finding it hard to cope after an abortion

I don't know where to start. I've been heartbroken for 4 years now. I was 18 years old when I found out I was pregnant and from the start, it was an unwanted pregnancy by everyone but myself. Despite my parents being religious they still found a way to advocate an abortion. But it was not just my parents, my past boyfriend's parents also refused to help me and my boyfriend refused to be apart of this child's life. No one supported me, no one listened to what I wanted, I was a pod carrying a disease to all of them.

I was forced to give up my child. My mother dragged me into the local planned parenthood 2 days after I found out and made me sit there while she filled out forms. I looked at all these women and young girls before me who were chatting as if it was an ordinary day. I was screaming, trying to get out. All I could do was pathetically give in to my mother. And in the end, she selected the abortion pill.

This is the most horrible, ungodly, deceptive form of abortion. You sit in agonizing pain bleeding for hours. And even though my boyfriend was present, he wasn't there emotionally. It was over after 8 hours, I could not stop crying, for days, weeks and into months. What made it even more horrible was my boyfriend's parents threatening to sue for psychological damage done to their son. And my boyfriend...dumped me 2 weeks after the abortion on my 19th birthday. He proceeded to attend a university in FL...essentially he skipped town. For an entire year I was alone, and now I don't remember that entire year of my life. People say I was so far gone and tried to commit suicide due to the guilt. My parents called me a s*** and w****, my brother followed in suit. To this day, I had to cut my parents out of my life entirely, I am still trying to repair my relationship with my brother.

Four years later, to this month in which the abortion occured, I am miserable. There hasn't been a day where I haven't thought about my baby which is now gone. I feel like I have been robbed, that the life I was meant to protect is where I have failed horribly. Seeing children makes me cry and feel like a horrible human being. It wasn't my choice, I try to tell myself that it wasn't my fault. Seeing my two friends get married and having their baby makes me wish I had the strength to make my own decision in the past and I cannot take it back. And that is what hurts the most.

Don't let anyone make this decision for you, because the guilt that comes afterward does not go away unless you let it go. Friends keep telling me that time heals all wounds, but this wound is the deepest I have ever felt.

I need help... Im 21 and I am engaged. I love my fiance so much but i got pregnant and now Im 5 weeks in. He wants an abortion and keeps sayin that he knows its not going to happen. I've read all your stories and am still crying now. I need help... I want to keep the baby but he said he knows this will tear us apart so in other words he would get distant from me and probably cheat and then probably break up with me. If i get an abortion he'd be happy. He keeps getting mad at me saying I would only get an abortion for him and he says thats a stupid reason. So i dont know if he wants the baby or not and now I have recently started bleeding and clots have come out as well. I have been bleeding for 2 days now. I would much rather miscarry than get an abortion but if im not miscarring then Im going to have to abort the baby. I dont want to and i know that should be my answer for me right there but I love him and want to be with him. he wants to have kids when we're married and in our own place not in his parents basement. what should I do? He keeps telling me its my decision because its my body.

Hi Newbie,
Sounds like quite the situation you are in. I'm sorry you have to go through it. I dont understand what the difference is with the baby or not. He either wants to to give you support to give the baby life, or he wants the baby to die. Wether or not you guys live with his parents for a short time or not, and then get your own place, does he not understand that he is HALF of the reason you are pregnant in the first place?
I will be honest, I dont think he truly understands the emotional TURMOIL you are about to face with an abortion, if he is going to be selfish right now, do you think he wont later on? Think about it.

