finding it hard to cope after an abortion

well, my story is a little different but the same in some ways. I had 2 abortions, the first pregancy i was on birth control and did not miss a day. All i really know is the first one i didnt really feel anything besides pressure and i was 9 weeks, the second abortion i was only 6 weeks and i almost passed out from pain it felt like the guy was sticking a needle to far in. I never had any infection or any long term bleeding i was fine, but i'm still worried something might have happened. As for my emotional state, i know i did the right thing but i still get very upset, now i'm ready for a baby but so far nothing. It's like i'm being punished for not keeping my first two gifts. I know that if i would have kept my first two pregnancys i would not be where i am today and my children would not of had the life i wish for them. I used to be very social and after what i did i'm more for staying home and not talking to anyone then going out to have fun. There is always a negative with a positive, for me anyway. But anyone who has an abortion should be very strong b/c there is always a reason for everything.

I learned I was pregnant last October 30 and the very next day, I had an abortion. It was basically my decision and my boyfriend supported me with it. The guilt of what I did just kick in after the day I terminated the pregnancy. I feel so empty, foolish and selfish. It feels like I have forsaken my child's life for what? I never thought the guilt would be such a burden. I hate myself because above all people, I should be protecting my child, not killing it. The father of my child does not want to talk about it. He pretends it never happen. I hate myself right now and I really want my baby back. In the back of my mind, how I wish the surgical abortion I went through hopefully is not successful and left my child in my womb. I just want my baby back. I wanna be strong for it. After thinking about it all, maybe having a baby at this stage of my life is not so bad after all. I just need to be strong and not think too much of what other people would say. But I know it's too late. I've sinned and it feels like my soul is burning in hell and my child is in purgatory. I hate myself and I hate my boyfriend for misguiding me, having the same goal as me - to have an easy life. If your considering an abortion, think, think, think. It's your baby life against whatever reason you have. Don't put yourself in a spot full of regrets and pain that will stick with you for the rest of your life.

I'm 18 yrs of age and found out I was expecting my first child on November 3. It's the night of November 6 and I cant sleep with the thought of going to a clinic to get rid of my baby tomorow morning. At first me and my boyfriend (of a year and a half ) were excited.We knew I was pregnant long before I took the test and we were happy. On the day I actually took the test I called him at work and he was thrilled. Hours later he called to break up with me because of some rumours he heard about me. At first I was shocked but as the days passed Im angry at him but still know that I want him back.
So now he's saying its a bad option to even think about keeping the baby.I really dont want to do it but I know that withouth his support I cant manage on my own with a newborn.
Every night I go to sleep I would lay down face up and just rub my tummy asking my unborn baby to please forgive me for what I'm about to do.I dont know how I will learn to cope with this pain that Im feeling even before the abortion.Im just losing my mind.Before I had a perfect dream of having my baby and my boyfriend close by but now I get to keep neither one.

I am 21 and considering having an abortion. My partner and I have been together for two and a half years. Last January we found out I was pregnant despite using the pill. We kept the baby and our son is now 14 months old. I have never regretted having our little boy. He really is amazing. 8 weeks ago I found out that I am pregnant again. My initial reaction was complete shock and dispair. My partner desperately wants us to have a termination as we aren't financially secure to support two small children. I feel completely at a loss. I do not know what to do. I do not know what I want. I am 16 weeks pregnant and can feel the baby move. I feel so guilty for even considering ending this life, but I do not know what kind of life I can offer this little person. I know I need to put our son first as we need to ensure we can provide for him, but at the same time, I feel the need to protect this unborn baby? If anyone can offer some advice, please do. I have no family to talk to about this.

