in a dark room for 15 mins it was awful I was in no means to take care of another child and the guy i was with really didn't deserve me and wasn't there for me while i went through it i think about it everyday and when I look at my daughter each day i thank god for her... but i will never forget 9/30/2009 the date of my procedure or 5/15/2010 the day i was due as a mother it was the hardest decision for me... ever and 3 weeks after my birthday no less... it was horrible not only that i was not allowed to see the ultrasound the doctor preformed before the baby was ripped out of me and for that i feel i have no closure i didn't get to say good bye truly

I just had an abortion 2 days ago. I went alone. I have been with my boyfriend for about 4 years now. I'm 18 and we have a 2 1/2 year old already. Due to our situation, students and living separately i knew we couldn't afford this child i was expecting to have. It has been really hard for him and I. My son keeps me preoccupied with all the running around he does but once he goes to sleep I find myself feeling guilty for what i have done. I feel as if i am a murderer. We both wanted it. We were so excited but when we looked our our financials and the prospects of moving out and that whole thing we noticed there was no way we could succeed. My mom has helped me out enough already. She already wants me to move on with my life. I've been keeping a journal about how i'm doing. No one know what happened. When i walked into the doctors office all these girls had there boyfriends with them and i thought about how hard it would of been if mine was there. I didn't cry once when i was in there. I only started my grieving when i got how from the operation. I've decided to name the baby "May" i am also thinking about getting the name tattooed on me in a private spot no one will see. my boyfriend has now added that "May" and the date to that tattoo he already had with our son. His grieving is pretty much done. I just painful memories and noises. I am truly sorry for what i did but i had tried everything to keep you baby may. i love you and already miss you. i think maybe i should go see a counsellor. Talking to my boyfriend about it makes me feel like he doesn't get what i am going through.

hi, i know exactly how ur feeling. i had an abortion on tuesday and all i've done since coming home on wednesday is cry my eyes out. i have a 3year old daughter and if it wernt for her i wouldnt be here. i feel so ashamed and angry at myself. i was 17wks 4 days wen i had myn done and it was horrible. i had to give birth to it just like i'd done with my daughter only knowing i was never goin to see this baby or hold it. i deply regret it and thnk it was wrong although before it was right. i sat on my kitchen floor yesterday and sobbed for an hour and a half while my daughter played in next room. i feel as though i am th worst person in th world and cnt see how i can get over this. x

having an abortion is one of the most worst emotional things i have been through,i am 29 years old and already have a lovely little boy who is 4 i got pregnant by accident in february but didnt find out until the end of march i new the day i found out that my husband would not want us to have this baby i had mixed emotions.we are not in a very good financial situation at the moment which was one reason for our decision,the other being my partner feels he is to old to have another child.i had decided on a surgical abortion which i had to wait 2 weeks to have done which in that time i feel i became attached to the baby,i did not mention this 2 my husband.on the day of the abortion i so desperately wanted my husband to say lets walk out of this hospital and go home an have this baby but he never and i am ashamed to say i was to weak to go against him i was crying so much inside but couldnt show my real emotions to him.i had said i would never blame him for what has happened but i do secretly resent him,i love him but i just dont look at him in the same way anymore.i also feel like i have denied my little boy the chance to have had a sister or brother and it is something i will never tell my son for fear he will resent me,i could not cope with that.

