I can totally relate to you Angelic.
Last night I laid awake in bed next to my partner, again with the same yearning as most nights, nursing the idea of wanting to have a baby. I was online and then I came across this incredible website. I was up until 4am this morning reading all the stories and its been said before but I really thought I was alone in this matter. I thought I wouldn’t find anything online accept an answer from some agony aunt saying “just wait”. But it is a real comfort to know I’m not alone. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
I am 24 years old and my boyfriend 26. We’ve been together for 4 years and have lived together for 1.5 years. We are very much in love and both want to get married and have a family one day…when, God only knows. I met my partner during my first year of university. A year later (in 2009) I unexpectedly fell pregnant. For some time I felt nauseous and toyed with the idea I could be pregnant. I eventually told him of the possibility and he told me to take a test. Finding out I burst into tears of sadness. I was in my first year of uni, no family support, fresh in a relationship, moving from home to home and was dumbfounded on how I could support a baby in these dire circumstances. We agreed to have an abortion, but as days went pass, and every time I felt the need to throw up it was a little reminder that my baby was telling me “I’m here”. I began to waver away from the thought of an abortion and began to think about actually keeping the baby. After some courage I opened up to my partner and expressed my wishes to keep the baby and he expressed that was something he did not want at all right now. The idea of bringing a baby into this situation was unthinkable and sadly a few days later I miscarried, a decision that was incredibly hard for me to make had been made. It took about a year to fully emotionally recover from the experience.
I have always loved being around babies and children, I work within a Children Service and always looked forward to becoming a mother. But losing my baby bought up all these maternal feelings full force to the surface. I couldn’t let go of the idea of wanting to be a mother. I spoke to my partner and asked him if we could try for a baby once I finished my degree, which he agreed. In 2010 I successfully completed my degree and not forgetting I bought it to his attention, he told me he was not ready and in hindsight he probably said this to give me some hope to pull me out of my misery. Since then we’ve always got into several altercations about the matter. There would be months that would go by where I was fine and got on with my life and then I would be hit with baby fever again. Please beware during this time I have had several friends and family members, get engaged, get married, have babies not in any specific order, which has been difficult.
October 2011 I plucked up the courage and we had a serious talk, I asked seriously when would he be ready to start a family and if not now then for what reasons. He explained (his excuses where no different than some of the reasonable BS reasons men come up with for no having a chid) finances, a need for a better paying job etc. I could understand all of this, as I too want to raise our children in a secure and stable environment. I told him I understood but needed some time frame, as living on “we’ll see” was heart-wrenching. We agreed to wait 6 months to 1 year and if everything was ok we could start trying. From that conversation I was changed person, I threw myself into calculating finances once the baby arrived, researched into taking maternity leave at work, looked for baby stuff! My mind was racing at 100mph and I felt so hopeful and excited.
A few weeks later, he changes his mind, he wanted to wait. He made some good and valid points, but I was heart broken. He told me he wanted us to get married first as once the baby came along this was something we would have to put off for a while due to finances. As much as I loved the thought of marrying him, in my mind he is my husband and I his wife. I used to have an order for things I wanted it to get married, travel the world with him, buy a house and have babies, but I can say for sure that I can happily put those other things on pause and fast forward to wanting a baby. I already feel I have waited long enough. He told me we can start as soon as we’re married but I have been deceived once before and I’m not falling for it again in less it’s infront of lawyers and legally binding!
He knows I feel depressed about this matter and on the occasion he sees it in my face, he tries to give me cuddles and few reassuring words but the ache continues. I have tried filling up my time and currently looking for a project to get into to keep from these baby thoughts. But every night when I lay in bed and everything is quite I can’t help but think about holding a little baby.
I have not been on any form of contraception since last year May, our sex life has pretty much deteriorated, he avoids having sex due to not liking condoms and not wanting to get me pregnant and if we don’t use one his forcing a morning after bill down my throat! I do plan to go back on the bill or the patch but with much resentment, but hopefully my sex life will improve.
I really can’t help but resent him, his the one keeping me from what I really want. I find it so unfair, but I hate the thought of forcing a baby on him if his not ready. I would never consider leaving him in respect of this but I feel in a rut.
I want to talk to him but how do I accomplish this without it exploding into some big argument. I can see it already, him thinking I want a baby more than marriage, that I keep badgering him etc. Once we’ve finished arguing he’ll probably tell me some logical reason why we shouldn’t and as much as I’ll listen and empathise, the longing will still be there and the question of ‘when’ will still remain.
Kindest wishes
Soph
That's great Angelica, I think you're doing a good job!
Everyone, I've still been reading all of your posts lately, I've noticed how simular we all are to eachother exept for a few extra touching stories. My heart goes out to you all.