:-( About 7 Months ago my girlfriend and I found out that we were pregnant. She already had 3 kids and we were not in a finiancal situation to properly raise a kid. When I found out I cried because I was excited but at the same time scared because it would have been my first child. We went back and forth on what we wanted to do and told her I really wanted it and she wasnt sure if we could at the time and told her I would support her no matter what. We ended up going through with the abortion and things got worse from them. We fought all the time and everything. I think about having a child all the time because it could have been the boy I always wanted. We are now no longer together due to the constent fighting and other factors like trust. I told her I do not resent her for what we did because I would have worked 24/7 to support that baby but I feel like the arguing kind of stemmed off of my anger for not having the baby. I want to get back with her more than anything in my life I know I messed with things but ever since we had the abortion I havent been right in the head and she said I have not been myself or happy lately how do I tell her the real reason to why Im not without runing things for good?? Im so lost and so hurt I dont knwo what to do. I know I am a guy but I have been so depressed, hurt and not sure what to do that my world has been turned upside down.....PLEASE HELP!!

when i read the first few lines of your post, i honestly thought it was something i had written, and somehow not remembered it! my experience is almost identical to yours, although the clinic sounds slightly different. I too was 22 and at uni.. it's been 2 years now... and well..i think it just gets worse not better. i feel so broken, guilty, and ashamed. i got rid of the best thing that could ever of happened to me... and now ive been told that i may not be able to have children in the future. words can describe how empty i feel.

I have been looking for a place to share my story with...so here it goes. I don't know if I'll ever come back to this page, since I stumbled across it while looking up, "how to cope after an abortion" on Google...

It's been about a month since I've had an abortion.

I drove 300 plus miles to a doctors office looking for some understanding and non judgmental eyes of a person who I was supposed to trust i.e. The Doc. I drove to and from three times within a month, each visit they said it was a risk, because of 2 previous C-Sections from pregnancies. (I have 2 sons, 9 and 4 who are the light of my life and my driving force) They were afraid of the risk of me hemorrhaging to my death in 4minutes. Each week had me thinking and I realized how blessed I was to have good health and two beautiful children and a very loving family...

The children’s father and I have been together for 12 years and minus 2 years for the time he was in prison. (I'm not a bad person, if you're wondering) I went to college, had a half time job and woke every morning to get my oldest son off to school. He was in prison when my second son was born and growing up. Finally, we had bought a home -a beautiful home in April 2008. My sons and I came home from a trip with my mother and family, and their father telling me to come get our things. He kicked us out of our home. While his mother, sister, brother and a house dog took our places.

I found myself pregnant. New single mother, again, nothing new...plus a bunch of other things taking place in my life. I was stressed the entire months from April to October.

Finally, the clinic I went to was so kind and loving. I prayed hard for weeks about my dilemma and the choice I was about to make, with no doubt in my mind. I thought about my children, my life, and wanting to live again and rise out of a deep depression.

My mental capacity could not agree with what my physical self was dealing with, my spiritual self questioned everything and my emotional self was already digging a grave - for me.

I walked into the doctors office and also (like the story ahead of me) saw other women who were making the same decision I was. I was calm and positive - praying the whole entire time. A three day procedure took only 2 days.

I spoke to one gal who was also a single mother and in her late 20's like me. We both had two children, I had boys and she had girls. We shared each others reason and hers, she was born of parents from Old Mexico and Catholic. She was driven there by her cousin and was taking time from work. She and her cousin were the only ones who knew what was taking place that day.

Another gal Caucasian, was eager to leave after the procedure. She was receiving calls from her mother, "I'll be there, I'm just taking care of business, I'm coming."

And then there was me, 28, Native American female who was dealing with a mental, emotional, physical and spiritual meltdown.

When I looked up to the nurse and told her, "thank you for all you're doing," her faced changed and love was all I saw.

I told the female counselor, it was a miracle to tell my story without a river of tears was a wonderful feeling, affirming me of the strength that I could pull out of, considering myself half dead with my heart in the dirt.

I returned the next day for a checkup and I saw a change in my facial features, in my posture, in my whole being. I was relieved and it was time for me to live.

The best part of it, my mother knew and she understood, my father texted me and asked why I was on a trip, I told him i had an abortion. He replied, "You could have told me, it's alright, just come home safe."

This was advice my cousin asked me to give her, if she was in my shoes... Hang in there sister, Creator understands and will love you anyway. Love those who are around you and don't forget life goes on. Take each day as it comes and put one foot in front of the other. Learn forgiveness and take a moment each day to take a breath and think of those things that bring you happiness.