Hizgrace %-)

Here I am again, cryin and cryin. I still cant beleive what I did. Reading the posts..I feel like I am reading my own situation. when I went to the clinic the first time, I ran out crying because I wasnt able to do it. When I got home I called the father and told him. All he could say was I knew you wouldnt be able to do it. Now you got me locked to you forever. I was so scared and lost, I didnt know what to do...so I went to the clinic again...and from the second I walked through the door until it was over with all I did was pray to God over and over again. The doctor told me I shouldnt do it, because it would haunt me all my life. But, it was my decision so he ended it. And he was so right. The first few weeks and months I was ok, considering what a terrible thing I had done. I had always been against abortions....until I had to walk on the other side. To this day, I dont know what made me do it, I really dont. When I am with my 3year old daughter, I feel ashamed and terrible. Knowing I knowingly took the life of her sister or brother. I would do anything just to go back and take my decision back. I want to blame my boyfriend, but truth is I am the only one to blame. If I would have kept the child he wouldve given the child the same beautiful love he gives our daughter. I feel like a terrible person, the more days past the worse I feel. I want the child back and I know it will never happen. I wish somebody would have locked me up, so that I wouldnt been able to do it.

Dear deeply hurt,i am so sorry for how you are feeling,i cried when i read about your experience, i know exactly how you feel because i had the same horrible experience 2 weeks ago. I am 21 and i live away from home in another country with my boyfriend,we have always practiced very safe sex and i was stunned when i discovered i was pregnant. I really didn't want to have an abortion but my boyfriend did,i have no way to support a baby right now and i don't want to have a baby that will grow up without a daddy,security and stability like i did so i knew i couldn't have the baby if i was alone,but my boyfriend is older than me and very financially secure and if we had had the baby together we would of been a comfortable family but he simply didn't want one because he feels he's not ready. He told me if i had the baby it would be over between us and he would support the baby but not me, that i would have to leave his apartment but the baby would stay with him and that if i tried to take it away from him that he would involve his family who are all lawyers,he drummed it into my head every day that an abortion is the thing that i must do, that many people do this every day and when i cried he told me to not exaggerate,he seemed so cold and detached and just didn't understand at all how i felt,i have never felt so alone in my life,i couldn't(and can't now)speak to anyone about this not even my mum or my best friend back home because i am so ashamed and i know only my boyfriend here. I cried every day before the abortion and had suicidal thoughts i am still completely depressed and have vomited countless times with sheer anxiety.I had no counseling at all and because of the language barrier i had no control of seeing,speaking and asking questions to the doctors,i was just ushered in to different rooms to whilst my boyfriend spoke to them. On the day of my procedure they put something inside my vagina to open the cervix because i am young,this horrible thing made me bleed strongly for 5 hours before the actually abortion and the worst thing is that there was a girl,in the room with me who was screaming,vomiting and writhing in agony on the bed next to me,she was also waiting for an abortion and the docs had given her something that caused the awful pain(but obviously i didn't ask her what it was) she was scheduled to have hers around the same time as mine so i had to witness her distress for the whole 5 hours. I had the anestetic so i don't remember any of the operation but i do know that my last thought was that i don't want to kill my baby,and when i woke up,i felt such loss that i can't describe,my boyfriend was sympathetic but seemed also a little happy,relived, seems he's completely forgotten everything like it never happened and now his sister is due to give birth and i have to hear all about it all the time, he has no idea how i feel and more than anything i resent him because although ultimately i made the final decision i was pushed into a corner,i felt i had no choice,but i'm paying for it with guilt. Have since read and seen alot of graphic detailed info about the abortion process and i feel sickened by it. 2 weeks later and i'm still bleeding and i have an infection in my vagina. Anyone who is considering an abortion,think very very carefully,you have to live with your decision for the rest of your life.