To all my brave, darling kin out there,
We may not know each other in person but our stories and the emotions we feel are the same. I want to hug you all for being so brave and going through with your decisions, no matter what your cause. None of us could have possibly imagined just how much having an abortion would effect us. Every day I feel like a part of my soul died along with my baby that day, I will never be the same and I honestly believe I will never get over such a traumatic event.
My story starts off much the same as yours, I was 19 and in my first semester of university. I had been with my boyfriend for about 9 months by the time we found out I was pregnant. We have only ourselves to blame, we were careless with birth-control and became overly reliant on the withdrawal method if i was nearing half-way through my cycle. So honestly, it was only a matter of time before I became pregnant. Incidentally, my first experience with morning sickness came about 20 minutes after I put on my first trans-dermal nicotine patch; I went into the kitchen to cook some eggs for breakfast. It wasn't the smell so much that made me feel sick, all I knew was that I couldn't breathe that air anymore or I was going to throw up. I stumbled out of the kitchen and laid down on the couch, a few friends were over at this point and we all came to the conclusion that I must have been having an allergic reaction to the patch and so my boyfriend and I didn't think anything of it. The next week or so afterwards i had a persistent nauseous feeling, that to me felt a bit like motion sickness and was worse in the evenings than in the mornings. I just put it down to my body going through withdrawals from the cigarettes I was quitting cold turkey after my 'allergic reaction'. But after the sick feeling didn't go away and we noticed my period was late we got concerned. We knew I was pregnant, but neither of us would admit it. We booked an appointment at an after-hours GP and made sure to tell him every symptom other than those that could be related to pregnancy, the doctor still asked and I did a test. It was positive, my first reaction was immense joy, I smiled and had tears in my eyes. But between the doctor congratulating me and my partner and I walking back to the car, I already knew I was probably going to have an abortion.
My boyfriend was very supportive and cried with me as we discussed our options. Logically, we decided that having an abortion was the best thing to do, I was still in uni and we really couldn't afford to have a baby. He said he would support my decision either way, but he kept bringing up the idea of abortion. I told him one night that I was going to keep it, and he just broke down into tears, begging me to just give him more time to be able to provide for a family. So I caved. I chose my relationship over our baby.
I booked my appointment at the family planning clinic and went through 11 days and nights, knowing I was going to kill our baby. I was in the middle of final exams at this stage, I was an absolute mess. The night before the appointment i made one final emotional appeal to my partner, i put his hand onto my tummy and said that our baby is in there. He pulled his hand away so fast, it was like he had been electrocuted. I don't think my partner understands how much that moment hurt me, but along with many other memories about my abortion, this one will stay with me forever. When the day dawned, the sun was shining. mocking me. how could anyone be happy on a day like this? I went into the clinic and i filled out all the forms, calm on the outside, numb and hurting on the inside. I guess a small part of me still didn't believe this was happening. Eventually I was ushered into a small office for counselling. i spewed out every logical reason I had for aborting my baby, but nothing I can think of, no reason or excuse i can make up for ending MY baby's life will ever win over the pain I fell in the core of my soul. After this I was taken to another room, asked to empty my bladder and change into a hospital gown. I sat in a small, dim room for over an hour with several other girls of all different ages. we were all miserable and i had silent tears running down my cheeks. But across from me there was a girl much younger than me, obviously in much distress. All I wanted to do was hug her, we both needed the comfort. But I didn't. Some time later, my name was called and I followed a doctor to get an ultrasound. I didn't see my baby live, but i was shown a print-out of my womb which had a tiny little bean shaped picture of my baby on it which estimated the size and age of it. I was 8 weeks and 1 day LMP. I organised with that doctor a script for birthcontrol pills and a doctors certificate for 2 days off work. I also asked for a personal copy of the sonogram. As i was walked back from that room to the waiting room for the final procedure I had no idea how I was walking, all i wanted to do was call my boyfriend who was still in the foyer of the clinic. I couldn't do it. How was I going through with this? After what seemed an eternity I was called into the O.R. there was a single bed with stirrups in the middle of the room with a bright light shining over it. There were doctors and nurses all alng the edges of the room and I felt like a circus animal being walked into the ring and ordered to take off my underpants and place my feet in the stirrups. I had elected for general anesthesia and so when the nurse came over to give me the needle she asked me if this was what i really wanted? I nodded and she injected the sedative into me. I didn't flinch or make a noise, I felt like I had to show the nurses I was brave. The nurse told me to count back from 10 and that i wouldn't make it to 1. I was determined to stay awake, i counted to about 4 I think and my last conscious memory was that I don't want to do this anymore, someone please get my boyfriend. I said it in my head, I wonder if I had said it out loud if i would have been listened to. Obviously when you're sedated you have no awareness of being sedated, so when I became a little bit more conscious I just thought it was the sedative starting to kick in. the I became aware of voices calling my name. I had to wake up. I didn't understand, I hadn't been asleep. Then I opened my eyes and I was in a completely different room with curtains drawn around me. The way i felt as soon as I realised that the procedure was over and my baby was dead is absolutely indescribable, but I'm sure you all understand what I mean. Instantly I just felt so empty and knew that i'd made a horrible, horrible mistake. The dull ache in my uterus only served to compound the way I was feeling. I was then sat in a recliner lounge and given some soft drink and biscuits. The other women around me were so miserable. I was too, but it hadn't hit me fully yet. I'd become numb after the way I felt when i woke up. I sat there for 10 minutes before they took me back out to my partner in the foyer waiting room. The first thing he said to me was that I looked better than some of the other girls whod come through there today. I know he was just trying to be helpful and supportive, but a small part of me resents him fr saying that and i'm really not sure why. The full effects and consequences of what we'd done didn't hit me until a few days afterwards. My boyfriend was beautifully supportive and rocked me to sleep every night. I can't begin to tell you just how bad these last months have been. I don't talk to my partner about it very often as it's a painful topic for both of us. Some days I'm ok and can think of my baby and be sad, but still be ok. But when I have bad days, I have really bad days. I still have the sonogram of my son. I know he was a boy, for those of you who don't believe I never really used to. But my housemate went to a psychic, who told her to tell me the baby I aborted was a boy. I named him Caleb Andrew and I miss him every single day. It's coming up to the anniversary of his death in a couple of days and I'm really not coping very well. I want my son so badly. My boyfriends sister had her little boy in the last week and I find myself accidentaly thinking of him as Caleb. he's not my son and I feel terrible everytime I think that. I'm so worried I'll accidentally call him Caleb out loud. Noone knows about my abortion except my boyfriend and I. It took a long time for me to be happy that my soon to be sister in law was pregnant. I resented her so much for being able to tell people happily her and her husband are expecting their first child. How I wished that could have been us! Now all i have to remind me of my little boy is a positive pee-test, a sonogram of him which in my heart and soul is my only 'photograph' of my first child. I'm 20 now and still haven't convinced my heart I did the right thing. I killed my child and now I'm left with a broken heart, shattered soul and guilt and depression I can't deal with. Any children I have in the future may be my first born, but they will never be my first child. I'm so broken and so lost. Before my abortion I was pro-choice and i still am. but never again for me. I beg you, if you're thinking about abortion for whatever reasons, consider your other options. Your baby may not be alive in the sense we are, but he/she is still dying. And any other option for them is better than death. Inronically enough, I'm not religious but I have found some of my best on-line support from religious pages. Non-religious pages are very abrupt wiht their information and treat every situation life your child is just a ball of cells. They're more than that, they're a part of you that you can never ever get back no matter how hard you try.
My heart goes out to all of you and I hope that we can find peace and acceptance in our decisions in the future.

