finding it hard to cope after an abortion

My story is much like others, I'm 18 years old and had an abortion 6 days ago. It was the biggest mistake of my life. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6months when I found out I was pregant. He didn't want me to keep it, he said we weren't ready. So I let him talk me into destroying my baby. Over the next 2 weeks before my appointment I begged and pleaded with him to change his mind hoping he would give our baby the chance to live. I told him that I didn't want to do it and all he would say was don't let me down. He broke my heart...or I thought he did until the day I went to have it done. I got there early my two close friends took me, my boyfriend was unavailable. The moment my name was called for the exam I knew this was going to destroy me. The lady did the ultrasound and asked if there was anything I wanted to know, I told her I wanted to know how old my baby was...she/he was 8weeks. My heart shattered. After that I was pulled into a changing room to get ready for the procedure. In the room was a journal on the table filled with I'm sorry stories. I filled a page with my apology telling my baby I'm so sorry to have to do this to her/him. Finally I was taken to the procedure room where they sedated me...I wasn't fully out of it...I felt my baby being taken from me...and as tears rolled down my cheeks I opened my eyes and looked at the ceiling to see little butterflies. The last thing I felt was my heart shatter. This will forever haunt me. And as each day goes by I want my baby back more and more...and one day we will be together again. I'm so sorry my baby, forgive me.

I've had four. The first three were a bit tough but given that I was abused into them, less heartache was felt overall.. I knew there was no chance. The last was crushing because I so desperately wanted that pregnancy and was led to believe it had no chance of going to viability so terminating was the "kinder" emotional choice rather than waiting for a stillbirth due to pre-term labor.

That one still breaks my heart because I learned it wasn't necessary. THAT one I still cry over every day five weeks later. To make the choice myself, it wouldn't have hurt. But to be lied to and manipulated into it and find out it wasn't required..

The other three..they would have resulted in children being in a home where they were abused and I couldn't do that, nor would I be strong enough to give birth and hand a child over to someone else so it was a better option and thus didn't hurt as much

Thank you for posting your stories, I really needed to hear that someone else had experienced the same pain that I have. I'm thirty years old, I've been married for ten years, have a great husband and two healthy, happy, wonderful little boys. My oldest son was five when we decided that if we were going to have any more kids that we should do it before he was to get much older. So we planned our second pregnancy, just like the first, and we had my second son who was equally as wonderful. I was in my last year of college, for a job that I have always dreamed of, and I planned a year off college. My second baby was much more demanding than my first, with chronic ear and staff infections he was collicy and clingy and even though it was something minor, I really stressed out about his health and how to keep him happy and couldn't wait for him to get bigger! So three weeks before his first birthday, I found out I was pregnant. I was horrified. The thought of having another baby to worry so much about, giving up school- when I couldn't wait to go back, and the idea that it wasn't in our family plan was enough to cloud any other rational thoughts. I didn't feel anything but panic and anger that I could let this happen, I've always been so responsible- so before my husband could say anything other than "I can't believe this" I said "I'm getting an abortion, I'm not having any more kids." My response still baffles me, because the first two times I felt an instant connection, like I was destined to be a mother, and complete excitement, but this time I couldn't even comprehend having another baby so soon, and when I have so much to do. Completely selfish, and when I went in for the pre-abortion meeting - a law where I live - I left crying after the blood test- before anything else was even done- telling myself and my husband that we could do it. But that night when I got home I really felt I couldn't- and rescheduled my visit- with my husband supporting me the entire time. I went back with a brave face, just focusing on the fact that I couldn't do it-but deep inside I kept telling myself I could run in the next minute- but I didn't . I stayed- it was horribly painful and even up to the very last minute I wanted to say never mind - I had changed my mind - but I didn't. When everything was over I came home and cried like never before in my life, and couldn't believe what I had done. I kept thinking that it would get easier, but it hasn't. I have so much regret when I hold my two boys, and marvel at their resemblence to me or my husband or when they are so hysterical or wonderful and I couldn't imagine life without them. I can't get over how I'll never know this other person that could have been, and I can't forgive myself for not loving them like I should have. - That's the honest, deep truth, that I need to tell but haven't told a soul. When I went to the clinic there are all these facts of how women know it is the right thing to do, and how one in three women have had an abortion, but I will never see them or even know- and when I think about the women I know- I can't even imagine ever telling them what I have done because I know they would never understand, so it's a very lonely place to be. No matter how much I want to think it was just a mass of cells or that I can have more children someday- it is so incredibly shameful and painful that I'm capable of such a selfish act and reading these other posts has at least helped me not feel so alone.

my god what have i done i did not want this i got pushed into this

I aborted my child knowing that it would hurt, but not knowing how badly. I was 8 weeks and 6 days pregnant, and the ultrasound technician told me my child had been conceived february 13th, the night before Valentine's day. Waiting at the clinic was excrutiating, and time consuming, and I just waited the entire day holding my (now ex) boyfriend's hand. When the operation was over, they put me in a chair opposite a girl who erupted vomit all over herself, and I found myself crying uncontrollably. On the way out I could barely open my eyes to see the protestors outside of the clinic, and I just laid in bed for the next two days. I still miss my child, every day. Every second, to be accurate. I wish I was still a mommy, I wish I was expecting all of the joy and struggle that a child brings into your life. I can't say with any certainty if what i did was wrong or right, but I both regret and believe in my decision.