Hi. This is the first time I write about the abortion I had. It was a week ago. I was 13 weeks pregnant and the baby looked like a real one at that point. I read trough all your stories and cry. I know what you are going trough. But one thing we share, the sadness, the pain, the guilt, still makes me feel sorry for you, but I can't feel it for myself.

The person I got pregnant with, loved me. He did everything to stop me. I didn't want a family life with him and all I wanted was to be 'the same as before'. He said even 'give me the baby, don't do that to it'. I was devastated, I thought this is how he wants to keep me with him, because it is difficult to just give the baby away. 'Isn't it be better if it wasn't present at all?!', I thought. I wanted the abortion from this reasons, because I am not in love with him, but deep inside I felt something is terribly wrong. I need to mantion I am an atheist, not religiuos person, pro-abortionist before my pregnency ever happened. It seemed easy. Life comes, fetus is not a baby... But this took time, it grew... I saw its lags, hands, head, even a small face, its hearthbeat... It was already part of me, and as the time was clicking I knew i need to do it fast... The guy came to support me after I said many many things to him as being very irresponsible and all-I guess he really loved me to do come to the clinic... We arranged all, he was so upset, I was so cold and unhuman... But I kept thinking, I know what I am doing 'Ijust want my life back'... I accused him, evevn shouted at him... But it was the cry I had in me, because deep inside I knew this baby was mine and I was going to deside for its future. And the death (yes it is a death after all) it was going to be painful.

We went to the clinic and he looked at my eyes and said 'Don't'... There was something at that moment, I just didn't go into the clinik. Maybe because it was my birthday. Maybe because of his eyes full of tears. Maybe of my deeperself that couldn't let me ignore the truth. we went back.

As soon as we came home and all was cenceled I got into a paranoia. I imagened hiding my pregnancy, giving the baby away (sincece I was to give it to him), having a life secret from everyone close i knew. 'No, this is important, i thought, my life, the secret I don't want, me'. I called another hospital and after a long cry and shouting to him, he came, he was there again, this time even more desperate than before, but he was there.

It happened, the baby was gone. the general anestesia, putting my lags for the opperation, the sounds of laughter around me, my frozeen look, I can still feel it all, I see it, as a ghost in the past. I go back and back, millions of time. But the past refuses to take me in completely, it just tortures me, because there is no real 'back'.

I felt releifed. I remember the look of the guy next to me. I asked 'is it finished' he confirmed. And kissed me. I smiled, I was satersfied. But the next day and since than I swallow my pain. No, my life is not as it was before I was pregnant. I wanted to go back to the life I had, but I am not there, no even close to it. I am worse. It was my decision. the doctors even tried to tell me to think. I was so determend, the time was clicking... I did it, and I wasn't pushed.

I am sad with all of you, but the guilt I have I wish noone to have it. Because if someone pushes us, we know there was a push, we can point the finger at someone when we are the worst with the emotions. I point to myself, to my cold hearth, and only to me. And that baby tried to tell me from deep inside that I was its mother and not a judge. But i chosed to judge his exsistance done by my and the guy's mistake of unprotected sex.

We all share our stories here and our pain, but some we are really guilty and some you were just pressed. I feel more sorry for you, cause your hearths were at place.

As a pro abortionist at the time and an atheist still, I say to those who read my letter and consider the abortion to think very very good. Don't forget how it is done. The procedure, the humanity, the matherhood, the power we have to chose. Be strong, try to go trough, but don't do the abortion just because the time is right. If there are medical reasons, real economic colaps in your lives, real unsupport, no adoption possibility, incest, rape, I understand you and in these cases I think it is ok. But just because the time is right or you dont love the guy, please think of the stupidity of these reasons compared to the loss.

I have a mark as all of you to live with. the ignorance dosen't make it smaller. It will stay there. Maybe wehn we die we die with the thoughts of our aborted children.

I am 27, healthy, not a teenager, the baby was ok, healthy, big... the father wanted it, just I didn't love him and the time seemed to early in my life. If I could go back I would do things so differently, so differently.