I love you Caleb. I think about you every day and you will ALWAYS be mummies little boy.
xoxoxo

i had an abortion 2 months ago and i have yet to be able to deal with it. the guy that i was pregnant to wanted me to get it done and then he convinced my mother. a month after i had it done he said to me i keep thinking about how i should be having a kid in november..... it felt like he ripped my heart out all over again. most of my friends have said to me to get over it... they have no idea the emotional pain i feel from this and im glad i found this site i have cried readingall of your posts but thank you

Hi Ashamed,
It is going to take some time to heal, there is a road that must be traveled down for the healing. The feelings you are having are just a natural part of your grieving process. When the life of a child is lost or gone, wether or not you have seen your child, you are still going to grieve, you must allow yourself that time of grieving and healing, and be sure to have yourself around supportive people, those who are not going to manipulate you to make themselves feel better.
I dont know how close these "friends" are to you. THey DO NOT sound like friends to me. You cannot just tell someone to "get over it" when somthing this traumatic occurs.
I had a miscarriage in November of last year, and on the day that my little boy was supposed to be born, I CRIED AND CRIED. I had a very unique experience of being able to hold him... he was 11 weeks gestation, FULLY formed and was just beautiful. The only thing I could do, was to stroke his tiny little fingers and toes, and stare in amazement at his blue eyes.
There are post abortion recovery programs available to you. Look them up under abortion alternatives in the yellow pages. It is a long process and a painful one, but you will come through. I used to be a facilitator.
Please be sure to get support from people who you consider close, who will just be there to listen to you grieve, hugs.

Hizgrace