Instead of just that blurt I posted about a week ago I decided to share a full update! Right after the new year started we moved to a new house. At first, everything was really hectic, but when things finally settled down after a few weeks everything as been so nice! Other than a small family squabish last month, I couldn't complain about a thing and it really feels like I'm living my dream. With that thought, I again noticed there was only one thing missing from it- I still ... after all I've gone through with my husband and trying to make a fair compromise ... want a baby! But we had made an agreement, and I was determined to keep my part so I didn't bring it up. Slowly, my husband started to talk about having a baby... but instead of reading into it I just agreed how nice it would be and said nothing more. To my suprize he kept bringing it up here and there, sounding slightly more serious each time. Even telling his parents about how we may have another soon, so I took my shot and asked him seriously, sceptical if he has been considering having a baby now. He tells me how he does, and like atually will go though everything we need to so that we can have a baby! Tells me I have nothing to worry about!
Still I didn't want to get too excited yet, I asked him about the car I know he's been wanting to get. We only have one and it's about time we got another so we were not so dependent on eachother's scheduals. So this is where everything came together, one great productive conversation when our son was spending time at his paternal grandparents. I'm still suprized at how simple my husband put everything, he literally has everything planed out. I really think that this was what makes him feel ready, knowing that he has carefully thought through everything on his own before he confides with me. I asked him direct questions and he was able to answer them all confidantly. So I know he is ready, and happy! And that makes two of us! =)
I've recently started writing hubs on HubPages and I wrote one on this topic thinking of all of you. I've already said some of the things here (like what has helped me most) that I included in the hub but now that I graduated, so to speak, I have some others points, too.
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I called to make an appoitment with the docter so I'm on the road to becomeing a mother again! I can't believe I get to be in a relationship that is planning to have a baby, I know it will be fun! You have all helped me incredibly, for that I thank you with the deepest gratitude. I hope you all get your wish one day, soon!
****HUGS****
A lot of these stories are pretty scary sounding. Seriously, ladies, going behind his back with sabotage? If he says he isn't ready -- HE ISN'T READY. It doesn't matter how much of a great mom *you* would make, both of you have to be in it together. You have to trust each other. You have to talk to each other. Neither of you should have a baby until both of you are ready.
Here's some news. A lot of people are waking up to the idea that maybe they don't HAVE to have babies. That it's not REALLY what they wanted. They felt pressured by society to have them without taking everything into consideration. Just like there are forums out there like this one of women who really want babies, who are really sure and super prepared and ready to be awesome moms, there's forums for marriages broken by the baby. I've read forums and forums of posts by men that said their wives pressured them in to having kids, their families pressured them into having kids, they felt like they had to. And because they felt like they "had to", they weren't prepared. They hated how their wives stopped thinking of them and focused entirely on the baby. They hated coming home to the screaming and feeding and pooping. They weren't prepared for the financial cost. They weren't mentally ready. They started cheating. They didn't want to come home. They felt unloved. They felt like an outsider. And eventually, they divorced, or lived unhappy soulless lives. It's no joke. These men felt they made the biggest mistake of their lives to let themselves get talked into a baby before they were ready. These are the sorts of things that can happen when both of you aren't ready. Really LISTEN to your husbands, ladies. It's not all about you. It's about both of you.
I wouldn't be surprised that when faced with the harsh idea of child rearing and the HUGE, HUUUUGE, GIGANTIC investment - emotionally, financially, mentally - that takes, they balked. That they realized perhaps they just really did not want this. And that's okay. But you two have to hash that out. Maybe adoption is an option...just talk! And honestly...some of you just aren't going to hear what you want! There really will be some husbands who change their minds about having kids and just simply do not want them and are afraid to say that! You have think about what means more to you then...him, or a baby that hasn't even been born yet. To me, that's not even a choice. I love my HUSBAND. That was the point of my marriage. You have to decide what the point is of yours...
Hey everyone, I read this feed almost everyday and have never replied becuase I felt repetative of everyone's feelings, but it makes me feel at least a little better to read about everyones experiences. However, I really feel the need to respond to the last poster. I am not a confrontational person, but these are all women going through an extremely difficult time that is pretty much unfixable. There are slim to no posts about trying to "sabatoge" there husbands into having a baby. In fact, most people state how wrong that would be and how they would never do that, even though it can be in a woman's power. Also, I think that everyone posting understands that not every person wants a child. But, before you get into a marriage this is something that you discuss and plan for. It is completely unfair for a person to change there mind after discussing it and comitting to a realtionship with that expectation. My partner wants a baby, its the waiting that is unavoidable until he is ready, and this feed is an amazing place where we can share those feelings and try to work through them. Just needed to say that... and thanks to all the women who post here, you've really helped me get through the past year!
I fully understand what yo ladies are going through. Only my hubby is 46 and I am 22. Yes a whole 24 year age gap. And yet he still doesnt want to have a baby yet. I try and explain the age thing and he says age is nothing but a number. I feel hopeless. I was born a mother....the eldest of 4....i practically raised kids when I was at the tender age of 9. He has two sons from previous marriages. I asked him if the reason why he is taking his time is because he already has kids of his own....he just says be patient our time will come. I am so stressed out.....even thought of stopping contraception without telling him.....but even if i did it wouldnt make a difference. He is SOOOOOOOO SAFE i end up crying every time we make love. Why do we go through this? dont they realise how much we are hurting? Its not only about them.....I mean the mother spends the most time and attention on the baby....its what we are made for.....
help anyone....advice?????? clock is ticking on both sides!!!!!