I wish you all Happy New Year!

I had an abortion when I was 18...I was in a relationship with a guy who I dated for a while then when I got pregnant he made me get the abortions saying we would have a baby a year from then "He promised" he told me he would be there for me and he wanted to marry me first. I did it thinking I could handle it.....I ended up going with the pill I sat in my tub...alone bleeding out clumps of blood as big as tennis balls. He was too busy ...he wanted to go to work while I laid there crying , throwing up ,and bleeding. It was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. He ended breaking up with me right before our 1 yr anniversary....and my 19th birthday. We started heading to a break up right after the abortion.....Then I was alone... And he hooked up with a girl he and other guys liked to screw around with....now she is pregnant and they are getting married. They have been together 4 months. And kicker is.....he wants this baby..............good and happy for him....and I can't even hold my niece without crying.

Reading deeply hurt's story, sent me back to my day that I my abortion.. Let me just say, it was well written and straight to the point. Made me cry to the point I kept getting flash backs of my experience.

I was 18 years old when I had my first abortion. Same situation, being forced into having it done, after wanting to keep it. I fell pregnant again, which was a relief knowing abortion's can be a big risk of not being able to fall pregnant again. I was 20 years old this time round. And was on my own all the way through my first trimester. Too the point, I cried every day knowing my partner still didn't want to have it, for the same reasons as deeply hurt. I put it out there, that I wanted it. But my partner got nasty and told me that he refuses to have a kid right now. I couldn't help myself cry every hour of the day and had to spit the dummy and tell his mother, who i was living with at the time. And she was disappointed in the fact that we were not stable enough to keep this child and having one wanting the keep it and the other not.. She is religious and was hard for her to accept the fact that I was going to have abortion. But understood what I had to do and said that it was a good idea to have the abortion..

Now a person who has had 2 abortions, I'm finding it hard to believe that I can no longer fall pregnant. I have had so many chances of falling pregnant and have had no result.. This has made me very upset with myself that I couldn't be strong enough to stand my ground and just have my child. I know deep down why I did it, but at the end of the day, I am hurt.
There is not a day go by that I see little babies and wonder what it would be like if that was me.. Every year on the month I had my abortions I remember everything and be depressed for the whole month.

Today, my unborn children would have been, 4yrs and 2yrs if they were here with me today. My partner and I don't talk about it at all. every year I always write down how i feel and every year is the same and gets worse.

If someone asked me if they should go through with it. I'd only say yes, if they really had to and the doctor recommends it with big concerns.
Other than that, Id say no. Only coz, I see what myself is going through and wish that no one else will go through with it, coz it is too painful and life is too valuable to do these things. I am now 23years old and don't understand why I couldn't just put up with it and go through with my pregnancy.

I am 22 years old and I had an abortion last christmas. I have been trying to keep everything in and I've even told my closest friends about what I did but its still with me. I deeply regret everything. When I found out I immediately thought that I needed to get an abortion and my boyfriend (well ex now) agreed. I didn't tell my parents until the day before and after the procedure I just couldn't stop crying. I thought I would be fine, but to tell you the truth I regret it everyday and when I see a child I want to cry. I wanted the abortion because I wanted a better future but then I realized that it was my future. At the same time, everyone's right. The baby would not have had the future he/she deserved. I just want to stop having nightmare and actually sleep through the night. This is the first time since it happened that I have tried to look for advice on all of this. It honestly really helped and yeah there is a reason for everything but why can't I let it go?

Dear Guest,Hurtingteen,Deeplyhurt, Baddecision, and anyone else whom posted,

My heart grieves with you. I can feel and see your pain and grief just in the words that you so dilligently type on this thread. I noticed a couple of times being mentioned was the "thought" that God would not forgive you. That is TOTALLY not true. He will forgive you, but He never intended for you to have to face the pain and consequences that you are facing right now.

Please understand....there IS healing and restoration, but losing a life is very painful. There are places that offer "post abortion recovery counseling". Some are crisis pregnancy centers. I know because I was a lay counselor for several years at one. If you want to know how to find this information, you might perhaps look under abortion alternatives in the phone book.