I had an abortion when I was 16, it was the first thing that popped into my mind when I saw the test was positive; never even thought twice. My boyfriend at the time said he supported whatever decision I made. I didn't tell my mom about it untill the day of my appointment. When she find out she just cried and said "How could you do this to me." I was incredibly hurt by the fact that she couldn't put her own opinions aside and be there for me.
After I had it done I thought that I would be fine, it would be like nothing ever happened. I was wrong. If I thought about it I would cry, babies on t.v would make me cry, even diaper commercials.
My ex-boyfriend and I were already having horrible problems and then he would throw the fact I had an abortion in my face to hurt me when we would get into fights. We eventually broke up for many different reasons.

Now I am 19, my family acts like nothing ever happened so I can't talk to them about it, my current boyfriend (who is amazing) I try to talk to about it every once in a while but I know it's weird for him to talk about, and my ex and his girlfriend just had a daughter.
I still get upset but now I know that it was the best thing for me and that me or my ex were in no position to be parents.
But after seeing pictures of my ex with his baby it brought up a flood of emotion I wasn't expecting, and made me realize that maybe though I've realized it was the best decision for me at the time, that I've never been able to talk about it and now might be time to try and let some stuff off my chest. Thanks to anyone who reads this and anyone who could possibly give me some advice on how to talk to loved ones about how I'm feeling.

I was 5 months pregnant and was 15 years old when i had mine and completely did not want to do it. my mum convinced me i was doing the right thing for the child but she constantly reminds me of what i did and it makes me feel sick. I dont know if she knows how much it hurts but it feels like i cant do anything wrong or say anything because she can snap back at me and bring it up. Im too scared to go and see a counciler and it upsets my boyfriend when i talk about it... so i dont know what else i can do apart from sit and cry about it. The biggest mistake of my life.

i doubt anyone even reads this thread anymore... since the last positing i believe was in 08' but here it is 2010... i just had my abortion yesterday and i also had the IV sadation, so i really dont remember much of the actual surgery itself... which for me is a good thing. however, i think that i have been feeling worse and worse as the hours go on. one of the hardest things about making this decision for me is that i am a rape victum and there was a HUGE possibility that this baby could have been from the rapist and not my boyfriend. I am 19 and so is my bf, and we are both living together out on our own. money is tight and i know that i made the right decision, but i am afraid of the date (JUNE 9th) bacause that was my due date for this baby. I dont know how i am going to be able to cope with this. my bf unfortunatly is no help in this matter. i know that he does care, but sometimes i just need him here with me to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. and sometimes, he does do that. and he does it VERY WELL!!!... but recently he is not doing so much of that.. but more so "i need to talk about it too" i mean, yes, i can understand that too, but after all... he is not the one that had to sit on that damn table and let an unknown doctor violate his privates and takikng a little vacume like tube and sucking out what could have been our child. my child. an innocent life that has a heart beat and could have had a wonderfull life. if not with me, with some other family that could raise my baby. but no. unfortunatly i had to give ths option up. and to be honist, i dont know if i will ever alow myself to become pregnant again. i am so completly terrified of ever becoming pregnant again.
again, i know that i did the right thing, but i am so terribly upset and dpressed... andi hate myself for taking a life that did not need to be taken. i would give anything to take that moment back. when they asked "are you sure you want to do this" and my reply was "yes. i am sure" the honist truth is NO... I AM NOT SURE!! I WANT THIS BABY!! i want to take everything back . to turn the clocks of time and to raise my baby. my sweet little boy or little girl.
dear baby,
i am so sorry that we were never able to meet. i would love to sit in my chair and hold you like you deserve. from the moment that the doctor showed me your heart bet on the screne, i knew that i wanted to keep you, but your daddy and me, we had no money. your life would be miserable and i would be afraid that we would not be able to get food for you. sweet baby. i am so sorry. but please remember that i love you. and i am so sorry i would give anything to take that moment back. please baby. i love you. god bless your sweet sole. i love you.

i am 19 years old i have been with my boyfriend for a year and 3 months. i found out i was pregnant october 8, 2010. It was the friday before my birthday. me and my boyfriend immediatly said we were keeping it and knew we had to tell our parents soon because i found out i was already 6 weeks pregnant. so on monday october 11, 2010 my birthday we broke the news to both our parents. our parents wanted to get an abortion we kept saying how much we wanted to keep it. basically long story short they were not letting us have it they said its just not what you need right now. so on october 22, 2010 we had to say goodbye to our baby. my boyfriend and i have no idea how to cope with our loss we cant come to term with it and all we want is for our baby to be back. because of our feelings towards the situation we have got in big fights with our parents we dont know how to handle it. if anyone has any advice please help

Hi! I Understand what everyone of you have went through. I had an abortion 7 years ago in Feb. I wanted to keep my child but my boyfriend at the time said no, due to lack of money. I have found God since then. I watched a really good movie the other night called....Sarah's Choice! In the movie her friend had a abortion, yet at the same time Sarah was Pregnant. A very good technique in the movie to heal oneself, and recovery is; Take a balloon, name your baby, then write a letter to your baby and send the balloon up to heaven.