I am gald to have found this forum. I am married with two children. My husband and I found out in May that we where expecting again. This was a total surprise as I was on the pill and NEVER, EVER missed one. After getting over the intial shock of the unexpected pregnancy we decided that we could do three kids. It would be hard but we could manage. At my first U/S at 7wks, the tech told me the next shock of my life. It was Twins!! I was in shock the whole way home and didn't know how to tell my husband. He must of read it on my face because the first words out of his mouth where "it's Twins, isn't it?". For several days we didn't talk about it. Then he came to me and said, I just don't think we can do 4 kids. In everything that goes with raising a child, we knew in our hearts that 4 was just not possible. The day we arrived at the clinic I cried and told him I just wanted to get it over with. We entered the clinic and I immeaditly felt like I was at some poor clinic or meat factory. It was like a revolving door with no emotion. Everyone secretly juding you for what you where about to do even though they where there for the same thing. As we filled out the paper work my huband asked me if I was sure. I looked at him and said "if you can honestly tell me that we will be ok with 4 then I will walk out those doors." Of course he couldn't so we sat and waited. When I got my U/S I asked the tech if both babies where still alive. She hesitated to say anthing and told me she didn't see anything wrong. I don't know why I asked becuase now I had the guilt of knowing that nothing was wrong with my babies I was about to remove from my body. I was ok when I went to change but as I walked into the OR room I began sobbing. Just the look of the room seemed cruel, just like what was about to happen to me. I laid on the table and began sobbing uncontrolably. The nurse kept telling me it was ok and I would be asleep soon but that didn't bring me much comfort. As I stared at the sterile ceiling, the guilt sank in. When I woke up I was numb to the whole thing but still crying. The last few days have been the hardest. With every cramp and sight of blood to constently reminds me that my babies are gone. My husband and I are finding comfort in each other. As much as we know it was the best for our family we still feel sooooo guilty and regret that we couldn't keep them. Having this surprise pregnancy and having to go through the heartache of terminating it has made both of realize how much we want another baby. I guess if any good can come from something so wrong it is that we know now that our family is not complete. Thank you all for listening and allowing me to vent. BTW, our family had know idea we where pregnant or what we did.

hi i am 15 and i had an abortion a month ago now, and it is my biggest ever regret. i have never agreede with abortions but i also agree that if the women is in a relationship then its not just up to her its both the mother and fathers disstion, well when i found out i was pregant i didnt no how to feel. i was living at home with my mum and dad and 5sister and 2brothers, and i was still at school. when i told my best friend she didnt no wot to say, she was speechless. but i keept it quite for a few days didnt tell anyone only me and my best mate knew. it started getting hreder at school, as i had other things on my mind. in the end i had the balls to tell the dad, who i was and am in a relationship with, he seemed quite dissapointed which made me feel like c**p! but he sed he wud stick by me np matter what. at that point i made my dissition i was gunner keep it. at this point i was 8weeks pregant and i told my mum and dad they didnt seem to take it aswell. they cried alot, i also told them i was gunner keep it they cried even more told me i was goin to wreack my life and i was only young why wud i did this to my self? but it reali wasnt my fault it was an accident. i was certian that i was keeping it. no one was going to take my baby away from me, well thats wot i thought. ...
then the dad of my baby rang me up one night, like he usally dose every night to see how i am and say gd night. but this time he had other things on his mind. he rang me up to say he changed his mind and he dosnt want it any more, i was heart broken i new i couldnt raise it on my own and he was my only hope of keeping it. but he turned against me... after getting my hopes up and drilling it in my head that we where going to have a baby, after all the morning sickness i was having at the time it seemed like he didnt care and just wanted it gone as soon as possible. obviously that not how he saw it.
at this point i felt like c**p i cried my self to sleep everynight cos i wanted to keep my baby but no matter what i did or sed i could change anyones mind that it was the best thing for me. so i gave in... i gave in to my mum and dad and the father/my bf...
it felt like they won and i did it i went all the way to birminham to have the abortion the 3hour ride there was hell but back was even worse i felt like i had murdered my chlid...
i didnt see my boyfriend for along time after that, i couldnt face anyone. i even went to tesco and broke down and had a pannic attack in the middle of the store beacuse all i saw was babys and they mums and how happy they all looked. and i knew that i can never have that child back again. i killed it.
i didnt go out the house for along time i stayed in the house for weeks, then my boyfriend came round, as soon as i saw him i rapped my arms around him so tight i didnt ever want to let go i cried he cried.. ....