You know ladies....SOOOOO MANY women are lied to and told wrong things about abortion. I havent met a woman that this HAS NOT deeply and emotionally effected and scarred. I have met TONS of women whom have gone throught the post abortion recovery counseling and they still remember their baby(s), but they have come to a place after grief of restoration, and they come to peace.

I think from what I have experienced that pride often gets in the way of people going to get help (I know because I deal with pride myself), and the counseling doesnt come. Or when women get fearful of what others will think....there is no such thing as a perfect person.

PLEASE dont cheat yourselves out of restoration and healing, seek out the help you need. Some day, you will possibly have the opportunity to minister to some person in the same situation you where in .



Blessings,

Hizgrace



Post me....I am here to listen

You know Guest,

I had a woman I know that they swore the baby had Down Syndrome, and they told her the same thing, but she didnt care, she said she had been blessed and wouldnt even think about abortion. Well, the baby was born, WITHOUT down syndrome. You know, that is still a human life, and has the right at a chance for life. Dont think of all the negatives and what you "cant afford, cant do".....look at the blessing in front of you.



Hizgrace



By the way, they told me that my baby would probably die 1 week after birth, I said I didnt care, and I wouldnt abort this precious life....he is now 8 months old and SOOOO healthy with no problems. I know.

I know how you all feel. I am a 23 year old female who has had 3 abortions over the last 3 years. Once with a set of twins. At the time I was seeing a guy who just had a daughter when I met him and we hooked up. That same year we decided to get serious although he was involved. The following year I got pregnant and he basically told me that he couldn't have the baby with me seeing as his daughter was only a year old, so I got rid of it at 9 weeks pregnant. We kept fooling around and in our 2nd year he broke up with his daughter's mother and low and behold I end up pregnant again. I decided to abort this baby because I aborted the first baby, I was at 7 weeks. Then in our 3rd year I found myself pregnant again and of course I did it again. The ironic part about the last 2 pregnancies was I was using birth control and condoms as opposed to the first pregnancy.fortunately for me we are still together and I have been pregnant free for the last 19 months. That's because I have a new birth control!

I had an abortion done yesterday and it hurst so bad i can not even explain. The physical and mental feelings are just so over wellming. I am 22 yo with a 2 and half year old daughter who i raise on my own with no help from her dad. I attend 15 hrs in school and work 40 hrs a week at work. When i descoverd i was pregnant i thought to myself well looks like life is going to be harder now. I have never been for abortions unless you were raped or your baby was sick or even if your life could be lost do to the pregnancy, but not because you messed up.
I talked to my mom and all i could think was how i really didnt want the baby and abortion just seemed right. The weeks leading up to the abortion really didnt seem to bother me like i thought it would. But that morning was the begining o fthe worst day of my life. I got up and became very sick and couldnt stop throwing up, my daughter kept asking me mommy are you ok and all i wanted was to say no i cant do this. My mom came by and we left to the clinic.
As we pulled into the parking lot there were people outside yelling dont kill your baby and thats all i could think about was how i was about to kill my little life that was in side of me. It seemed like no time before i was in the room all alone waiting, waiting for them to ripe the life out from inside of me. The one place that should of been safe for my baby was the last place it would ever be alive. They did the abortion and i cryed from then on. THe nurse kept asking does it hurt that bad. Yes it does it sucks out your soul from inside you and makes you so empty and it hurts and hurts and it seems like it just wont stop. After the abortion they place you i a room with other women and you sit there and just look at each other. Some girls are not even bothered by what they have done they sit there a chat like they just got a shot or somthing. I couldnt stop cring. Leaving the clinic all i could do was stare out the window in disbalief of what i had just done. My mom kept telling me you did what you felt was best but if its what is best why does it feel like i did what was wrong. I took every chance that my child had away and now hes dead( i no he was a boy i just no it) I want to go back and have them just give me the baby back and let me hold him and tell him how much i love him and miss him and i am sooo sorry for what i have done.