P.S.....Remember God does love us! I hope this helps some young lady, or ladies find peace in their minds, as well, as their hearts! :-)

God Loves You :-)

I turned 16 in december and I had my abortion in august and my baby would have been due this week, still to this day i can not believe that i went through with it to keep peace in my family and not because of my own feelings :-( . I feel physically disguted by my self alot of the time and the guilt is unbelievable. My boyfriend of 14 months wanted the baby as he is slightly older and thought he was ready, this makes me feel like i cant talk to him about my feelings because im scared of upsetting him.

I still remember the day like it was yesterday and am petrified that i will never forget the image of the theatre, my heart was pounding and even shocked the doctors and nurses, i was so nervous and my mum was no where to be seen. I had been given morphine to make me sleep and she had gone back to where we had to stay and didnt return untill i was out of theatre. I remember waking up and immediately regretting what i had done, screaming to the nurse that i wanted it back, the thruth was ... it was still in me, just with no heartbeat. I lay in bed that night with a little baby inside me that had done nothing to deserve what i did and i couldnt stop crying. I havent really stopped crying since, most nights i lay in bed and cry myself to sleep :'( .

My boyfriend went away yesterday, the time when i most need him i can't talk to him and its killing me slowly. I can't talk to my mum i feel she is disappointed in me. I talk to a friend and she cant understand the guilt, 'unless you've been through an experience like this you never will' is all i can say. It's not just like a normal loss of a family member... It's much worse. At least when there is a normal death there's no regret, no guilt, no feeling it was all your fault and mainly there are people there to support you goint through the same thing.

I guess why this site is so important to many people, they can talk to other people who know exactly what they are going through. I will be visiting a counciler the first week back at school and hopefully this will help, being able to be open without judjement or disappointment.

I am 20 years old and I am going in for my abortion on this Tuesday. I am f*****g terrified. I have been with my boyfriend back together for a year now, but we've been off and on for 7 years, mainly on. We just found out on Sunday that I was pregnant, and it is the FIRST time I have EVER been pregnant. I have always dreamt of being a mother, and having a family but I know I can't support it, and neither can he.. It is the scariest and hardest decision I have EVER had to make in my entire life. Im already really heartbroken over it because I know I don't really have any other option that is going to work, but since I took that test and found out I am pregnant, it's been hard not to kind of attach. I think about it all the time, and I have been crying off and on since I found out.. Any advice for how to handle what Im about to go through? Im already torn up and I don't know how Im going to handle it after all this is said and done, I have a bad history of depression, so Im not sure how to go through with this.. :'(

I am terribly sorry for what you have to go through. i have my story posted somewhere above yours, and i am still dealing with the after effects from my abortion. that was the first time i was ever pregnant and i was in a similar situation as you. financially, i was no where near ready to raise a child and i found it difficult to even walk by the children sections at the grocery store... as a matter of fact, i made a point to completly avoid it all together. i spend most of my time crying and writing in my journal about how i was feeling. and shortly before i found out i was pregnant, i had started going to a therapest for my depression. if you have a counslor i would sudgest talking to them about it. nomatter how hard it may seem, you will get throug it i promise you. it may take a while, but you will eventually get through this. please feel free to message me on my e-mail anytime and maybe i can help you work through this. ***this post is edited by moderator *** *** private e-mails not allowed **

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i hope everything goes well on tuesday. best wishes and i will be praying for your child. i am sure that he or she will be smiling down on you from heaven soon.

every thing will be ok.

god bless.

iam struggling alot as i had an abortion about 5 months ago...my uncle raped me countless times and eventually got pregnant but didnt have the abortion until i was almost 6 months pregnant...it was the hardest thing i have ever experienced and i jes seem to have lost all the drive and ambition have have had since then..maybe because my aunty who was due the same time as time has just had a baby gurl...but i have lost all hope ?

Gratefulforpost: I can't believe how similar our stories are. I am so besides myself and cant even begin to think about what I've done. I don't know how I will forgive myself or move on from this. I would love to exchange emails with you if you are up for talking. I am so sick over this and cannot stop crying. My children dont deserve this. And I feel like the worst mother in the world. What on earth possesed me?! I have such regret it is crushing me! I thank you all for sharing your stories. I'm in a very lonely dark place. I find some comfort from all of you. Peace to all.