i still have problem now i just brake down sumtimes and cry i still feel guilty and like i have not only let my self down i have also let my baby down, i still even now find it hard to watch pepole with they babys and children. . .
my boyfriend still dosent no what i went through and am still going through... no one does and no one will...

if you are looking for advice on weather to get ride or keep... i cant give it to you, this has to be ur dissition no one eles beasuse you will regret it ever so much if all you do is listen to other people, you need to make this dissition your self, no one said its going to be easy either way but it never is.
all i no is if i could turn back time i would and i would keep it then i would have my baby in my arms now, but thats never gunner happen.... gd luck what ever ur disstion.

I truly understand what you’re going through I too had an abortion over a year ago I was going to school I was with my boyfriend for about eight years all I could think about was my education and what everyone else was going to think of me another young woman having a baby of wed lock that was stupid of me my boyfriend wanted me to keep the baby I went behind his back and decided to have an abortion any ways I hurt him so bad and I hurt myself too I want to the clinic very calm was not emotional at all went through the counseling there and everything you were right it doesn't hit you until the next day when you realize what you have done to your baby I loved and wanted this baby so much I just can’t believe what I have done I felt like I was insane how could I want something so bad and ruin without even thinking about it life has been really hard dealing with my decision was not been easy but it was gotten easier but this is something I will never forget and I just ask God to forgive me and one day give me another chance to be able to have a baby.

You might be ashamed but it helped my boyfriend and i. we went to couples councelling cause right after i did it i shut him out of my life for a good 4 motnsh cause i couldnt stand looking at him knowing his the reason i ahd to make the decision. But councelling helped i found out what his going through and vice versa! forums like this help but your the only one getting th support and help not your husband and its a team effort it took me a long time to realize it.

I know exactly how you feel. I am 19 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 5 1/2 years. We decided to move out of state where we were both born and raised to his mom's house down south so we can eventually take over his deceased grandfather's home. Well, normally I am on birth control but my insurance was being reevaluated because I had just turned 19 and as of right then I couldn't get my birth control. So we tried to take other precautions knowing that nothing was 100%. Well all everyone kept telling us before our move is how we better not get pregnant (well me) and we were like hell no we have goals we need to achieve. Little did we know that whole month before we left I was already pregnant. My period was due the week we got down here and when it didn't come we tried to right it off as late. But eventually after about a week or so we realized i was obviously pregnant. We were so upset and confused. I wanted to keep the baby I truly did but here we are in a new state about to start classes in the fall, living in his mother's house, and still looking for jobs in this recession. Also he knew if we told his mom I was pregnant and keeping it she would tell me to go back to my mom's and he would have to stay here for lack of a place to live in our old state (since his mom now lived here). Which would only divide us and not only destroy our relationship but make it almost impossible for him to be active in his child's life like he would want (trying not to be like his father). So We decided to get the abortion borrowing the money from a really close mutual friend. Only to find out his mom was on vacation the week we were going to the clinic. So now he tells me oh I have ot push it back (I was already 7 weeks and not wanting to do this) and also a diabetic. I was upset that he would make me wait another week which was very crucial bcuz it puts me at more risk. So the tension grew between us. His mom started noticing and the more she noticed the angrier he got and the more pissed off I got. Eventually I got so mad I just came clean to his mother. Him not wanting her to know prevented me from telling my own mother and was eating me alive not having anyone to speak to. From there it only got worse. His mother said it was our decision but I knew better all she wanted was for me to hit that clinic up immediately and for us to go on as if it never happened. I didn't want that and expressed that to my mother and she told me that I should do what I want and she will support me. She said I can come home with or with out a baby. Having me at 16 made her more understanding. So I had my heart set on having it but my boyfriend and his mom were giving me so much grief. When I announced I came to the decision to keep it everyone (my boyfriend and his mom) acted as if someone died. She immediately got angry and said "well it's done I will call your mom so u can go home and we will deal with it like that". It was like once I said that all he wanted was me as far away from her son as possible. I had an appointment for that saturday which in my mind I wasn't going to keep but as the days closed in on saturday things got worse and worse in the house. My boyfriend said he was going to be there anyway even though he didn't want the kid and we would still be together but he doesn't know how he would feel about me. From there my heart broke more and more everyday. All i could think of was me pregnant 1000s of miles away and him angry with me and really not wanting our child. I knew the future would only hold cheating, anger, unhappiness, stress, financial struggles, and a poor innocent baby stuck in the middle. i didn't want that. So I started considering the abortion. The night before my boyfriend left at 7pm, said he was going to the store and didn't come back until 2am. Ignored my calls and texts and then said he was hanging with his friends. I was so angry and knew he only did it bcuz we had a discussion about the baby before he left for the store. I was so hurt and stayed up crying until 5am when we were suppose to leave for the clinic. I woke him and said let's go. the whole time I had so many doubts and in my heart of hearts wanted to keep the baby. My boyfriend was cold and distant all i wanted was for him to comfort me and say he understands my pain but all he did was distance himself more and made me feel more alone. So I went in for each part of the procedure...the hardest being the sonogram. I couldn't resist looking and my heart melted when I saw that the was an actual life inside of me. It hurt so bad...but I went through with the procedure anyway....afterwards I tried to act normal but inside i wanted to just hurt my boyfriend and his mother the way the hurt me. It's now about 2 weeks later and I'm still feeling the same way. I tried talking to my boyfriend but he doesn't care he just gives me dry mean cold answers and gets an attitude and storms off. I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life for him and he can't even support/comfort me.

I know how you feel. I can relate to it as I went through the exact same thing in July this year. I found out I was pregnant a day before my 18th birthday and it ruined everything. I knew deep down there was no way I could have a baby as I'm still growing up myself and wouldn't be able to support it financially, plus me and my boyfriend would not cope with the added strain of a baby. But then I hate myself for being so selfish and only thinking of myself, I will never forget waking up from the operation and just crying and crying and feeling awful. I felt awful for ages, then tried to block it out of my head. I still think of it so much. I cry about it to myself knowing I killed something I made and something that was innocent and didn't have a say in what happened to it.

I got an abortion about a year and a half ago, june 08. recently its been creeping up on me because i think about how i could of managed, but in reality, im happy with my life now. i believe i made the right decision and i cant dwell on it forever. everything happens for a reason. i need to stay strong and continue on with my life. i asked God for forgiveness. i sometimes wonder what life would of been, and wish i could go back in time, but im at my second year of college, my boyfriend of 5 years is in the military and is doing well. at the time, i was 17 going on 18, i didnt have a decent job, my boyfriend was unemployed. the main point i got it was because i was scared of struggling. scared of having to put everything on hold because of a mistake i made. i should of been responsible for my mistakes, but things happen for a reason, i cant take it back now. my boyfriend begged and begged for me to not get it, and i was soo sure of it at the moment, but never thought about the future. i get those times where i break down and cry at times and everytime i see a baby i think about what my life could of been. but honestly, i dont think i would of finished school, i probably would of gone to a community college and struggled with getting someone to babysit as well as finding a job. i would of been overwhelmed and it wasnt a place to bring a baby into. we made a mistake and i did what i felt was necessary. 2 years later, were talking about another one, but i feel like i only want one now to fill the void and thats not a good reason to have one now. i love my boyfriend and hes been my support system and i thank him and thank God for him all the time. hes anti-abortions and cried when i was in the clinic and i know ive hurt him so bad, and i just want to make up for him. im glad i have this blog to write my feelings because i dont know who else to talk too because no one truly understands. i didnt want to be another pregnant teenager of my graduating class. i was scared of being judged, but now i could careless what people feel and i know today that i did make the right decision and that everything will be ok if i dont dwell on it. i just need to pray

I had an abortion 8 years ago. I got pregnant at 19. My first instinct was to have the baby and take care of my responcibility eventhough at the time I only had a part time job and was going to college fulltime. Abortion was out of the question. When I told my boyfriend who I had dated for about 2 years at the time, he wanted me to get an abortion and so did his family. I told him that I wasn't going to do that and I was going to have the baby with or without him. Needless to say I couldn't do it. I was so emotionally stressed out because I had no one there for me but my sister. I couldn't tell my parents because my father was very strict and I know that he would have kicked me out and without the support of my boyfriend I didn't know what to do. So I decided to do it. I knew when I called the clinic to make that appointment I was making the wrong decision. I didn't want to do it but I was just not strong enough to do it on my own. My boyfriend didn't even go with me, he was in Canada partying with his friends and told me good luck like I was about to go run a marathon. I will never forgive him for not being there for me. Anyways, I was depressed for a long time after that. I remember laying in my bed the day after just crying and wishing that I didn't do it. I just wanted my baby back. To this day I still struggle with it. I cry about it, I think about it everyday, and I regret it. I feel like God is going to punish me and I will never have a second chance. I feel like I don't even deserve a second chance. I feel like a horrible person. I wonder everyday who that little baby would be today. I just feel so hopeless and I don't know how to forgive myself. Just reading these posts does make feel a little better to know that I am not the only one who feels this way. Sometimes I have flashbacks of that day. It is forever stained in my head. I just don't know what to do because I can not punish myself for the rest of my life. I just don't know how to be ok with what I did because all I want is to take back that day and do it all over again and be a mother to my child. I am hurting so bad.

i'm 16 now, but i was 15 when i found out i was pregnant. I'd only been with my boyfriend 6 months on and off, but almost felt pressured into sex as almost all of my friends had been having it since 14. I wanted to try it out as i felt that i was ready and really felt that i loved my boyfriend. Unfortunately the day i lost my virginity was also the day i got pregnant, the condom had broke during sex and we hadn't realised until afterwards. I confided in my best friends mum, who took me to get a morning after pill. After that i thought it was over and ignored that i had missed my period the month after that due to the pill messing up the cycle. However that wasn't what happened. Another month passed and my next period never came, i was extremely frightened and confused as to why. During this time, my dad was extremely ill with cancer.. two weeks after he died and i was heartbroken and devastated. After the funeral i knew it was time to make a decision and decided that keeping the baby was not the right answer. I told my bestfriend that my periods still hadnt came, and took a pregnancy test which was positive.. A week after that i found myself in a clinic waiting for my surgical abortion - i'd planned not to tell my mum, she was also grieving for my dad and i knew that she wouldn't be able to cope with the news. The day before my abortion was due, we had a row and it slipped out. she was soo shocked and i thought from then on she'd hate me. Ever since i got rid of my baby i've thought 'what if' and that around this time he or she would have been born.

It was one of the most devastating times of my life, to lose my dear dad and kill a part of me all in one month.
I wanted to right this for any girls of my age that may read this, i just want to tell you to really think about your decision. I made mine based on what i though other people would think of me afterwards, if i'd kept the baby. But now i realise that that doesn't matter. I've lost something that i can never get back and gained a memory that i will never forget.

remember to be strong and you can get through anything x

Hi Guest,
How are you doing? There are centers (I am assuming you are in England), whom can help you with post abortion recovery counseling. Look under crisis pregnancy centers. I also helped to counsel (lay counselor) before I moved back here to California). I would love to help if I can in any way. Let me know. I know that I felt SOOOO much grief (I still do), and I find myself crying at the oddest times and wondering the what ifs also. I had a miscarriage in November, I was actually able to hold my baby in the hospital. Please dont hesitate to ask for help. Your grieving is a natural process, but we still need help. Blessings and hugs to you.

Hizgrace